Raising my spirited child...

Yup... This one.

I don't normally do book reviews on this blog - I have a GoodReads.com account for that. However, this book was different and since I took pages of notes while reading it, I thought I might as well put them somewhere where I can refer back to them and where other parents of 'spirited' children (I grin as I say that) can possibly relate. 

This book was recommended to me by our daycare provider and friend... she was reading it and mentioned that during a large part of the book she found herself saying, "That sounds a lot like Addison!" Uh-oh. =] So, since I have been at my wits end with this little munchkin, I hopped on Barnes and Noble, ordered it and have spent the past couple of months reading it. It did take me a while to get through but that was more because of that huge amount of information I was trying to process, not a reflection of the quality of book. I fully intend to read it again in a couple of years, when Addison is older, because I'm sure that I'll need to tweak my approach to just about every aspect of parenting again when we get closer to pre-school and kindergarten (gulp). So, what you are about to read are my note/reflections/musings that I jotted down while reading - this is NOT a summary of the book, you'll have to read it yourself for that. This is, however, how the book applies to my very 'spirited' two and a half year old.

First off, a look at the traits that we see in Addison as they relate to the book...

Addison is extremely extroverted. For her to 'refuel' she needs to feed off of people around her - playing, talking, cuddling, or whatever she can do to be near the people she loves. She (like her mama, the blogger) is an 'over-sharer' of emotions - she doesn't hold anything back and isn't afraid to tell the world when she is happy, excited, disappointed, mad, etc. 

The next trait discussed in the book is intensity. If you have met my child, you know she is very intense - her reactions are super strong, whether they are positive or negative. She's not just happy, she's ecstatic. She's not just upset, she's devastated. Her emotional pendulum swings higher that most of her little friends. She doesn't just cry when she's upset, she explodes. When she's happy, she squeals and screams. She can go from one extreme emotion to the other and back again in a matter of minutes. Sometimes, she gets so upset that she really does need our help calming down - hugs and soothing voices to get her off that 'intense' ledge because the feelings that she is having can make her feel out of control and scared. We have to keep that in mind and instead of getting on her case about being so amped up, we need to help her learn to calm down by teaching her to relax and breathe. If we get irritated or yell, it's just going to send her farther into the 'red zone'. We also need to keep in mind that this kid is full of emotions and that running and playing and being active each day can help her alleviate some of the intensity she's feeling.

The third trait is persistence and I really feel like Addison demonstrates this in certain areas but not across the board. If she wants something - a snack, Bubble Guppies, juice, to play on the slide, whatever it is - she doesn't give up. You don't get to distract this child with alternate activities. Once she has zoned in on something - it's got her full attention. Sometimes, if we fight her on something, even once she gets it she's still upset. For example, she dropped her baby in the car one day and I couldn't reach it while driving. She wailed all the way to the grocery store that she wanted her baby and when we got there and I was able to give it to her - she STILL wailed that she wanted her baby, even though it was in her arms. We need to try and give her a say in certain things - choosing between two healthy snacks, picking out jammies, picking her bedtime story, etc. so she can feel in control of some parts of her day. 

The next trait is sensitivity and I feel like she shows this a lot. Much of the chapter is dedicated to kids who are sensitive to textures and what they wear and THAT part doesn't really apply to Addison (except that she hates tags and socks). However, she is very sensitive to hot and cold - sometimes we think she's just being a pain, but I'm starting to think she really does find that her food or bath water or sweater is too hot and it irritates her. She moves constantly to get comfortable - readjusting blankets, requiring pillows, stuffed animals, etc. to be just right before she can relax. She is a SUPER light sleeper and has been from the very beginning - and disturbance in light or sound and she's wide awake and wondering what's going on. She also tells us that she's hurt - ALL. THE. TIME. It's been driving us nuts but now I'm wondering if she really isn't displaying hyper-sensitivity to how things feel. I know that people would look at me like I was crazy if they saw me try to walk barefoot on concrete because, even if it's smooth, it hurts my feet. I think she may be the same way, things that hurt, really hurt her and she needs reassurance that it's going to be okay.

I think that perceptiveness is definitely one of her strong traits. When she gets focused on something, she completely zones out. We like to joke and call it 'screensaver mode' because she locks in to whatever she is watching/doing and truly doesn't hear or see us trying to get her attention. I could be screaming her name and she wouldn't even flinch. She doesn't like to be distracted from something that she's devoting her attention to - she gets upset when she has to stop an activity that she's enjoying. When we are trying to get her attention and move her from one activity to the next we have to be really careful to get down to her level, make eye contact, and give her precise directions.

Another strong trait is adaptability. Transitions are really hard for her and are the source of most of our meltdowns during the day. Things like mealtime, leaving daycare, stopping a TV show or playing, getting in and out of the car all test her limits and agitate her. She's not really a fan of surprises - it's important to tell her the schedule and stick to it and let her know who will be around. It's also really important to plan time for closure - we're asking for trouble if we just sweep in and expect her to be ready to go - tell her she can finish what she is doing and give her a chance to finish the activity (within reason). The author compared it to being all snuggled in and watching your favorite show and then having someone come in during the middle, turn it off, and tell you it was time to go. I have to admit, I'd be pissy too. It's also important for us to limit the number of transitions where we can (getting in and out of the car, different activities, etc.) to avoid overloading her.

The next trait is one of the first ones we discovered with Addison - irregularity. Since she was born, she has pooped, eaten, and slept according to her own 'schedule' (or lack thereof). She can goes days without pooping, is never hungry at the same time, and picks and chooses that days and times when she is willing to take a nap. Some days it's no nap at all, some days it's 30 minutes, and others it's 3 hours. You just never, ever know with this child.

Energy. Ha. Again... if you've met my daughter, you just know. If you haven't... well... energy is something she has endless amounts of... singing, dancing, running, jumping, squirming, climbing... she can do it all day and not get worn out. I did learn a few things in this chapter that I didn't fully realize... first, she doesn't get 'worn out' because she's not hyper - the energy we're seeing is her personality so she can go at full speed all day. Another is that we need to coach her and teach her how to be calm - how to walk calmly, speak quietly, and play quietly. She needs to learn the social situations when it's okay to play and run but also needs to realize that there are many times when those behaviors are not socially acceptable (classrooms, restaurants, doctors' offices, etc.). 

The final two traits in the book I didn't really feel applied to Addison. The first was 'first reaction' (in terms of new people, activities, or places). Addison is pretty comfortable going out and joining groups, staying in new places, or trying new things - one thing this child does not have is apprehension. The other trait that didn't really apply to her was mood. She can get mad and upset, don't get me wrong - but she isn't sullen or withdrawn when she's being herself. 

Other musings from the text...

It's easy to go overboard creating rules but the more we create the more we have to stick to and enforce. We really need to look at what is going on and ask ourselves the following questions:

- Is it safe?
- Are you respecting others?
- Are you respecting the environment?

If the answer is yes, then it's probably okay. If the answer is no, we need to redirect her.

Use "stop" instead of no. (We've started this and I really think it's helped a lot).

Pick your battles - if she doesn't want to eat, put it away. If she wants a snack later, she gets what is left of her meal. If she wants to eat with her fingers (or pizza with a fork), who care - as long as she's eating it doesn't really matter HOW she's eating.

Consequences need to fit the crime, especially for 2-4 year olds.  If she doesn't eat, she doesn't get any snacks, just her refused meal but don't take away play time or other things (story time) because she won't see the connection. Natural consequences are best - if you don't eat, you get hungry - this makes more sense to kids.

Don't use 'please' or 'okay' when giving a direction unless it's an option. Little kids don't understand the politeness aspect; they think you are really giving them a choice. Make the direction clear and to the point.

Make a point of telling her what she CAN do instead of what she CAN'T do - giving her options will help her comply while still feeling like she has a say and isn't in trouble.

Make eye contact... don't have your discussion until she's willing to make and keep eye contact, even if it means sitting out for a bit.

Transitions are hard for her - give her a heads up she can understand (NOT in minutes) like, 'after this show' or 'after we read this book' so she knows when a change is coming. Extra important when it’s an unexpected transition.

Tantrums for spirited kids are often spill over of building emotions, not just an attention getter. Look closely for the source...

Make a toddler survival kit for outings - wipes, snacks, juice box, crayons, coloring book, etcha sketch, and other quiet activities to take into places where 'spirited' behavior might not be appreciated.

Our tone of voice is important - if she's stressed or amped up, yelling or taking a 'stern' tone may just stress her out more. Talk quietly, but firmly.

Mealtime is a major source of contention in our house...

"You are responsible for the what, when, and where, of feeding. Your child is responsible for the how much, and the whether of eating. If parents provide opportunities throughout the day of healthy, balanced snacks and meals they have done their part - the rest lies on the shoulder of the child." 

We shouldn't over rule her if she says she isn't hungry or doesn't like something. Imagine being set down with someone else’s lunch and told you have to eat every piece whether you like it or not - not a good feeling. Addison has irregularity as one of her strongest traits - she doesn't doing anything according to s a set schedule - it's silly of us to think that she would eat according to one. 

Toddler portions are actually much smaller than we thing - 1/6 of an egg is their "serving" or two tablespoons of meat. We are giving her a lot more than that at each meal so she really is getting the nutrition she needs. 

Food should not be a punishment or a reward. This is a biggie - no food bribery (eat this and you can have desert) or 'you have to eat every bite (or five bites or whatever) because it tells her not to listen to her bodies cues for when she is full which is a huge cause of obesity. Offer a bit of everything and realize that while she may only eat one part of the meal today, she'll eat a different part tomorrow and that it will balance out. 

The two most important questions to ask a child is,” Are you hungry and,”Are you full?" Let them take it from there. 

Make sure the snacks she is getting are balanced - protein, carbs, little fat, and a fruit or veggie so that she doesn't feel constantly hungry. Then offer her a meal when dinnertime rolls around. If she doesn't eat, put it away and let her try again later. If she says she doesn't like something, that's okay. Keep giving it to her but realize that it can take twenty exposures before she decides its ok. Toddlers really typically only eat one good, solid meal a day - the rest of the time they pick and choose. 

It's normal for kids to put food in their mouths and spit it out - don't punish - she's not rejecting, she's experimenting, It's not okay to throw or drop food but if the amount is too large, the texture is new, the temperature is unexpected or any other factor she may need to spit it out.

Socializing...

We need to teach her how to wait and approach a group or activity without jumping in and taking over. We should physically show her how to leave enough space in-between bodies, praise her when she uses an inside voice. She doesn't know what we mean by "quiet voice" but if we catch her in the act she'll understand. 

When she flips out on someone, pull her aside and remind her it's not okay to hit/kick whatever other people and that she needs to use her words. If she’s too upset, pull her aside and make her wait until she calms down but then she needs to go say she's sorry - when she's older she needs to have dialog about what she and the other child were feeling.

Kids have tantrums - it's not realistic to expect them not to. It is realistic to set expectations for tantrums - for example, stomping and yelling/crying is okay but hitting or screaming in someone’s face/ear is not. There should also be a time limit on tantrums - for example, "You have five minutes to be mad, but then we are moving on." If they can't get it under wraps in five minutes, then there will be consequences after that. 

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Well... there you have it, my lessons in parenting from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. There is so much more in the book, especially as it relates to older children, school behavior, and other hot-spots that we haven't run into trouble with yet. I will most certainly find myself reading this again in a couple of years. Happy parenting!! ;]