tomorrow is my appointment with Dr. H to "discuss" the miscarriage. I've been dreading this appointment since the day it was scheduled. I put off my lab work a week, I didn't call for the results, and I have refused to acknowledge that this is really happening until today... Really, what is there to discuss? I was pregnant, something went wrong, and then I was not pregnant. If I put it in those exact words, I can make it through the days and put one foot in front of the other. If I have to actually, really, honestly, talk about it though - I lose it. I break down into a sobbing mess of tears and snot and hiccups and I become incapable of any coherent thought or speech. So how in the hell am I supposed to walk into Dr. H's office tomorrow, ALONE, and "discuss" what happened and what, if anything, is next?? How do I do that without a hand to hold, without someone to rub my back, or hold me in the car afterwards when the shit really hits the fan and the reality of it all sets in? How do I walk out of that office, through the crowd of anxious pregnant women, waiting to find out if it's a boy or a girl, with tears streaming down my face, ALONE? Of all of the things that I do not want to do alone in this life - this appointment has to be right at the top of the list. Right up there with dying and being really, truly lost in the woods. I remember the appointment where I was told, in not so gentle terms, that I shouldn't set my hopes on having a child of my own. I was alone then too. I sobbed silently in the elevator with the cute pregnant couple and walked to my car. That was as far as I could get - I had never cried like that, like I had lost everything (until the day I miscarried... that put a lot in perspective). I reached the point where I just gripped the steering wheel and screamed at the top of my lungs. The drive home was treacherous - I was sobbing and more than once considered just letting go of the steering wheel and letting fate take over. Derek isn't going tomorrow. He doesn't have enough sick leave. Not even an hour to spare because of how much we have all been sick this year. Does he know how much this appointment is freaking me out? No, probably not. Why, you ask. Well, because I can't talk to him about any of it... he knew I was pregnant for all of four days and the loss didn't hit him that hard. My grief over this doesn't make sense to him. It makes it hard to show someone how badly you are hurting when they don't think it's nearly as awful as you do. He is capable of "not getting attached" and "not getting his hopes up" whereas I am obviously not. My mom isn't here. My best friend lives an hour away and can't be here. I don't have anyone to hold my hand through this... so I am going to be praying for a lot of "virtual" hand holding tomorrow at 2:30... because that's all I'm going to get. I'm sure I'll be posting again soon to let you all know how it went...
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