The Queen of Frumpiness...

I doubt that "frumpiness" is even a word - but, alas, I am the Queen of it.

I can only describe this feeling by rewinding my life a few years to the first time I flew down to Arizona to see my parents. My mom and I went shopping at the Scottsdale Mall, something I had been dying to do. As we wandered through the stores, however, I began to realize something - the girls there were all prettier, skinnier, and much MUCH wealthier that I was. Every store we went in, there were hoardes of them - dropping $500 dollars without batting an eye, middle schoolers with authentic Coach bags (something I had to wait until I was out of college for!!!), perfect size 0 bodies, tanned skin, styled hair... I wanted to run them all over with a Mac truck. It took weeks (and returning to Yakima) to start feeling "normal" again. I've never hated my looks, I have always managed to stay in some semblence of shape, and I've always felt like I had the things I needed (plus enough of what I wanted, to get by) but Scottsdale really screwed that up for me.

Now, some 3 years later - I find myself in tiny, little, hicktown Yakima and feeling like a lost girl in Scottsdale. I hate skinny people. All of them. Even if I love them, I secretly want to kick them in the shins right now. I was a twig all the way through highschool, gained a few appropriate college pounds at Wazzu, and then a married pound or two for good measure. But I've always stayed in shape and my clothes, for the most part have stayed the same size since I graduated from WSU. Now, I'm a bloated disaster. While the tiny peanut growing in my ute is only the size of a lime - I look like I'm carrying a small honeydew. My fingers are swollen and it's only a matter of days or weeks before I can't get my wedding ring on anymore. There is cellulite on my freaking ass (this was hands down the most horrifying revelation so far in pregnancy - forget constipation and peeing every 8 seconds - my butt looks disgusting!!!!). And what's worse? It seems to have appeared overnight. Add to that my fear of stretch marks and spider veins and you can see that this is going to be a rough ride!

Now I always swore that when I got pregnant I'd be eating salad and plain chicken, drinking lots of water and milk and exercising every day. I was not going to let weather or "being tired" get in the way of saying fit during pregnancy. Then I got pregnant... and everything changed. I can only liken the tiredness to staying up all night, working an 8 hour shift, running a marathon, completing my entire list of spring cleaning "to-do's", and then hosting a full holiday dinner. It's amazing. There are times when I think I could actually fall asleep in the shower/on the toliet/standing up/mid conversation (or blog for that matter). So all that energy that I thought I would have to work out, get the house ready, and still be social - (laughs) is taken up simply but doing the bare minimum to get through the day and collect a paycheck. So once, maybe twice a week, I get enough of a burst of energy to talk the dog for a walk or lift weights (I'm terrified of fat arms!!) - but other than that, I'm either curled up on the couch or in bed as soon as I'm home from work.

I honestly can't remember ever criticizing one of my friends or family members during pregnancy - I've always thought that pregnant women were beautiful. I was envious of their glow, their big bellies, and nothing else really mattered. Now, when I go to work or out with friends, I'm constantly worried that people are silently lecturing me in their heads, telling me not to get "too fat" during the next 6 1/2 months. I'm totally parinoid. It's annoying.

I honestly don't know the point of this blog - I just got out of the shower, took one look at myself, and figured I had better write something down or I might explode. You would think that I would now be motivated to take the dog for a walk... but the cat is snoring and reminding me that it's Sunday afternoon and a nap sounds mighty fine... ::yawns::