A year...

It's been a year since I lost the baby.

I have been thinking about writing this post for months - wondering what I would say or how I would feel on this sad anniversary. Now that it's here and I'm staring at the cursor blinking on a blank screen I realize that there aren't words for me to explain the loss and pain that we experienced a year ago. It's simply something that, unless you have been through yourself, you cannot comprehend. We lost a child a year ago - a parent's worst fear realized. I learned what true heartbreak feels like, what it means to lose more than you can handle, and how precious life truly is. Beyond that, I can't articulate how I've felt this year - I can simply say that losing our baby was the most painful, heart wrenching experience of my existence and that the only thing that has eased the pain at all is the passing of time. It won't ever go away - I understand that now and I'm glad for it. I don't want to forget our baby or forget how difficult it was to lose him. I feel like I can honor his memory in that way - by appreciating how much I loved him without ever meeting him.

I found this poem on another blog, I'm not sure of the original source but I think that it's beautiful and it gives me some comfort as I look back...

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."

Bittersweet...

These past few weeks have been pretty hard on me and I haven't really sat down and talked to anyone to vent it out, so I guess I'm going to ramble on the interwebs and see if it can give me any relief...

I should have been having a baby this week. When I got pregnant in the spring, my due date was right around the 15th of December. But I lost the baby and all of those dreams went out the window. [I want to stop right here to explain that I am SO thankful to be pregnant now and that so far, things are going perfectly with this pregnancy and I do realize that there was some reason that the last baby couldn't have been carried to term... so as painful as it was/is, I have come to terms with the miscarriage.] It just so happens that this pregnancy's timeline leaves milestones on some of the most painful dates - We have our big ultrasound in a week and as excited as I am to find out if baby is a boy or a girl, I can't help but think that I would have been cuddling a newborn baby at that time. I'm due on May 10th, five days after the anniversary of the miscarriage and I really, honestly fear delivering on the 5th of May just because that date holds so much pain for me. I guess I just feel like all of the 'biggies' of this pregnancy have a shadow of the lost baby hovering just out of sight...

I think the other factor that is driving all this anxiety is that we are quickly approaching week 21 in this pregnancy - the week when I made my first [of MANY] hospital visit with contractions. My pregnancy with Addison was textbook in the beginning. After week 21, it went to hell in a handbag - contractions, PUPPPS rash, bed rest... oi, the list goes on and on. I know that each pregnancy is different but I only have one to compare it with and it was so scary at the end and the closer we get to that date, the more I worry. The difference now is that I'm at work all day, so if the contractions start I can't just jump in the car and be at the ER in 15 minutes... I'm already running out of sick leave and I haven't even started my bi-weekly or weekly check-ups yet, and I'm HORRIFIED of going into labor at work... early or on time.

I know that this is all out of my control and I'm positive that is the reason that I'm so stressed about it. I hate not having a plan, not being able to know what is going to happen and when... Being pregnant in the summer sucked for a lot of reasons, but at least I was home, comfortable, and less stressed.... now I'm on my feet, with an audience of 25 at all times, uncomfortable, and... well, I work with teenagers, I'm always stressed. I know there is nothing to do except sit back and let it come as it may... but that doesn't make it any easier.