Keeping it together...

... is harder than it looks.

I've never dealt well with stress - I have anxiety induced obsessive-compulsive disorder. The more stressed and anxious I get, the worse my OCD is. Usually it manifests in worrying about locking up the house or car when I leave or thinking that I left the straightening iron on and turning around mid-way to work to come home and check. Throughout my life the object of my OCD has changed - as a teenager I focused on what and when I ate (which was incredibly unhealthy), in college I was constantly obsessing over different "projects" that totally consumed my life - planning the wedding, researching finding my birth parents, and any number of art or scrap booking projects that could keep me busy. After I got married that focus shifted to organizing and cleaning - when I'm tense or stressed, my house ends up being incredibly clean. It doesn't sound all that bad until you realize that I can't stop to eat or shower or do anything (other than take care of Addison) until it's done. If that means I don't get a meal until dinner because cleaning and caring for the baby have taken up my whole day, then I don't eat until dinner. I know it's unhealthy and I really do try to make sure I balance things but the more stressed I get, the worse off I am.

This morning I got up with Addison, fed and changed her, rocked her to sleep and then put her in the swing. I've been cleaning house ever since. Now that the place is spotless and the laundry is done. I feel like purging my thoughts on here might help...

So... now that you have the backstory... I'm worried sick (literally) about Addison and her tummy troubles. I always obsess over the worst possible scenario and laying in bed last night I was picturing the worst. I can't even put into words how badly I want her to be healthy and happy all through her life - I would give up anything to make that happen and the thought of something medical being wrong and me not being able to fix it is more than I can handle. I know that we have to wait and see if these meds help and that there could be a million un-scary causes of her constipation, but like I said, I'm a worst case scenario kind of girl...

My other source of massive stress revolves around going back to work in two weeks. I have always liked teaching - I love my grade level, my co-workers are great, and (most) of my students are awesome. I have fun at work and I *think* once I go back and get into the swing of things I'll like it again. But right now, being home with Addison is all I want. It goes against every instinct I have to be away from her for an hour, let alone all day. There is no way for us to afford it - I can't stay home. We have worked so hard to pay off all our credit card bills and debts and I know that we'd have to rack it up again if I wanted to take off the rest of the year, so it's not an option. Not only am I freaked out about leaving Addison, I'm freaked out because I have to start the year in December - I haven't met my students, I don't know what's been covered so far, I don't know where or how to start and when I start thinking of everything I need to do to get ready my heart starts to race. I usually work for the whole month of August preparing and getting everything perfect - I'll have three days at most to get ready before going back. THREE DAYS!!!??

Derek tells me just to take it one day at a time (isn't that the AA motto?) and not to worry about things that I can't control and I do try - I'm just not very good at it. Addison is waking up so I'm going to cut this short... just say a little prayer for us if you are the praying type, we could use a little help around here...