Bittersweet...

These past few weeks have been pretty hard on me and I haven't really sat down and talked to anyone to vent it out, so I guess I'm going to ramble on the interwebs and see if it can give me any relief...

I should have been having a baby this week. When I got pregnant in the spring, my due date was right around the 15th of December. But I lost the baby and all of those dreams went out the window. [I want to stop right here to explain that I am SO thankful to be pregnant now and that so far, things are going perfectly with this pregnancy and I do realize that there was some reason that the last baby couldn't have been carried to term... so as painful as it was/is, I have come to terms with the miscarriage.] It just so happens that this pregnancy's timeline leaves milestones on some of the most painful dates - We have our big ultrasound in a week and as excited as I am to find out if baby is a boy or a girl, I can't help but think that I would have been cuddling a newborn baby at that time. I'm due on May 10th, five days after the anniversary of the miscarriage and I really, honestly fear delivering on the 5th of May just because that date holds so much pain for me. I guess I just feel like all of the 'biggies' of this pregnancy have a shadow of the lost baby hovering just out of sight...

I think the other factor that is driving all this anxiety is that we are quickly approaching week 21 in this pregnancy - the week when I made my first [of MANY] hospital visit with contractions. My pregnancy with Addison was textbook in the beginning. After week 21, it went to hell in a handbag - contractions, PUPPPS rash, bed rest... oi, the list goes on and on. I know that each pregnancy is different but I only have one to compare it with and it was so scary at the end and the closer we get to that date, the more I worry. The difference now is that I'm at work all day, so if the contractions start I can't just jump in the car and be at the ER in 15 minutes... I'm already running out of sick leave and I haven't even started my bi-weekly or weekly check-ups yet, and I'm HORRIFIED of going into labor at work... early or on time.

I know that this is all out of my control and I'm positive that is the reason that I'm so stressed about it. I hate not having a plan, not being able to know what is going to happen and when... Being pregnant in the summer sucked for a lot of reasons, but at least I was home, comfortable, and less stressed.... now I'm on my feet, with an audience of 25 at all times, uncomfortable, and... well, I work with teenagers, I'm always stressed. I know there is nothing to do except sit back and let it come as it may... but that doesn't make it any easier.