Stefani's most-fantastical-reads book montage

Crooked Kingdom
Six of Crows
Yellow Brick War
The Wicked Will Rise
Charm & Strange
Their Fractured Light
These Broken Stars
Big Little Lies
I'll Be There
Red Queen

Stefani's favorite books »

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I am a wimp.

Let's face it people, if the fate of the world rested upon my uterus and my ability to procreate, we'd be goners. Allow me to explain...

I have been in "false labor" for four days. I think that is a laughable term because the only thing "false" about it is the fact that I have yet to produce a kid. I have contractions that feel like some combination of meat hooks in my back pulling me apart and a 2 x 4 beating me repeatedly in the stomach, my entire digestive track is in upheaval (but I shall spare you the gory details), and now I have lost the ability to sleep. Last night I had an intense contraction every 45 minutes and they lasted about 5 minutes each time. During my 40ish minute break I tried (and tried, and tried) to fall asleep but every time I got comfortable and close to nodding off I was seized by another mind numbing contraction. So, I think if I were to add it up, I got somewhere in the ballpark of 90 minutes of sleep last night and spent HOURS writhing in pain, trying not to wake my slumbering husband. Each time I contracted, I got up, tried to pee and then spent 10 minutes, standing half naked in the bathroom, hands on the counter, swaying back and forth trying to convince myself that I ain't seen nothing yet and I should go back to bed and get over it. It must have been an awful sight to behold. I am lucky that there are no cliffs or tall buildings in our bathroom because I seriously believe that at 4:30am today, I would have considered jumping.

So, my point (yes, I do have one) is that if this is how bravely I react to "false labor" how in the HELL am I going to deal with the real thing?? I've always known I had a low pain tolerance but this is ridiculous. The nurse at the hospital said to come back when I felt like I needed drugs. I felt like I needed drugs last night and I KNOW I'm not in true labor. So, if the world succumbs to massive destruction or disease and I am the last woman standing, please don't look to my uterus to save the human race.

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