I wasn't going to write this but after reading another stressed out preggie's blog, I have changed my mind. I am in a funk and it's been nagging at me for the last couple of weeks. I try really hard to not say anything because I feel like I'm already a drag on everyone's time and energy by being on bed rest and that complaining about yet ANOTHER thing, would be pushing my family to the limit. But here I go, bitching away...
I'm stranded on this couch for another 3 weeks. I realize that some people have been on strict bed rest for months and I should be thankful that I can leave the house and have some (tiny) semblance of a life. I am grateful but I'm still miserable. I hate feeling helpless. I can't stand that I need help to get out of the tub or off the couch or that I can't carry things into the house or clean up a mess that's driving me insane. I HATE that I have to ask someone else and rely on someone else to do those things. And to add insult to injury, my body won't let me do anything without complaining - I'm sure it's the weight gain, but just walking up stairs to the doctor's office is painful, my joints hurt all the time, and I can't catch my breath just walking to the car. I want my body back - I want to be able to pick things up, to mow the lawn, prune my roses, wash my effing car that has spray paint on it, and most of all - put away all the stuff in my living room from the baby showers. But instead, I sit on the couch, uncomfortable and knowing that I can't do any of those things and that if I want them done - I have to ask Derek to do them. How long can you be an invalid before people start to resent you? I'm scared that if I have a c-section and this dependency continues for six weeks after Addison gets here - Derek will be sick of me. :(
I feel like pregnancy has made my life everyone elses business and concern and that people think that because I can't lift or cook or clean, I must have also lost my ability to think and make decisions. Everyone seems to have an opinion on EVERY decision I try to make and it's exhausting trying to defend myself all the time. I know I should just let them say their piece and know that I'll do what's right for me but I feel a little bullied sometimes. I can't count how many people have tried to tell me how I should feel about bed rest or the possibility of having a c-section. They assume that they know my reasons for not wanting one and try to comfort me and then I have to explain that no, I'm not a chicken about surgery or recovery, it means something totally different to me. I can't count how many times I've had that conversation.
I don't know that there was a purpose to this post, I just feel like if I don't say it somewhere, I'll either break down like I did this afternoon or explode. I finally understand why people always say they're "done" being pregnant - they're exhausted, uncomfortable, and ready to start the next chapter of their lives. Months 6 and 7 were fantastic, I LOVED being pregnant and I felt great. Month 8 is proving to be much, much, much harder and I can only imagine what month 9 has in store for us... if we get that far. I'm ready for this little baby to be here so I can start being a mom and feel like I'm actually worth something again. Shit, here come the waterworks again... I know this is all hormonal and irrational so I'm going to bed and hoping that eight hours of sleep will make things look sunnier in the morning.
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