Stefani's most-fantastical-reads book montage

Crooked Kingdom
Six of Crows
Yellow Brick War
The Wicked Will Rise
Charm & Strange
Their Fractured Light
These Broken Stars
Big Little Lies
I'll Be There
Red Queen

Stefani's favorite books »

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I guess this is where I'm supposed to put on my "big girl pants" and deal...

But I don't want to... Let me preface this entire post by saying that I know NOTHING for sure, that by nature I freak out (enhanced dramatically by pregnancy hormones), and that I have a habit of obsessing about the worst possible scenario. I have my reasons, it has served me well - you can't be surprised or let down when you have prepared yourself for the worst... So with all that in mind, here we go...

I have worked in this school district for 5 years. 1 as a tutor, 2 as a parapro, and now 2 as a teacher - I have climbed the ladder and landed exactly where I always wanted to be - teaching middle school language arts. This is one of the most desired districts in the area and I know I'm lucky to be here. All that being said, I am still a "provisional" teacher - one who has less than two years teaching experience. This state's budget is currently screwed up sixteen ways to Sunday and one of the options our district is looking at for cuts is removing provisional teachers. I have known that this possibility was real since Christmas and it has been talked about a lot in the last few weeks but this morning I received an email that made it even more terrifying. There are 7 provisional employees in our district - I am the one with the most experience of the 7. Tomorrow I have a meeting with the superintendent to discuss "the possibilities" that exist with different budget scenarios. In the email that I received today, it specifically says that the district can "non renew" any provisional employee without having to give reason. Okay, fine. But it also says that the district can "cherry pick" the ones they want to keep - seniority and endorsements don't have to play a role, which I had assumed they would. In-between hysterical crying fits, I have been trying to write down all my questions but I have a very hard time imagining myself being able to actually ask these questions without losing my composure. How do you ask someone why they don't want YOU anymore? Especially when deep down, you have that little voice telling you that spilling the beans about being pregnant was a mistake - that if nobody knew, at least I couldn't wonder if that is playing into their decision. I don't know what will come out of that meeting, if anything... I don't know what the state budget will look like, and I don't know if I will have a job in the fall...

In all of this panic and uncertainty, I am left wondering how - without a job, benefits, any certainty at all - will we be able to take care of this tiny little person we will be bringing into the world. We cannot pay our bills on Derek's salary alone - bottom line, it isn't possible. And that's just our bills now - when the baby comes I can't even imagine how much they will increase. I'm not on Derek's insurance because we were trying to save money, so if I lose my job I have to (if I'm allowed) pick up and pay the premiums because I'll be due a month AFTER I get canned. That could be $300+ a month! Unemployment is a possibility but it won't pay for enough. I took out disability insurance so that when we did get pregnant my salary would be protected - I've been paying in $100 each month and if I lose my job, I also lose the $900 in premiums that I've paid. I'm sick (literally) just thinking about it - I know that everyone says there is never a "good" time to have a baby but I want to be able to provide anything this kid needs and right now I feel like I can't even promise to know how we are going to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads. I'm scared and now that Derek is beginning to worry it seems more real. He is always the one to keep my feet on the ground and make sure that I don't freak out too much. Today he wrote a letter to the editor and didn't have a lot of encouraging words when I talked to him. I think he is finally realizing that we really have no control over this and that it is a very real possibility that we are going to be in a serious bind this fall. Obviously I'm saving every penny I can, am paying off all the excess bills, and getting everything in order, but that won't save us for long. I guess I need to quit venting here and go prepare my list of questions... keep your fingers crossed that the state gets it's head out of it's ass and realizes that cutting education is the stupidest thing they could do... I'll write more when I know more...

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