Friday, December 23, 2011
How far along? 20 weeks... halfway there!!
Total weight gain/loss: The scale this morning read 133.3... so, I'm up 16 pounds. I wish I had a scale that could weigh my boobs... because I'm sure 8 pounds or so is resting in my bra.
Maternity clothes? Yeah, some. Bella Band is allowing me to stay in my fat jeans for a bit longer...
Stretch marks? No new ones but I'm starting to see some of my old ones coming back... oh joy.
Sleep: Love it. Can't get enough of it. Being home for Christmas break has allowed me nap time when Addison naps and I very much enjoy that...
Best moment this week: Making hand print Christmas trees with Addison and giggling with her while I was painting her hands.
Movement: Yes, feeling kicks pretty much every day now. Still can't feel them from the outside though...
Gender: Still thinking girl... which pretty much means boy. We did the Chinese gender prediction chart thingy and one said boy while another said girl... the wedding ring test says girl... EVERYONE else in the world is voting boy. We'll see on Tuesday.
Labor Signs: Braxton-Hicks contractions every day
Belly Button in or out? In... but shallow.
What I miss: This time of year, I miss being able to have a cocktail with friends to celebrate the holidays.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out if baby is a boy or girl on Tuesday!!!
Weekly Wisdom: There is nothing wrong with spending a day off in your jammies and getting nothing accomplished... sometimes that's the hardest thing to do!
Milestones: Half way there!! Yay!! =]
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I should have been having a baby this week. When I got pregnant in the spring, my due date was right around the 15th of December. But I lost the baby and all of those dreams went out the window. [I want to stop right here to explain that I am SO thankful to be pregnant now and that so far, things are going perfectly with this pregnancy and I do realize that there was some reason that the last baby couldn't have been carried to term... so as painful as it was/is, I have come to terms with the miscarriage.] It just so happens that this pregnancy's timeline leaves milestones on some of the most painful dates - We have our big ultrasound in a week and as excited as I am to find out if baby is a boy or a girl, I can't help but think that I would have been cuddling a newborn baby at that time. I'm due on May 10th, five days after the anniversary of the miscarriage and I really, honestly fear delivering on the 5th of May just because that date holds so much pain for me. I guess I just feel like all of the 'biggies' of this pregnancy have a shadow of the lost baby hovering just out of sight...
I think the other factor that is driving all this anxiety is that we are quickly approaching week 21 in this pregnancy - the week when I made my first [of MANY] hospital visit with contractions. My pregnancy with Addison was textbook in the beginning. After week 21, it went to hell in a handbag - contractions, PUPPPS rash, bed rest... oi, the list goes on and on. I know that each pregnancy is different but I only have one to compare it with and it was so scary at the end and the closer we get to that date, the more I worry. The difference now is that I'm at work all day, so if the contractions start I can't just jump in the car and be at the ER in 15 minutes... I'm already running out of sick leave and I haven't even started my bi-weekly or weekly check-ups yet, and I'm HORRIFIED of going into labor at work... early or on time.
I know that this is all out of my control and I'm positive that is the reason that I'm so stressed about it. I hate not having a plan, not being able to know what is going to happen and when... Being pregnant in the summer sucked for a lot of reasons, but at least I was home, comfortable, and less stressed.... now I'm on my feet, with an audience of 25 at all times, uncomfortable, and... well, I work with teenagers, I'm always stressed. I know there is nothing to do except sit back and let it come as it may... but that doesn't make it any easier.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Total weight gain/loss: 131 pounds on the scale this morning... I'm pretty sure 10 of that is in my bra. My boobs are ridiculous right now. Not even kidding. I'm right on track to gain a ridiculous amount of weight again... rock on.
Maternity clothes? Yeah, some. Bella Band is allowing me to stay in my fat jeans for a bit longer...
Stretch marks? Nada...
Sleep: Love it. Can't get enough of it.
Best moment this week: Had a Home Depot employee ask me when I'm due... which means to some people, I look pregnant, not just fat.
Movement: I've had a few questionable thumps and flutters but nothing I can say for sure was baby and not twitches/gas/my imagination...
Gender: Still thinking girl... which pretty much means boy.
Labor Signs: I started having Braxton Hicks in the last week or two...
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Wine. Lots of wine.
What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow with an excuse to eat as much as I want!
Weekly Wisdom: It goes WAY faster the second time around!
Milestones: Month four... almost half way there and finally starting to look pregnant.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Addison... for so many more reasons that I could ever write. She is my sweet, crazy, lovable baby girl and I can't imagine my life with out her in it. I'm thankful for bedtime snuggles, lovies, her silly dances, and every moment that I get to be with her.
Derek for always being by my side, being supportive and understanding even when I don't know what in the world I want or need. For being a far better person than I am and putting up with so much more than any husband should ever have to...
Having a warm, cozy home and food on the table.
A job that I look forward to and that allows us to live life the way we want to.
For my family and myself being relatively healthy. I read about parents who have children with life threatening conditions and I thank my stars that we have been blessed with a healthy baby. I pray every day and night that this next baby will be healthy and strong as well.
Go, Diego, Go... for being toddler crack. No matter how cranky my baby gets... Diego makes her clap and dance.
Having the most amazing friends and family. Ever.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Earlier today, while I was waiting for dinner to cook, I finished up some projects that I have been working on. Both of them are directly off of Pinterest and they turned out super cute!
The idea for a light strand with ribbons came from the Junk Garden blog. I bought a 100-light strand for $6 and hit the craft store for ribbon in Addison's colors. I bought 4 spools - yellow, pink, orange, and green - and had two orange ones at home. That amount [in yellow and green] of ribbon only got me about half way through the strand which was a bit frustrating. However, when I measured I realized that it was exactly the right length to go across Addison's headboard and down the side. With the extra lights I am turning her nightstand into a nightlight [it's an old TV stand with a spot for a DVD/VCR]. We are putting plexiglass in the front of the slot and then I'll use the rest of my ribbon (the orange and pink) on the second half of the lights so it will glow a pink-ish color. We're installing a remote switch so we can turn it on and off from her main light switch. It looks super, super cute!!
Nic and Kate is using a Wal-Mart oil drip pan ($8) for a magnet board. We just screwed it to the wall behind her door and - tadaaa! - her magnets have a new home! Pretty nifty idea!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Total weight gain/loss: Holding at 126... up 9 pounds from pre-pregnancy and exactly where I was last time around.
Maternity clothes? I held out as long as I could, but zippers and buttons and expanding waistlines don't all coexist very well. So, yes...
Stretch marks? Nada...
Sleep: Tired all the time - I'm in bed by 8:30 and could sleep all day... I miss caffeine something fierce!
Best moment this week: Being done with coaching and actually being home with Derek and Addison after work. I miss that...
Movement: Nothing yet...
Gender: I'm thinking (read: hoping) it's another girl... but my intuition was very off last time...
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Coffee
What I am looking forward to: Seeing two of my best friends this weekend!!
Weekly Wisdom: You're pregnant, you're going to gain weight. Might as well not stress out over it too much...
Milestones: Final week in first trimester... I finally feel like I can breathe a little and not think every twinge or crap is an oncoming miscarriage.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
1. Welfare. It's social security's ugly half-cousin. We need it for some; we let the rest abuse it. You want welfare - congratulations. Please show up with your valid social security card and drivers license so we can confirm that you are, in fact, a tax-paying citizen. Pee in a cup so we can make sure that the money we're handing out isn't going to your meth problem. Put your feet in the stirrups and slide your bottom to the edge of the table so we can give you effective birth control - if you already can't take care of yourself, there is no need for you to be procreating and making more people you can't provide for. Welfare now equals a job application. If you apply, we will be calling you to work wherever we find jobs - construction, fast food, literally where ever. If you aren't happy with your job placement, you're more than welcome to go off welfare and get your own job. Your welfare will expire in five years - plan wisely. That is more than enough time to find a job, get situated, and become self-sufficient. If you can't figure it out in five years, we'll go ahead and leave that birth control in because we don't need any more idiots in this country. We've met our quota.
2. Taxes. Everybody hates them but loves all the goodies we get from them. Institute a good, solid Fat Tax. You want to eat fast food and candy bars three meals a day - go ahead. But you're going to pay an extra 25% for that. We'll save that money for when you have a massive heart attack and can't afford your medical bills. You feel the need to smoke and drink? Fine - 25% tax on those as well. Our nation is obese anyway - disgustingly so - if killing yourself isn't motivation enough to quit with the crappy eating habits, maybe an empty pocketbook will be. Legalize marijuana and tax the shit out of it. People are going to be stupid enough to smoke it anyway, why not make it an income sources for our government. We have limits for drinking and driving, implement the same ones for smoking and driving. Not only do you get the taxes, you get revenue from the idiots who get pulled over from going 15 mph in a 50 mph zone.
3. Food Stamps. Same requirements as welfare - drug tests, birth control, five year limit. However, these piss me off to an exponential level. No you can not get 'cash back' on your food stamps to buy the beer and smokes you have stashed in your cart. You can buy produce, dairy, meat, and boxed goods (as long as they don't qualify for the Fat Tax). You want to drink alcohol and smoke? Great, go get a job and you're more than welcome to it.
4. Wars. It's the same lesson I tell my middle school students - if it isn't your problem, BUTT OUT. We are not the world police - if we are, we should be getting a sizable paycheck from all the other countries to help cover our costs. If people want to beat the shit out of each other - fine. That's their problem. Until we can walk down the streets and not see homeless camps and kids begging for food, we need to focus our attention on our own problems. Somebody wants our help? Alright, that'll be $100 million for getting involved and an additional $500 million for every month you occupy our armed forces and governments attention. Costs to much? Then solve your own problems.
5. Education. Well, duh. If we want a country that can run effectively, then we need to be producing citizens who aren't idiots. Fund education - class sizes and teacher credentials matter. Standardized tests are crap. Let teachers teach their material and hold STUDENTS accountable for learning. If a student doesn't want to show up and pull their weight in public education they get two options - work force training or military training. Quit filling our classrooms with lazy kids who aren't held accountable for ANYTHING. You don't want to be here? That's fine - go get a job and earn a living.
6. Illegal Immigration. We can't even take care of our own; we sure as hell don't need to be taking care of everyone else’s too. Want to be a citizen? YAY! We'd love to have you. Just take the test, get a valid ID and social security number, and guarantee that for the first 5 years you live in the country, you will pay 10% of your wage to the
There you have it. I have just effectivley solved at least half of this countries problems. Quit being PC about it and worrying about hurting people feelings and start being a government that is charged with the well-being and inerests of millions - not just the suits in the White House.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Two years ago tonight, we were curling up in the hospital for our first night as a family. Your daddy and I were terrified to fall asleep because you were so new and we didn't want to miss anything. These two years have flown by so fast - I can't even put into words how it feels to realize that you have been a part of our lives for only 24 months. I can't imagine what life is without you in it - and as I was rocking you to sleep tonight I realized that in 14 years, you'll be getting your license, in 16 years you'll be graduating high school... when I was younger those milestones felt like they were FOREVER away - but now they already seem to be looming over my head. I know I say this all the time, but if I could just freeze time and really be able to enjoy all of the new things that you learn each day (you used your first three-word sentence tonight!!) and do (and climbed all the way up into your high chair). I just feel like you are growing so fast that I can't keep up! So, this weekend we will celebrate everything that you have become in these FAST two year and everything that you will become in the next one.
I love you more than life peanut... so much more than I could ever put into words.
poop =], juice, cow, c'meer, no-no!, outside, band, go, move, thank you, please, bless you, snack, papa, Abby, rock, book, purse, horse...
Your Favorite Things To Do:
dance, run, squeal, play outside, swim... and anything water related, put shoes on people, clap, fist bump, high five...
Your Favorite Foods:
pizza, ketchup (thanks grandpa!), nuggets, fruit snacks, apple juice...
Your Favorite Things:
Fresh Beat Band, mommy's cell phone, books, bear-bear...
Your Least Favorite Things:
carousels, raw vegetables, "no", timeout, sleeping in a diaper and jammies...
Mommy's Favorite Moments:
when you said happy birthday to me, getting loves, watching you entertain the volleyball girls, singing with you, rocking before bedtime, hearing you laugh, curling up on the couch and snuggling...
Daddy's Favorite Moments:
swimming, tickling you until you giggle, going for walks, dancing to FBB, snuggling, reading you books at bedtime...
Saturday, July 30, 2011
I've reached my limit. My boiling point. Capacity. I simply have zero room left in my life for pain, for drama, and for the stress that has consumed me in the past six months. Each time something new has happened I have told myself, "this too shall pass" and "keep calm and carry on"... I have repeated the serenity prayer a thousand times... but EVERY time I think it's gotten as bad as it can get, that I will break under the weight of a grain of sand... there is something else.
I have poured myself into the people in my life, given every ounce of myself - to my students, to my family, to my friends, to my child - that it seems now there is nothing left for me. I am drained. No matter where I am, I feel like I'm in the wrong place. When I'm at home I feel like I'm neglecting my parents. When I'm with my parents, I feel like I'm neglecting my daughter and my husband. I'm stuck in the middle... and each time, I have 150 miles to think about who I'm leaving behind. I need to recharge. I need something that is just for me. Selfish? No, I think I'm about due for a break.
I've tried to cope. To deal. To survive. I've done stupid things to try and fill that gaping hole- spending... pills... denial... but it feels like that hole is just going to swallow me up everyday. And some days, I wish it would so I could just disappear and be done hurting. It seems like it's my job to be positive for everyone else... but there's nobody left to be positive for me.
If I didn't have Derek and Addison here waiting for me each day, I don't know if I would have made it this far. I've given up thinking that there is an end in sight to all of the pain. I miss the normalcy of life before all this - being happy and content. I'm actually anxious to go back to work so that I have some consistency, something I can rely on.
No, I'm not suicidal. Yes, I think I probably am depressed. But honestly, do you blame me? I'm just at the point where I don't care what anyone says or thinks - I needed to vent this. Although the people who I wish would read this the most, probably never will. Most of you are complete strangers, and you know more about how I feel than a lot of the people I love the most.
It's exhausting... and I'm tired... I just want my life back. That's all.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The fear of losing my family - that is a paralyzing fear. Something happening to Addison, or Derek, or my parents. That is a fear that makes my heart race and my hands shake. It's a fear that I don't have control over - I can't fix it, or fight it, or make it disappear with a couple double A batteries.
I have been maintaining a Caring Bridge website for my dad since he got sick - it's been a way to keep friends and family in the loop with his treatment and the ups and downs we have endured in the past six weeks. I try to keep it focused on dad, which after blogging shamelessly about myself for so long, is more difficult than it might sound. I focus on the positive, the medical details, the gratitude that I feel for the people - many whom I have never even met - who have come out to show their support in so many different ways.
That all being said - I am terrified. My dad is sick. My 66 year old dad, who climbs mountains, plays tennis obsessively, hikes and bikes and does EVERYTHING... has cancer. Six weeks ago, we thought he had slipped a disc when he was hiking with friends. It would have been inconvenient because it would mean another surgery and I was annoyed that he pushed himself so hard and got hurt just as they were coming back to Washington. I was annoyed at my dad. And he had cancer. Granted, I didn't know it until the next week, but I still feel guiltly for it. I feel horrible that I was irritated that he was going to be laid up during the one summer they had planned to spend at home and we wouldn't get to go to Hat or boating or camping because he'd be recovering. How selfish AM I?? I know that my best friend would tell me I didn't know, I had know way of knowing, and that I can't beat myself up for it (and I love you for that Tori) but the idea still rips at my heart. After the diagnosis, for a while, things still seemed kind of normal. We knew that dad's back was really messed up and when I checked him out of the hospital last time, I remember thinking - we can do this. He's the same person, he's still pretty strong, he's going to be the same person all throughout this process. I came back a week later and he could hardly move, he could hardly speak, and he couldn't do anything without help. My dad, my superhero... needed help. Then, I came back another week or so later to find him in the hospital, with tubes coming out of everywhere, unable to speak, thirty pounds lighter, dozing in and out of consciousness. That was the moment when I realized how bad things really were... are. So I did what I do best when I freak out - I took over. I got him whatever he needed from the nurses, I cheered him on to get him out of bed, I cleaned up when he coughed up phlegm from the pneumonia, I questioned the doctors, I held his hand, I paid bills. I did whatever I could to just DO something because sitting there and absorbing the enormity of the situation was too much for me.
Now I'm home and I'm two hours away from being able to do something that makes me feel like I'm helping in any sort of way and it's frustrating as all hell. It's everything I can do to not call mom or the hospital 50 times a day to make sure that things are okay. I'm set to graduate in four weeks and I have three horrifically difficult classes standing in my way but I can't focus on the research I need to be doing. I'm disorganized to the point of not knowing what assignments I have due or when (which is NOT like me) and almost to the point of not caring. I just want to pick up my house, my husband, and my daughter and set us all down right next to the hospital so I can be there whenever I need to be without the worry of $25 a day parking, horrendous gas prices getting over the pass, Addison needing a nap, school work, and the fifty thousand other things that I'm obsessing over at the moment.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Toad the Wet Sprocket was up next and since they really only have two songs we wanted to hear, we took that time to find some more drinks and get something to eat. We got good spots up front for Candlebox and when they took the stage it was awesome!! =] They played some of my favorites - Cover Me and Far Behind being my two favorites. They also played some tributes to other rock bands which was really cool. The lead guitarist threw his pics out into the crowd after every song and I was determined to get one... but since I'm elbow height for the rest of the crowd I didn't really stand a chance. He threw one toward the end of the concert and it his a drunk guy in the chest and fell to the ground... so I made a bee-line for it and snagged it. Not exactly the same as having one thrown to me, but I'll take what I can get. After they finished their encore performance (Far Behind) the drummer chucked his drum sticks out into the crowd and the guy in front of me caught one. He knew I'd been trying to catch something all through the show, so he gave it to me!
As we were leaving the concert, I saw my security supervisor friend by one of the doors and showed him my drum stick, he grinned and let us in the door he was guarding - we got to go backstage!! We got to meet all the band members, get autographs, and take a few pictures! It was the most AWESOME concert experience ever!!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
You are my hero. You have been for as long as I can remember. The snippets of my earliest memories involve tagging along after you, trying to do whatever you were doing - building things, working on cars, playing cards, ANYTHING, as long as I got to be in your shadow. I had arguments with my friends that my dad was cooler/stronger/smarter than their dads. I went hunting with you, even though I was terrified of actually killing anything, because it was something that I got to do with just you. I learned to change my oil and a flat tire so I could spend more time working in the garage with you. I always wanted to be good enough at whatever I did so that you would be proud of me and would put your hand on my shoulder and give me that squeeze that says all the things that words can't say. One of the most life changing moments I had as a teenager was when, in the throws of my rebellion, I had done something awful and had you stressed to the limit. You told me that you thought I was going to cause you to have a heart attack. I know that you might not remember that moment, and that if you do, it might seem like that statement didn't have an impact on me at the time... but it did. From then on, I realized that I wanted to be someone you could be proud to have as a daughter and I have worked so hard to be the best at everything I do because I want so badly to make up for how awful I was when I was a stupid teenager. In striving to make you proud, I've made myself proud - I've married a man that I love, had a child that I couldn't live without, found a career that I'm really good at, and pursued my education. I have friends that care about me and family that I love. And after all of that, you are still my hero - the strongest, bravest, stubbornest man I have ever known and I am so incredibly proud to be your daughter. So no matter what this battle is that lies ahead of us - no matter where this road takes us - you are my hero and I know that you will fight this thing and you will win because you are my dad - and my dad is stronger than anything out there. I may be closing in on my 30th birthday Dad, but I'm still a daddy's girl, no matter what....
I love you and we will beat this.