Stefani's most-fantastical-reads book montage

Crooked Kingdom
Six of Crows
Yellow Brick War
The Wicked Will Rise
Charm & Strange
Their Fractured Light
These Broken Stars
Big Little Lies
I'll Be There
Red Queen

Stefani's favorite books »

Monday, May 16, 2011

96 hours...

I realize that spending 127 hours with your arm crushed under a boulder in the middle of the desert, dying of dehydration, and being forced to amputate your own arm makes for a much more intense story... but the result of my 96 hours has left me with an invisible amputation. I may still have all of my limbs in-tact, but I understand the how amputees can feel pain in their "ghost" limbs, even after the procedure is done. 

I have ghost pains of my own.

I think what makes this whole miscarriage so difficult to bare is that there is no physical scar, no missing limb, no visible bruise to validate the amount of pain I feel. I look just the same on the outside as I did before - but my insides feel like they have been torn apart and left to mend themselves. I would almost rather have some physical deformity that served as a reminder of the loss I suffered. Everyone else in my life has gone back to living their normal lives, my husband included, and I feel like I'm in limbo - I'm not supposed to be suffering from this anymore but I'm not healed yet either. I feel like I am the only one who thinks about it every other second of the day, who has woken up more than once and, for a second, forgotten the miscarriage and found my hand on my belly.

I'm haunted by pain.


  1. Becky Steelsmith JaneczkoMay 18, 2011 at 3:26 PM

    Stefani, thanks for sharing your struggles in coming to terms with the miscarriage. I suffered one Friday and reading your blog has helped me start the process of grieving. Though it feels like it, you're definitely not alone.

  2. Oh, Becky, I'm so sorry. I know there aren't words that make the pain any less but I'm here if you ever need or want to talk about it. Hang in there. ((hugs))


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