A year...

It's been a year since I lost the baby.

I have been thinking about writing this post for months - wondering what I would say or how I would feel on this sad anniversary. Now that it's here and I'm staring at the cursor blinking on a blank screen I realize that there aren't words for me to explain the loss and pain that we experienced a year ago. It's simply something that, unless you have been through yourself, you cannot comprehend. We lost a child a year ago - a parent's worst fear realized. I learned what true heartbreak feels like, what it means to lose more than you can handle, and how precious life truly is. Beyond that, I can't articulate how I've felt this year - I can simply say that losing our baby was the most painful, heart wrenching experience of my existence and that the only thing that has eased the pain at all is the passing of time. It won't ever go away - I understand that now and I'm glad for it. I don't want to forget our baby or forget how difficult it was to lose him. I feel like I can honor his memory in that way - by appreciating how much I loved him without ever meeting him.

I found this poem on another blog, I'm not sure of the original source but I think that it's beautiful and it gives me some comfort as I look back...

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."