I've been getting that question a lot lately... and I don't know how to answer it. I know that people are asking to show their concern after the events of this week... I know that they mean well and that they want to help and that social protocol dictates that when someone goes through something awful, you ask them how they are doing. I always say the same thing - "I'm okay." or "I'm hanging in there." or some variation of that...
If I were to answer honestly, how would they react? If I said, "I feel like part of my soul has died." would they still smile and nod?
If I explained that I get light headed and feel like I am going to pass out every time I go pee and see the blood, would that be TMI? Yeah, probably. But those are the things I'm thinking when people ask...
Do I tell them that I have to take my maximum dose of anxiety meds just to get to sleep and even then that sleep is filled with dreams of babies I can't save, blood I can't stop, and tears?
Do I tell them that I'm afraid to let myself cry again because I feel like if the flood gates open, I may never get them closed?
Do I tell them that a student asked me today when I was going to have another baby and I considered walking out of my classroom because it felt like my heart seized in my chest?
Do I tell them that I feel like the walking dead most of the time? Going through the motions but not really feeling anything... is that what they want to hear?
Do I tell them that there is a shadow hanging over the whole idea of Mother's Day this weekend... despite the perfect child I have and love, I know I'll also be thinking about the child that could have been...
Or do I continue to lie, to placate everyone and say that "I'm fine."?
Do I continue to smile and nod when they tell me it "just wasn't meant to be" or that it was "God's will."?
Because I'm not fine, I'm not okay. I may smile and nod and carry on a normal conversation with you - but I'm not okay. Not yet.
Am I thankful that I have people in my life who care enough to ask? Absolutely. I'm even more thankful for the ones who are able to call 'bullshit' when I tell them everything is okay.
Stephanie,
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband passed away I got so tired of people saying "if you need anything let me know" one day someone asked me and I said sure you can pay my rent, they looked at me like I was crazy. People would ask me also how I was doing, well let see, my husband is dead, I can't afford heat, I am losing my house, I am selling off my stuff to survive, Yeah I think I am doing friggin dandy. The reality is people don't know what to say. I have learned that the easiest thing for me to say now is that I know I can't do what you would like for me to do, I can turn back time, I can't fix what is broken, and I can't find what is lost. I can listen or set with you in silence, or hand you tissues when you want to cry. My husband has been gone for almost 4 years, every Memorial Day has a horrible meaning to me. For the longest time I kept thinking he was trying to teach me a lesson and he would be walking back in the door any minute, I still dream that he is gone in his truck and just hasn't called me and I can't seem to dial the phone to call him, the numbers get mixed up. I just want you to understand that I understand. His death changed me both for the good and the bad, but I hope I learned compassion. I also take anxiety medication at night and sometimes I need it just to get thru the day so I want you to know that if you run out I will share....someday I hope we can share the rest of the story.
Remember how I said the best thing I could think of to say was "sh**, sh**, sh**?" I stand by my comment. Thinking of you and I won't ask how you're doing but know that I am thinking it and also the previously mentioned phrase, "sh**, sh**, sh**". xoxo
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