It's been an entire year since I sat down with a blank page and cursor in front of me... I wish that my first post back was something positive, something uplifting. I DO have those posts in my drafts folder - they are unfinished and don't have the burning urgency to post that this one does. So they will stay there and the raw, icky reality of life will make its way onto this page instead.
My life has forever been a battle of measuring up. Before I continue let me assure you that I KNOW that this isn't reality, I know that the things I tremble before are NOT the important things in life. Intellectually, I know this. I may know it but I can't make myself believe it lately.
I have been trying to unravel the mess of how I ended up here - how I went from relatively "okay" with life back to a place where I am on a razor-sharp precipice between holding it together and absolute darkness. There isn't one event or circumstance that has landed me here - it's a mess of different little things that have snowballed together. This is my attempt at untangling it all..
Weight. This is probably the most all-consuming thought on my mind. It would appear that five pounds is the difference between sanity and insanity for me. I know that (rationally) it is a small number, that my overall weight is not something to be concerned about... blah. blah. blah. As I said before, knowing and believing are two different concepts completely in my book. My clothes don't fit right. I loathe what I see in the mirror and in pictures. I have never tried to lose weight by doing anything normal. When I have wanted to drop pounds, I starved myself. It was a very simple equation. No food = smaller numbers on the scale. I don't know how to pick just healthy items. I don't know how to moderate my intake anymore. Binge eating is new to me and completely terrifying. When I was in out-patient therapy for my last bought with anorexia I was told to "just eat" and to learn to enjoy food again. That advice worked for a time but now it has come back to bite me in the ass in a completely different way. I can't make portion control work. I want Oreos, especially when I feel like the world is laying its weight on my shoulders. I don't want to go back, I don't want to ever have to deal with my eating disorder like that again. The problem is that I value my weight more than my health. I don't want to. I wish it to be different but it's not.
Parenting. I feel like the ultimate failure as a mother. I watch other people with their kids and I wonder what in the hell I am doing wrong. One child doesn't sleep. Ever. I have had to lock her door at night because she roams the house at all hours of the night, watching Netflix and eating everything in the house. She goes into the garage to search for food and I am terrified she'll find some chemical that wasn't put away properly or eventually, walk right out the front door. She lies. Constantly. She has ADHD that drives me up the wall. She still doesn't sleep through the night without a pull up. My son is nearly 4 and still barely communicates verbally (in human). I can't get him to sit through Sunday school because he refuses to listen to a teacher. He will not potty train. No matter what I do I can't fix these things. I can't find a way to make my kid sleep. She walks around with dark circles under her eyes and is exhausted 98% of the time but I can't make her sleep. I can't even keep her in her room, despite child locks and threats and every incentive system Pinterest has to offer. I can't get my son to talk. There is no amount of coaxing or teaching that will get this child to speak unless he wants to. The exact same problem arises whenever I try to feed him something that doesn't start with "peanut butter and...". We don't eat as a family. I don't cook family meals. Hell, I barely cook. On my days off I spend my time avoiding them, not playing with them because I am so tired and angry and resentful. What kind of mother feels that way about her kids?? I love them with every fiber of my being... and yet I want to lock myself in my bedroom and hid under the covers whenever I am home alone with them.
Work. I can't go into detail about this lest someone file a complaint about it. It's safe to say I could write pages on this topic.
Faith. This season of my life is one of isolation. I feel alone even when I am in a room with the people I love most. My prayer life feels repetitive and empty. I am constantly "doing my homework" in my devotions, not yearning for the knowledge and connection to Christ that I felt six months ago.
I have lost my joy. I have lost who I know I am and who I know I can be. I have been sucked back to this void, this darkness where I can't feel anything anymore.
I know it is temporary. I know this is just a bumpy patch. I know that I will look back on this at some indeterminate time in the future and see the lesson that I learned or some person strength that I acquired. I have been through the dark before and come out the other side but being in the midst is painful, its scary, and it is so very lonely.