The fringe...

My heart is broken.

I feel as though I'm grieving even though it's impossible to accurately articulate the range of emotions that I've felt in the past few days. I haven't cried this hard or this much since my dad passed away. I have resisted social media and texts because I don't know how to say what is in my heart without causing pain in my relationships but I also can't continue to feel all of this and not express it somehow.

I grew up as a kid on the fringes. I lived near the "cool kids" and when we were little we all played together. As we got older and started to break into different groups they still would play with me on the weekends and during the summer but when we stepped off the school bus each day I found myself alone. I was never pretty enough, athletic enough, or smart enough to fit in so I spent my adolescence on the fringes. I knew all of the "cool kids" and they knew me but that was the extent of it. I wasn't invited to their parties or included in their groups. Looking back at my high school years, I had exactly two real friends. I attended one of the largest high schools in the state but I had two friends... and one didn't even go to my school. It was painful and it took its toll - depression, rebellion, isolation...

Addison has grown up with a small group of friends - daughters of my friends and co-workers. She has gone through preschool, kindergarten, sports, birthdays with these girls and she adores them. Addison doesn't make friends easily - she's wild and unpredictable, passionate and emotional - and those things tend to frustrate kids her age.

This fall, I started to see things falling apart. She was placed in a different class than the other girls, which was what I thought I wanted. I thought she would make new friends so that she wouldn't be so reliant on the other girls to play with her.

Then she wasn't invited to the birthday of one of the girls. I tried to not let it bother me and I came up with all sorts of reasons in my head why it was okay that she didn't get to go. But it lingered.

Then she heard through the grapevine of 1st graders that one of the girls thought she was 'embarrassing' and 'cooky'. It broke her heart which in turn broke mine.

Then, this weekend, she was not invited to another birthday party. All the other little girls were there.

She doesn't know yet - I didn't have the heart to tell her - but she will find out.

We are 100 days into 1st grade.

     She hasn't been invited to a birthday party.

          She hasn't been invited to a sleepover.

               She hasn't been invited to a play date, a movie... anything.

                    When asked who she plays with the most at recess, she replies, "Myself."

I am a mother of a little girl on the fringe.

When that realization hit me yesterday, it broke me. I went to work in my classroom and I bawled like a baby for hours. Then I got home and tried to explain how I was feeling to Derek... which led to me bawling again.

I don't know how to parent her through this. Some of my dearest friends are the moms of these girls. I love these other girls and I love their moms. But I'm ashamed to admit that I'm resentful and hurt. I know that they aren't deliberately excluding her and that they aren't trying to be cruel but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts her and that it hurts me.

Measuring up...

It's been an entire year since I sat down with a blank page and cursor in front of me... I wish that my first post back was something positive, something uplifting. I DO have those posts in my drafts folder - they are unfinished and don't have the burning urgency to post that this one does. So they will stay there and the raw, icky reality of life will make its way onto this page instead.

My life has forever been a battle of measuring up. Before I continue let me assure you that I KNOW that this isn't reality, I know that the things I tremble before are NOT the important things in life. Intellectually, I know this. I may know it but I can't make myself believe it lately.

I have been trying to unravel the mess of how I ended up here - how I went from relatively "okay" with life back to a place where I am on a razor-sharp precipice between holding it together and absolute darkness. There isn't one event or circumstance that has landed me here - it's a mess of different little things that have snowballed together. This is my attempt at untangling it all..

Weight. This is probably the most all-consuming thought on my mind. It would appear that five pounds is the difference between sanity and insanity for me. I know that (rationally) it is a small number, that my overall weight is not something to be concerned about... blah. blah. blah. As I said before, knowing and believing are two different concepts completely in my book. My clothes don't fit right. I loathe what I see in the mirror and in pictures. I have never tried to lose weight by doing anything normal. When I have wanted to drop pounds, I starved myself. It was a very simple equation. No food = smaller numbers on the scale. I don't know how to pick just healthy items. I don't know how to moderate my intake anymore. Binge eating is new to me and completely terrifying. When I was in out-patient therapy for my last bought with anorexia I was told to "just eat" and to learn to enjoy food again. That advice worked for a time but now it has come back to bite me in the ass in a completely different way. I can't make portion control work. I want Oreos, especially when I feel like the world is laying its weight on my shoulders. I don't want to go back, I don't want to ever have to deal with my eating disorder like that again. The problem is that I value my weight more than my health. I don't want to. I wish it to be different but it's not.

Parenting. I feel like the ultimate failure as a mother. I watch other people with their kids and I wonder what in the hell I am doing wrong. One child doesn't sleep. Ever. I have had to lock her door at night because she roams the house at all hours of the night, watching Netflix and eating everything in the house. She goes into the garage to search for food and I am terrified she'll find some chemical that wasn't put away properly or eventually, walk right out the front door. She lies. Constantly. She has ADHD that drives me up the wall. She still doesn't sleep through the night without a pull up. My son is nearly 4 and still barely communicates verbally (in human). I can't get him to sit through Sunday school because he refuses to listen to a teacher. He will not potty train. No matter what I do I can't fix these things. I can't find a way to make my kid sleep. She walks around with dark circles under her eyes and is exhausted 98% of the time but I can't make her sleep. I can't even keep her in her room, despite child locks and threats and every incentive system Pinterest has to offer. I can't get my son to talk. There is no amount of coaxing or teaching that will get this child to speak unless he wants to. The exact same problem arises whenever I try to feed him something that doesn't start with "peanut butter and...". We don't eat as a family. I don't cook family meals. Hell, I barely cook. On my days off I spend my time avoiding them, not playing with them because I am so tired and angry and resentful. What kind of mother feels that way about her kids?? I love them with every fiber of my being... and yet I want to lock myself in my bedroom and hid under the covers whenever I am home alone with them.

Work. I can't go into detail about this lest someone file a complaint about it. It's safe to say I could write pages on this topic.

Faith. This season of my life is one of isolation. I feel alone even when I am in a room with the people I love most. My prayer life feels repetitive and empty. I am constantly "doing my homework" in my devotions, not yearning for the knowledge and connection to Christ that I felt six months ago.

I have lost my joy. I have lost who I know I am and who I know I can be. I have been sucked back to this void, this darkness where I can't feel anything anymore.

I know it is temporary. I know this is just a bumpy patch. I know that I will look back on this at some indeterminate time in the future and see the lesson that I learned or some person strength that I acquired. I have been through the dark before and come out the other side but being in the midst is painful, its scary, and it is so very lonely.

Afraid to sleep...

When I lay in bed, I worry. I know that's when I'm supposed to pray, to lean on the Lord... but a lot of the time I worry. Or worse, I Google.

Cohen's hearing appointment is tomorrow. I'm so scared and I'm forced to go alone because Derek is in an audit. What if the diagnosis is not what I want? How do I think, and hold it together, and not snap at Addison, and ask the right questions, and FUNCTION all by myself??

What if my son can't understand my voice when I tell him I love him? What if he doesn't know the sound of his mama calling his name?

My mama heart is heavy tonight... lots of worry, lots of questions, lots of fear. I'm going to bed now and I'm going to pray like I've done every night in recent history. I'm going to pray that my babies are healthy and that they know that I adore them above everything else. I'm going to pray for the doctors to have the expertise and understanding that we need. And I'm going to pray for myself... that no matter what, I have the strength and dignity to hold it together and do what needs to be done. I can lose my shit later, if need be, once the kids are in bed.

Prayers for my baby boy... for tomorrow's test, for the blood work we're still waiting on, for the diagnosis we're unsure of, and for what the future holds.

I think I've said this before...

but parenting is really hard.

I thought it was hard with a newborn - no sleep, no clue what I was doing, pumping milk every 3 hours, spit up, blow out diapers, packing an entire car load just to run to the store... it was hard.

Then I had a toddler - suddenly I was operating on no sleep {okay, more sleep than in the newborn days but compared to pre-baby, it was hardly sufficient}. We had moved past the pumping and spit up and cruised right into a cupboard raiding, electricity outlet seeking, temper tantrum throwing 2 year old... and it was hard.

Then I had a preschooler and a newborn and shit hit the fan {pardon my language... but in some instances, we could be talking about actual poop here... this is the stage where potty training when horribly wrong AND I had a new born with blow out diapers}... and everything that was hard about the first two stages got smooshed together under one roof and this mama may have come ever-so-slightly unglued.

Now, everything that I've just written up there ^ is exactly why this blog has been neglected since Cohen's birth. Parenting TWO children is exceptionally more challenging than parenting one... and I would hedge a bet that it is even more fun with three, and four, and so on... but I have no intentions of discovering that first-hand.

So fast forward to now, I'm mama-ing a 4-year-old and an 18-month-old, working more than full time, grieving the loss of my dad, holding together a marriage that on some days feels like it's on the verge of crumbling down {and on others, feels like perfection.. go figure.}, and trying to do it all and make it look like it's no big deal.

So, basically, I'm a big, fat liar.

Like I've said before, parenting is hard. Being an adult is hard. Being a wife is hard. LIFE IS FREAKING HARD.

{I do have a point, pinkie-swear}.

In the pre-baby days, I could lose my shit - scream, cry, throw things, buy things, starve myself, do whatever it took to make myself feel in control. I looked like an idiot more often than not, but it worked for me. Even in the early days when Addison was so little that I could be letting loose with a string of swear words that would make a sailor blush, but as long as I did it in my 'mommy voice' and had a smile on my face, she was none the wiser. Then, she started to get it. Addison knew when I was mad or sad, reacted when I was angry, and paid attention to whether or not what I did matched what I said I was going to do. Suddenly, I had to follow through. I had to watch what I said. I had to be a PARENT {read: role model} and it was terrifying. Back in the days when Addison was tiny and she cried or did something naughty, I could soothe or scold her and move on with life. However, four years old means memories and grudges tiny broken hearts over tiny broken promises. Four means laying down the law and teaching respect and asking WHY did it seem like a good idea to bite daddy... four means shit is getting real.

Addison is a mini-me... it's adorable most of the time - she's wonky and silly and loves people and runs on high octane... but minus a nap or with an unplanned change in the schedule or just because the moon is full, she can turn into a small, but mighty terror. Please understand, that until she turned three, I just thought that 'those people' with 'those obnoxious children' simply had no parenting skills and knew that no offspring of my womb would EVER dare act that way sohelpmeGod. Mmmmhmmm... That was the naivety of a first time parent. I know better now. The higher the stakes, the classier the joint, the more likely it is that my child will do something crazy. And I never wanted to be 'that parent' with 'that kid'... so I scolded and I YELLED. And then one day, Addison dropped her drink in the kitchen and I turned around  with what I'm assuming it the typical "take cover, mom is going to explode" look... and my kid flinched.

My child was scared that I was going to yell. She was expecting it. And it stopped me dead in my tracks.

{^ point, if you missed it}.

I don't want to be that mom. I want to be a mom who has well-behaved kids because they don't want to disappoint her, not because they fear her. I want to have kids who come clean about their mistake before I even find out because they know that I am a safe haven and that even though there will be consequences - they are SAFE. I don't want to be the mom who screams. I never want to see fear in my child's eyes.

So, I'm starting over. I don't think you really get to do that but it's better than mucking through the way I've been going. I read several articles today as I planned this blog and, as He has a way of doing - God guided me to this decision and gave me the resources and the support from other mom's to say that I'm not going to yell anymore. {I realize this is the goal, and not likely the actual reality... but I'm talking about my children, so I'm setting the bar high.} I'm taking the OrangeRhino Challenge. 365 days {and hopefully many, many more - of no yelling}. I may vent on here, I may lock myself in the bathroom to count to 100, but I will do my absolute best not to yell.

Because as I realized today... that even though I carried these two tiny humans inside my body, pushed them out into this world, nursed them, and fell madly in love with them - THEY ARE NOT MINE TO KEEP. God blessed me with these to precious souls and has charged me with caring for them and raising them up until they are ready to go out into the world and do His work. When I fully realize that these are children of God, not just children of Stefani and Derek, I feel even more pressure to do the right thing. And the right thing, the thing that God has done with me, is to raise them with love. God has never yelled at me and I want to mirror that parenting that He has shown me. I want to be worthy of being called 'mama' by these two precious souls.

So, my first step, is to stop yelling, to treat them with love and to be honest with myself, with God, and with my children about the kind of parent I need to be.

Today was my first day... 364 to go {and hopefully 6552 after that...}

I had one major trigger and I snapped, but I didn't yell. I caught Addison coloring in pencil on the door panel in the new Pilot while we were driving to the store. When I realized what was happening, I snapped at her to stop and give me the pencil. I asked her why she thought it was okay to color on the car {and herself, which happened yesterday when she came home from preschool with washable marker toenail polish, fingernail polish, lipstick, and body paint}. Then I handed her a wipe and made her clean up every mark of pencil we could see. She didn't get a treat at the store {as she had been promised} but I explained that it was a consequence of making the choice to color on the car. She didn't like it, but she didn't cry and she still held my hand as we walked across the parking lot.

I have a long way to go and I know that I am going to slip up more than once and end up back a zero, but I can handle that as long as I can turn around when juice goes crashing to the floor and not see fear in the eyes of my child.

I will do this. With God, all things are possible. {Matthew 19:26}

Here is a list of what I've been reading today:

Orange Rhino Challenge
10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling At My Kids
When Your Temper Scares You
How To Have A Temper Tantrum {This is the one that started it all for me... it brought tears.}
The Passion of Parenting

Losing 'The One'

A year ago, after a lot of soul searching, we moved Addison out of daycare in Zillah and into a daycare here in Moxee where she would get some preschool experience. It was the perfect set up - a few blocks from our house, Derek could drop her off, I could pick her up and if I had to work late or if she got sick it didn't fall on my shoulders alone to get her home. The move ended up being an amazing one - she came home singing her ABC's and counting, her vocabulary EXPLODED, she learned to play with other kids [sometimes more nicely than others], and, most importantly, she fell in love with Miss Lynn and all her friends.

Today we found out that as of September 1st, Miss Lynn will be closing her doors to go back to college to earn her teaching degree - something she has wanted to do and has been working toward for some time now. She will make the most amazing teacher and I understand that this is her calling. Daycare was something that she chose to do because it enabled her to stay home with her youngest son, who will be entering kindergarten this fall. So, the move makes perfect sense for her and for her family.

For me, however, I have found myself devastated - even more so that I would have anticipated. I've been in tears off and on all night trying to come to terms that in the next month I have to find someone who I can trust and feel confident leaving my babies with. I don't want my kids to go to some house where they watch TV all day and pork out on whatever they want. I want them learning and playing and trying new things. My most treasured possession is a Mother's Day poem [and hand prints] that came home this year. I want my kids to go somewhere where I know they will be loved and appreciated during those hours where I can be with them. Derek keeps telling me to calm down, that things will work out, etc., etc. But what he doesn't grasp is that we are looking for someone to RAISE OUR CHILDREN when we can't be there. That's not something that I take lightly. I want someone who will discipline my strong willed daughter without breaking her spirit, who will drink all of the pretend tea that she makes, and who will let her get soaked with the hose when the occasion calls for it. I want someone who is going to cuddle my son extra close, especially during those first few weeks when he and I are apart - as much for me as for  him. Someone who I can trust to keep them safe and to teach them new things. I don't want someone who will just watch my children, I want someone who will love them and I'm terrified that on this short timetable that I'm not going to find someone that meets my standards. I have two weeks in August before a week-long vacation and then school starts. It doesn't leave much time for interviewing and transitioning and it has my anxiety through the roof.

Please pray that we find someone kind and loving and dedicated who ALSO happens to have the time, energy, and space to take on two new kiddos - one 'spirited' preschooler and one 3-month old. Those two little people mean the entire world to me and I will never be able to relax at work or do my job if I'm not 100% confident they are safe and loved when I can't be around. My heart hurts on this one... :'(

Humbled...

I was going to have a tantrum today.

I was going to post about how hard my day was - first day home alone with the new baby, trying to get a workout in, keep up on housework, and still be a good mama and give my boy all the loves he needs. He was fussy this morning and from 5am on it was a dance of cuddling and pumping and feeding and changing and rocking and burping and then PRAYING he'd go back to sleep long enough for me to get a few Zzzzz's in. I gave up on the concept at 10:30 and slowly got us ready and out the door for a jog [IN THE RAIN]. We got home and I got all pumped up to do my first Shred workout but had to hop back and forth between rocking Cohen in his carseat and having Jillian chew me out for taking breaks. Then I cleaned the master bedroom as fast as I could, picked up most of the house, and spent the rest of the afternoon feeding, pumping, cuddling, burping, [getting HURLED on], and changing my sweet little boy.

I was grumbling a little, visualizing this routine lasting for the next three months and wishing for just a teeny dash of normalcy in my day. I was writing up a blog in my head talking about how much harder it is to be a SAHM than a working mom, how I miss work and routine, and blah blah blah. While I was rocking Cohen after his mid-afternoon snack I snuck on my phone and checked my Google-reader to see if I was missing out on anything. I don't get to keep up on my blog reading like I used to and I wanted to make sure nothing major had happened in the world of the interwebs.

And I read this post. And I realized what an asshole I am for complaining about how hard my life is.

I've been following Jenn's posts since I was pregnant with Addison, I followed along as her twins were conceived despite huge odds, as she lost the healthy twin the day before delivery, and as her surviving baby struggled for the last 17 months in the NICU. And now she has to bury her baby. Suddenly everything fell into perspective for me... I have a healthy baby boy and a thriving little girl, my biggest concern is how to fill my spare time and keep the crumbs off my floors. I stress out because my laundry piles up and because I forget to shower. But my children are alive and healthy and safe... and that is really all that matters.

So, I won't have a tantrum today. I won't be selfish enough to think my life is hard enough to warrant a tantrum. Instead, I'll be thankful for each time I get spit up on, for every time I get woken up during the night, for every fit Addison throws when she can't have any more apple juice. I'll be thankful and I'll count my blessings - and any time I start to feel sorry for myself I will remember that I'm lucky just to have these two tiny people in my life.

Becoming a family of four...

The arrival of Cohen has been the most talked about and most anticipated event in our house for the past nine months. We have anxiously awaited the moment where Addison would become a big sister and we would be able to share our new son with the world.

Addison's first moments with Cohen were while we were in the hospital and it's one of the moments that I regret the most from this whole experience. I was stranded in the bathroom for the first thirty minutes of Addison's time with Cohen. Then I had to spend the next 30 minutes with three nurses and a catheter while my new little family waited in the hall. I missed Addison's first reaction and first moments with Cohen. I wasn't present when my family of three officially became a family of four and that breaks my heart. I didn't get to see the look on Addison's face when she saw her brother for the first time and I didn't get to watch as she took in his tiny features for the first time.

I really didn't get to see any interaction between my two babies until after we got home from the hospital. I've wondered all along how Addison would handle all of the change that goes along with a new sibling and despite the fact that my 'spirited' child is still just as spirited - I feel like she's handling it really well. She's constantly concerned about 'baby Cohen' and what we are doing with him. She asks where he is and what he's doing, she asks to see Cohen first thing in the morning after waking up, and wants to make sure that he is in his swing and content before we eat dinner. She wants to hold him and give him kisses and she would give ANYTHING to put him in with her babies and push him in one of her strollers. She loves showing off her baby brother to new visitors and peeking in on him when he's nursing or sleeping or being changed... or just hanging out. Addison wants to be a good big sister and she is trying so hard. We still have to work on how to handle baby - I was putting him in her lap yesterday and she grabbed him in a bear hug to hold him. She wants to give him all her toys - even the ones that are bigger than he is. She would love to feed him [crackers, juice, grapes... anything] and doesn't really understand why or how mom's boob is the one place where this baby gets his meals. Sometimes, especially when she's extra excited, she bounces around and the potential for wonking her brother on the head increases exponentially - these are the moments when we have to redirect her or help her find a way to show her energy without pouncing on anybody.

Becoming a family of four didn't go exactly how I planned it in my mind. I visualized holding Cohen and having Addison crawl up into the hospital bed with me where we quietly marveled at the tiny man who just entered our lives. We would hold him and talk about how small he was and she would get to give him a kiss for the first time. I visualized all this happening in a quiet moment which would be captured on film and memorialized forever on our fridge. Instead I was crying on the toilet and trying to listen to what was happening in the other room. Instead of a warm fuzzy family moment, Addison was wound up and getting in trouble for running/climbing/crawling/toddlering, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't focus on anything but getting relief, and most of the interactions between my children took place in the hallway of the hospital. It wasn't what I had planned and I was disappointed when the moment had passed and I realized that we didn't get a do-over. But, despite all that, we did become a family of four that day. It may not have gone the way I had planned [I don't even have a picture of us from that day] but we made it, and that is what counts in the end.

Addison holding baby Cohen's hand...

My babies <3

Addison couldn't WAIT to put Cohen in his baby swing. She helped mommy and daddy put it together last week!

My big girl <3

Cohen's Birth Story

Well, I have to give it to my children... they certainly do know how to make an entrance.

I spent Tuesday morning doing housework and weeding the vegetable garden in hopes that I would somehow jump-start labor. After my shower and lunch I started having contractions and by 2pm they were painful enough and close enough that I started thinking about calling Derek. At 3pm I gave in and called him and told him that he needed to come home so we could head to the hospital. His dad came over to watch Addison and we left for the hospital. We checked in to L&D at 4pm and the nurses hooked me up to the monitors to check my contractions and see how baby was handling everything. My contractions slowed down a bit once we got there [go figure, my uterus NEVER wants to behave] and Derek and I started talking about how we most certainly about to get sent home. I was dilated to 1cm and 60% effaced which wasn't much of a change from my appointment last week. After a while the nurse came in and looked over the print-out from the monitor. She wasn't impressed with the contractions [and neither were we] but she was concerned about Cohen's fetal monitor strip. Each time I had a contraction, Cohen's heart rate would drop significantly. It wasn't the fact that it dropped that was concerning but WHEN it dropped [after the contraction instead of during it]. There is certain criteria that the fetal print-out has to meet in order for patients to be sent home and our information didn't meet the criteria to go home. The nurse said that the strip was 'concerning' but not 'worrysome' which, of course, left me worrying like crazy. They called Dr. H to see what he thought about the situation and he came over to the hospital to talk with us and do an ultrasound to see if he could figure out what was going on. The ultrasound didn't help us much - we couldn't see where the cord was [and the suspicion was that it was pinned between his skull and my pelvis] but we did see that Cohen was not nearly as active as he normally was and seemed to be staying in a 'sleep cycle' despite being poke, prodded, and having loud noises played up against my tummy. Dr. H explained that while he didn't feel like we needed to deliver right that moment but that baby was definitely sending the message that he wanted out sooner rather than later and that meant inducing my labor right away.

Hospital bling...

The infamous 'strip' that started it all...

At 7pm we were admitted to the hospital and moved into room 428, two door down from where I delivered Addison. Once we got settled the nurse came in and started my IV and started my Pitocin drip. I started having more regular, stronger contractions around 10pm but Cohen's heart rate dropped several times and set off all the alarms on the monitors so they backed off the Pitocin drip for several hours. Derek and I tried to get some sleep over night but with the nurse checking my vitals every 30 minutes and being hooked up to an IV and having to pee every hour or so, sleep was kind of a joke. As the night progressed, the nurse continued to increase my Pitocin dose because my contractions kept petering off and stalling out. At 5am the contractions started to get a lot more intense - enough that I couldn't play Scramble with Friends during one [that's how we measure contractions around here...] They were really strong but not unbearable and I wanted to go as long as I could before getting my epidural because when I had Addison the epidural caused my labor to stall out. Dr. H came in at 7am to check me - I was dilated to a whopping 2 cm and 80% effaced. He opted to break my water to get things rolling. My water broke on it's own with Addison so I didn't realize what I was in for during that procedure. I think I about crawled out the top of the bed while breaking Derek's hands - it was horrifically painful. After that, the contractions started coming A LOT stronger, longer, and closer together and I was left crying and hanging on to the bed rail begging for the epidural. My heroics of waiting for labor to progress further went right out the window and thankfully we didn't have to wait too long for the anesthesiologist to get there and get started. At 8am they started the epidural and I finally got some relief from the pain. I was way more comfortable afterward and was able to play on Facebook, play Words, and text friends while we were waiting and chatting with our nurses. At 10:30 I told the nurse that I was feeling some pressure with each contraction and she decided to check me - I was dilated to 8 cm and almost completely effaced. I was surprised that things went so fast after breaking my water and finally had hope that we were going to have a normal delivery and not a c-section. We thought it'd be another hour or so before it was time to push but 20 minutes later I was feeling more pressure and when the nurse checked me she said it was time to go. They broke down the room and got ready and some time around 11am Dr. H arrived and I started to push. It took 6 or 7 contractions worth of pushing to deliver Cohen - almost twice as long as it took with Addison and by the time he was born at 11:20am, I was EXHAUSTED. I don't know how women push for hours on end - I would most certainly die or pass out if that was the case!

Cohen Jeffrey Tweedy was born at 11:20am on Wednesday, April 25th 2012. He weighed 6 lbs. 14 oz [EXACTLY the same weight as his sister] and was 20 inches long.

Our first seconds as new parents...

Streeeeetch!!!

He's giving the nurse the side-eye for taking his vitals...

All bundled up...

Proud Papa...

My new little man...

 

Sleeping like a baby...

He looks too little to be in this giant car seat!!

Getting ready to head home...

Recovery and Postpartum...

Delivery is hard... I don't think that is any big surprise. However, delivering Cohen was significantly more difficult that delivering Addison, despite them being the same size. It took me almost twice as long to push him out and I feel like the aftermath of his birth was harder on my body this time around. I'm almost 100% convinced that my tailbone is severely bruised and I wouldn't be surprised at all if someone told me it was actually broken - the pain that I feel every time I sit down or bend over is excruciating. Add to that the joy of an episiotomy and you can imagine that my girl parts have seen better days. One thing that was much different with Cohen is that after delivery I was totally unable to pee due to the massive swelling. When Dr came to check on me I was sitting on the potty crying because I was in such pain from trying to pee. He sent for a nurse to re-insert a catheter and drain my bladder. Placing the catheter was almost as painful as the contractions I was feeling after Dr broke my water - it was horrible. Once they got it in, they drained 1600 ml of pee out of my bladder (FYI - that's almost a 2 liter)... the nurse said that with that amount of fluid my bladder had been the size of a newborn. No wonder it hurt like hell! The catheter was left in overnight and ended up being a lifesaver. When they removed it the next morning I was able to pee without any pain (hallelujah!).

The only thing that we left behind at the hospital that made me sad was the nurses. We were blessed (again) to have some of the most wonderful nurses that I've ever met. Some were new to us - Christa, Becky, Jamie, and Pat... and one was dear to our hearts from when we had Addison - Carla. They made the difference in everything - from finding out that things weren't ideal with Cohen's vitals and the stress and tears that followed that, to the painful contractions, and right on through delivery.

I'm just thankful that, despite all the challenges of this pregnancy and birth, this little man is healthy, happy, and sweeter than we ever could have hoped for... Now my new challenge will be to learn how to be a parent of two little munchkins =] I'm sure there will never be a dull moment...

Bittersweet...

Today I had a moment... I'm not sure if it was a result of pregnancy hormones or just the sheer realization of how drastically our lives are about to change but it hit me like a ton of bricks.

In the face.

Hard.

In a very short while, Addison will no longer be my only baby. She will always be my baby girl, my first love... but she won't be my only love anymore. Very soon there will be another little love in our lives, with his own charm and personality and Addison will no longer be the sole focus of my motherly affection. I feel like somehow, I'm about to 'cheat' on my baby girl.

I'm not sure why that realization brought tears to my eyes today [and again as I'm writing this] - I am thrilled that we are having Cohen and knowing that Addison will have a sibling by her side no matter what life throws at her is the best gift I can give her as a parent. But just as I had to mourn the life we had before we became parents and put the fancy dinners and shopping sprees and vacations aside for mac-n-cheese and Gymboree and trips to the park, I have to mourn the fact that I will never again be 'just Addison's mommy'.

We went to the park after daycare to play for a bit while the carpets were drying and I watched her run and climb and slide and play and it really sunk in. I will be a mommy of two very soon - two sets of needs to balance, two opinions to weigh, two tiny people will be vying for my attention - and I will have to share it. Cohen will never know what it's like to be the 'only one' - he will always have had to share us with his sister. But Addison will know, and once Cohen arrives her life is going to be thrown into upheaval - a different schedule, shared attention... things that I never dealt with as an only child and have no way of preparing her for. I realize that in the long run, she won't remember this time before Cohen - when she looks back at her life it will seem like he has always been there. Maybe that is the part that I'm mourning - that she won't remember this special time, these past two years where it's just been the three of us even though the memories we have from the last two years are some of the most special and dear to my heart. Maybe it's the fact that she will no longer be the baby - that Cohen will take that role and that somehow we're 'replacing' her. I don't know...

As I'm writing this, I'm frustrated because I can't put words together to explain how or why this hurts my heart so much - part of me feels like a terrible parent for being sad at a time when I should be nothing but excited and anxious, part of me feels like admitting this makes me a bad mother and that people are going to read this post and think less of me, and part of me just feels heartbroken and lost for words.  But most of me - all of me - wishes I could freeze time for just a few moments and memorize these last few days... just like I did when she was a newborn and I swore I'd never forget how tiny she felt in my arms or how her little foot fit just along the inside of my thumb... but I can't remember how tiny she felt. And I'm scared that I will lose this special bond that we have and the thought of losing that terrifies me more than anything on this planet.

My big girl can climb like a pro...

She was taking my order at the drive up window...

One of our last days as the dynamic duo... <3

Raising my spirited child...

Yup... This one.

I don't normally do book reviews on this blog - I have a GoodReads.com account for that. However, this book was different and since I took pages of notes while reading it, I thought I might as well put them somewhere where I can refer back to them and where other parents of 'spirited' children (I grin as I say that) can possibly relate. 

This book was recommended to me by our daycare provider and friend... she was reading it and mentioned that during a large part of the book she found herself saying, "That sounds a lot like Addison!" Uh-oh. =] So, since I have been at my wits end with this little munchkin, I hopped on Barnes and Noble, ordered it and have spent the past couple of months reading it. It did take me a while to get through but that was more because of that huge amount of information I was trying to process, not a reflection of the quality of book. I fully intend to read it again in a couple of years, when Addison is older, because I'm sure that I'll need to tweak my approach to just about every aspect of parenting again when we get closer to pre-school and kindergarten (gulp). So, what you are about to read are my note/reflections/musings that I jotted down while reading - this is NOT a summary of the book, you'll have to read it yourself for that. This is, however, how the book applies to my very 'spirited' two and a half year old.

First off, a look at the traits that we see in Addison as they relate to the book...

Addison is extremely extroverted. For her to 'refuel' she needs to feed off of people around her - playing, talking, cuddling, or whatever she can do to be near the people she loves. She (like her mama, the blogger) is an 'over-sharer' of emotions - she doesn't hold anything back and isn't afraid to tell the world when she is happy, excited, disappointed, mad, etc. 

The next trait discussed in the book is intensity. If you have met my child, you know she is very intense - her reactions are super strong, whether they are positive or negative. She's not just happy, she's ecstatic. She's not just upset, she's devastated. Her emotional pendulum swings higher that most of her little friends. She doesn't just cry when she's upset, she explodes. When she's happy, she squeals and screams. She can go from one extreme emotion to the other and back again in a matter of minutes. Sometimes, she gets so upset that she really does need our help calming down - hugs and soothing voices to get her off that 'intense' ledge because the feelings that she is having can make her feel out of control and scared. We have to keep that in mind and instead of getting on her case about being so amped up, we need to help her learn to calm down by teaching her to relax and breathe. If we get irritated or yell, it's just going to send her farther into the 'red zone'. We also need to keep in mind that this kid is full of emotions and that running and playing and being active each day can help her alleviate some of the intensity she's feeling.

The third trait is persistence and I really feel like Addison demonstrates this in certain areas but not across the board. If she wants something - a snack, Bubble Guppies, juice, to play on the slide, whatever it is - she doesn't give up. You don't get to distract this child with alternate activities. Once she has zoned in on something - it's got her full attention. Sometimes, if we fight her on something, even once she gets it she's still upset. For example, she dropped her baby in the car one day and I couldn't reach it while driving. She wailed all the way to the grocery store that she wanted her baby and when we got there and I was able to give it to her - she STILL wailed that she wanted her baby, even though it was in her arms. We need to try and give her a say in certain things - choosing between two healthy snacks, picking out jammies, picking her bedtime story, etc. so she can feel in control of some parts of her day. 

The next trait is sensitivity and I feel like she shows this a lot. Much of the chapter is dedicated to kids who are sensitive to textures and what they wear and THAT part doesn't really apply to Addison (except that she hates tags and socks). However, she is very sensitive to hot and cold - sometimes we think she's just being a pain, but I'm starting to think she really does find that her food or bath water or sweater is too hot and it irritates her. She moves constantly to get comfortable - readjusting blankets, requiring pillows, stuffed animals, etc. to be just right before she can relax. She is a SUPER light sleeper and has been from the very beginning - and disturbance in light or sound and she's wide awake and wondering what's going on. She also tells us that she's hurt - ALL. THE. TIME. It's been driving us nuts but now I'm wondering if she really isn't displaying hyper-sensitivity to how things feel. I know that people would look at me like I was crazy if they saw me try to walk barefoot on concrete because, even if it's smooth, it hurts my feet. I think she may be the same way, things that hurt, really hurt her and she needs reassurance that it's going to be okay.

I think that perceptiveness is definitely one of her strong traits. When she gets focused on something, she completely zones out. We like to joke and call it 'screensaver mode' because she locks in to whatever she is watching/doing and truly doesn't hear or see us trying to get her attention. I could be screaming her name and she wouldn't even flinch. She doesn't like to be distracted from something that she's devoting her attention to - she gets upset when she has to stop an activity that she's enjoying. When we are trying to get her attention and move her from one activity to the next we have to be really careful to get down to her level, make eye contact, and give her precise directions.

Another strong trait is adaptability. Transitions are really hard for her and are the source of most of our meltdowns during the day. Things like mealtime, leaving daycare, stopping a TV show or playing, getting in and out of the car all test her limits and agitate her. She's not really a fan of surprises - it's important to tell her the schedule and stick to it and let her know who will be around. It's also really important to plan time for closure - we're asking for trouble if we just sweep in and expect her to be ready to go - tell her she can finish what she is doing and give her a chance to finish the activity (within reason). The author compared it to being all snuggled in and watching your favorite show and then having someone come in during the middle, turn it off, and tell you it was time to go. I have to admit, I'd be pissy too. It's also important for us to limit the number of transitions where we can (getting in and out of the car, different activities, etc.) to avoid overloading her.

The next trait is one of the first ones we discovered with Addison - irregularity. Since she was born, she has pooped, eaten, and slept according to her own 'schedule' (or lack thereof). She can goes days without pooping, is never hungry at the same time, and picks and chooses that days and times when she is willing to take a nap. Some days it's no nap at all, some days it's 30 minutes, and others it's 3 hours. You just never, ever know with this child.

Energy. Ha. Again... if you've met my daughter, you just know. If you haven't... well... energy is something she has endless amounts of... singing, dancing, running, jumping, squirming, climbing... she can do it all day and not get worn out. I did learn a few things in this chapter that I didn't fully realize... first, she doesn't get 'worn out' because she's not hyper - the energy we're seeing is her personality so she can go at full speed all day. Another is that we need to coach her and teach her how to be calm - how to walk calmly, speak quietly, and play quietly. She needs to learn the social situations when it's okay to play and run but also needs to realize that there are many times when those behaviors are not socially acceptable (classrooms, restaurants, doctors' offices, etc.). 

The final two traits in the book I didn't really feel applied to Addison. The first was 'first reaction' (in terms of new people, activities, or places). Addison is pretty comfortable going out and joining groups, staying in new places, or trying new things - one thing this child does not have is apprehension. The other trait that didn't really apply to her was mood. She can get mad and upset, don't get me wrong - but she isn't sullen or withdrawn when she's being herself. 

Other musings from the text...

It's easy to go overboard creating rules but the more we create the more we have to stick to and enforce. We really need to look at what is going on and ask ourselves the following questions:

- Is it safe?
- Are you respecting others?
- Are you respecting the environment?

If the answer is yes, then it's probably okay. If the answer is no, we need to redirect her.

Use "stop" instead of no. (We've started this and I really think it's helped a lot).

Pick your battles - if she doesn't want to eat, put it away. If she wants a snack later, she gets what is left of her meal. If she wants to eat with her fingers (or pizza with a fork), who care - as long as she's eating it doesn't really matter HOW she's eating.

Consequences need to fit the crime, especially for 2-4 year olds.  If she doesn't eat, she doesn't get any snacks, just her refused meal but don't take away play time or other things (story time) because she won't see the connection. Natural consequences are best - if you don't eat, you get hungry - this makes more sense to kids.

Don't use 'please' or 'okay' when giving a direction unless it's an option. Little kids don't understand the politeness aspect; they think you are really giving them a choice. Make the direction clear and to the point.

Make a point of telling her what she CAN do instead of what she CAN'T do - giving her options will help her comply while still feeling like she has a say and isn't in trouble.

Make eye contact... don't have your discussion until she's willing to make and keep eye contact, even if it means sitting out for a bit.

Transitions are hard for her - give her a heads up she can understand (NOT in minutes) like, 'after this show' or 'after we read this book' so she knows when a change is coming. Extra important when it’s an unexpected transition.

Tantrums for spirited kids are often spill over of building emotions, not just an attention getter. Look closely for the source...

Make a toddler survival kit for outings - wipes, snacks, juice box, crayons, coloring book, etcha sketch, and other quiet activities to take into places where 'spirited' behavior might not be appreciated.

Our tone of voice is important - if she's stressed or amped up, yelling or taking a 'stern' tone may just stress her out more. Talk quietly, but firmly.

Mealtime is a major source of contention in our house...

"You are responsible for the what, when, and where, of feeding. Your child is responsible for the how much, and the whether of eating. If parents provide opportunities throughout the day of healthy, balanced snacks and meals they have done their part - the rest lies on the shoulder of the child." 

We shouldn't over rule her if she says she isn't hungry or doesn't like something. Imagine being set down with someone else’s lunch and told you have to eat every piece whether you like it or not - not a good feeling. Addison has irregularity as one of her strongest traits - she doesn't doing anything according to s a set schedule - it's silly of us to think that she would eat according to one. 

Toddler portions are actually much smaller than we thing - 1/6 of an egg is their "serving" or two tablespoons of meat. We are giving her a lot more than that at each meal so she really is getting the nutrition she needs. 

Food should not be a punishment or a reward. This is a biggie - no food bribery (eat this and you can have desert) or 'you have to eat every bite (or five bites or whatever) because it tells her not to listen to her bodies cues for when she is full which is a huge cause of obesity. Offer a bit of everything and realize that while she may only eat one part of the meal today, she'll eat a different part tomorrow and that it will balance out. 

The two most important questions to ask a child is,” Are you hungry and,”Are you full?" Let them take it from there. 

Make sure the snacks she is getting are balanced - protein, carbs, little fat, and a fruit or veggie so that she doesn't feel constantly hungry. Then offer her a meal when dinnertime rolls around. If she doesn't eat, put it away and let her try again later. If she says she doesn't like something, that's okay. Keep giving it to her but realize that it can take twenty exposures before she decides its ok. Toddlers really typically only eat one good, solid meal a day - the rest of the time they pick and choose. 

It's normal for kids to put food in their mouths and spit it out - don't punish - she's not rejecting, she's experimenting, It's not okay to throw or drop food but if the amount is too large, the texture is new, the temperature is unexpected or any other factor she may need to spit it out.

Socializing...

We need to teach her how to wait and approach a group or activity without jumping in and taking over. We should physically show her how to leave enough space in-between bodies, praise her when she uses an inside voice. She doesn't know what we mean by "quiet voice" but if we catch her in the act she'll understand. 

When she flips out on someone, pull her aside and remind her it's not okay to hit/kick whatever other people and that she needs to use her words. If she’s too upset, pull her aside and make her wait until she calms down but then she needs to go say she's sorry - when she's older she needs to have dialog about what she and the other child were feeling.

Kids have tantrums - it's not realistic to expect them not to. It is realistic to set expectations for tantrums - for example, stomping and yelling/crying is okay but hitting or screaming in someone’s face/ear is not. There should also be a time limit on tantrums - for example, "You have five minutes to be mad, but then we are moving on." If they can't get it under wraps in five minutes, then there will be consequences after that. 

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Well... there you have it, my lessons in parenting from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. There is so much more in the book, especially as it relates to older children, school behavior, and other hot-spots that we haven't run into trouble with yet. I will most certainly find myself reading this again in a couple of years. Happy parenting!! ;]