Stefani's most-fantastical-reads book montage

Crooked Kingdom
Six of Crows
Yellow Brick War
The Wicked Will Rise
Charm & Strange
Their Fractured Light
These Broken Stars
Big Little Lies
I'll Be There
Red Queen

Stefani's favorite books »

Monday, July 30, 2012

Losing 'The One'

A year ago, after a lot of soul searching, we moved Addison out of daycare in Zillah and into a daycare here in Moxee where she would get some preschool experience. It was the perfect set up - a few blocks from our house, Derek could drop her off, I could pick her up and if I had to work late or if she got sick it didn't fall on my shoulders alone to get her home. The move ended up being an amazing one - she came home singing her ABC's and counting, her vocabulary EXPLODED, she learned to play with other kids [sometimes more nicely than others], and, most importantly, she fell in love with Miss Lynn and all her friends.

Today we found out that as of September 1st, Miss Lynn will be closing her doors to go back to college to earn her teaching degree - something she has wanted to do and has been working toward for some time now. She will make the most amazing teacher and I understand that this is her calling. Daycare was something that she chose to do because it enabled her to stay home with her youngest son, who will be entering kindergarten this fall. So, the move makes perfect sense for her and for her family.

For me, however, I have found myself devastated - even more so that I would have anticipated. I've been in tears off and on all night trying to come to terms that in the next month I have to find someone who I can trust and feel confident leaving my babies with. I don't want my kids to go to some house where they watch TV all day and pork out on whatever they want. I want them learning and playing and trying new things. My most treasured possession is a Mother's Day poem [and hand prints] that came home this year. I want my kids to go somewhere where I know they will be loved and appreciated during those hours where I can be with them. Derek keeps telling me to calm down, that things will work out, etc., etc. But what he doesn't grasp is that we are looking for someone to RAISE OUR CHILDREN when we can't be there. That's not something that I take lightly. I want someone who will discipline my strong willed daughter without breaking her spirit, who will drink all of the pretend tea that she makes, and who will let her get soaked with the hose when the occasion calls for it. I want someone who is going to cuddle my son extra close, especially during those first few weeks when he and I are apart - as much for me as for  him. Someone who I can trust to keep them safe and to teach them new things. I don't want someone who will just watch my children, I want someone who will love them and I'm terrified that on this short timetable that I'm not going to find someone that meets my standards. I have two weeks in August before a week-long vacation and then school starts. It doesn't leave much time for interviewing and transitioning and it has my anxiety through the roof.

Please pray that we find someone kind and loving and dedicated who ALSO happens to have the time, energy, and space to take on two new kiddos - one 'spirited' preschooler and one 3-month old. Those two little people mean the entire world to me and I will never be able to relax at work or do my job if I'm not 100% confident they are safe and loved when I can't be around. My heart hurts on this one... :'(

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