Tears in Heaven...

Baby,

It has been twenty days since you went to heaven... the longest twenty days of my life. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was in love with you. You were the answer to my prayers for our family. I know you were a boy... I dreamt of you the night you went away and I knew that you were my son. Your daddy would have been so happy - a little, rough and tumble boy to play sports with and teach all his "boy" hobbies to. Your sister would have been enamored by you - she would have been your best friend and you would have loved her. She's funny, and energetic, and silly, and loves everyone with her whole heart. She would have been your biggest fan. Your grandpa Jeff would have been thrilled... he always teases me that Addison's name means "Add a Son" and when I told your grandma and grandpa that I was pregnant with you, that was one of the first things he said. Our whole family was so excited for you to be a part of our lives.

Now, I have to accept the fact that I won't feel you move inside my belly, I won't be the first to hold you when you come into this world, I won't get to feel you snuggle with me as you nurse, I won't get to cheer you on as you learn to roll, crawl, pull up, walk, talk, and grow into your own special person. I won't get those moments with you and that breaks this mother's heart.  You would have been the best Christmas present I could have asked for.

I know that it wasn't time for you to come in to the world and that now you are up in heaven and that someday I will get to meet the child who would have been mine. But I'm scared that you won't know me - that the sound of my voice won't calm you, that the sight of my face won't make you light up, that I could search all of heaven and not be able to find you. So, baby, please - know that when I get to heaven, I will be looking for your face and anxious to hold you in my arms for the first time. I love you and I wish that I had been given the chance to show you just how much. I wish that my body you have kept you safe and here with us. I'm sorry that wasn't able to do that for you and I will carry that sorrow with me for the rest of my life. I love you baby... don't ever forget that.

~ Mommy

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Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please  

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven