Stefani's most-fantastical-reads book montage

Crooked Kingdom
Six of Crows
Yellow Brick War
The Wicked Will Rise
Charm & Strange
Their Fractured Light
These Broken Stars
Big Little Lies
I'll Be There
Red Queen

Stefani's favorite books »

Saturday, July 30, 2011

eff. em. ell.

It's been a long day,
And all I've got to say is make it strong.
It's been a long day,
And all I've got to say is I've been wrong.
So take a leave of absence,
Tell me you'll be gone,
I don't want to see your face.

It's been a long day,
And I just want to hide away. 

I've reached my limit. My boiling point. Capacity. I simply have zero room left in my life for pain, for drama, and for the stress that has consumed me in the past six months. Each time something new has happened I have told myself, "this too shall pass" and "keep calm and carry on"... I have repeated the serenity prayer a thousand times... but EVERY time I think it's gotten as bad as it can get, that I will break under the weight of a grain of sand... there is something else.

I have poured myself into the people in my life, given every ounce of myself - to my students, to my family, to my friends, to my child - that it seems now there is nothing left for me. I am drained. No matter where I am, I feel like I'm in the wrong place. When I'm at home I feel like I'm neglecting my parents. When I'm with my parents, I feel like I'm neglecting my daughter and my husband. I'm stuck in the middle... and each time, I have 150 miles to think about who I'm leaving behind. I need to recharge. I need something that is just for me. Selfish? No, I think I'm about due for a break.

I've tried to cope. To deal. To survive. I've done stupid things to try and fill that gaping hole- spending... pills... denial... but it feels like that hole is just going to swallow me up everyday. And some days, I wish it would so I could just disappear and be done hurting. It seems like it's my job to be positive for everyone else... but there's nobody left to be positive for me.

If I didn't have Derek and Addison here waiting for me each day, I don't know if I would have made it this far. I've given up thinking that there is an end in sight to all of the pain. I miss the normalcy of life before all this - being happy and content. I'm actually anxious to go back to work so that I have some consistency, something I can rely on.

No, I'm not suicidal. Yes, I think I probably am depressed. But honestly, do you blame me? I'm just at the point where I don't care what anyone says or thinks - I needed to vent this. Although the people who I wish would read this the most, probably never will. Most of you are complete strangers, and you know more about how I feel than a lot of the people I love the most.

It's exhausting... and I'm tired... I just want my life back. That's all.

Madness falls like raindrops,
Rage boils up from below,
Pain wraps her arms around me,
Her embrace is all I know.


  1. This was beautiful...painful and raw, but really beautiful, Stefani. You are so authentic with how you feel and who you are. Im glad that you are in a better place right now (with the new bubs on the way), but this brought me to tears. <3 you!


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