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Stefani's most-fantastical-reads book montage

Crooked Kingdom
Six of Crows
Yellow Brick War
The Wicked Will Rise
Charm & Strange
Their Fractured Light
These Broken Stars
NOS4A2
NOS4A2
Big Little Lies
I'll Be There
Red Queen


Stefani's favorite books »

Monday, May 16, 2011

96 hours...

I realize that spending 127 hours with your arm crushed under a boulder in the middle of the desert, dying of dehydration, and being forced to amputate your own arm makes for a much more intense story... but the result of my 96 hours has left me with an invisible amputation. I may still have all of my limbs in-tact, but I understand the how amputees can feel pain in their "ghost" limbs, even after the procedure is done. 

I have ghost pains of my own.

I think what makes this whole miscarriage so difficult to bare is that there is no physical scar, no missing limb, no visible bruise to validate the amount of pain I feel. I look just the same on the outside as I did before - but my insides feel like they have been torn apart and left to mend themselves. I would almost rather have some physical deformity that served as a reminder of the loss I suffered. Everyone else in my life has gone back to living their normal lives, my husband included, and I feel like I'm in limbo - I'm not supposed to be suffering from this anymore but I'm not healed yet either. I feel like I am the only one who thinks about it every other second of the day, who has woken up more than once and, for a second, forgotten the miscarriage and found my hand on my belly.

I'm haunted by pain.

2 comments:

  1. Becky Steelsmith JaneczkoMay 18, 2011 at 3:26 PM

    Stefani, thanks for sharing your struggles in coming to terms with the miscarriage. I suffered one Friday and reading your blog has helped me start the process of grieving. Though it feels like it, you're definitely not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, Becky, I'm so sorry. I know there aren't words that make the pain any less but I'm here if you ever need or want to talk about it. Hang in there. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete

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