I don't know which is worse...

... death or nonexistence.

I had a miscarriage this morning. I had a miscarriage this morning? I had a miscarriage this morning.

I can type the words but I still can't say them out loud without feeling like my soul is being ripped from my body. Okay, maybe that's a lie - I can't even type them with out my heart breaking in two but at least no one is here to watch me fall apart when I'm typing. 

Yesterday, I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. Today, I am not. Yesterday, I was laughing with a friend about how miserable my last pregnancy was and how as long as I didn't get the PUPPS rash again, I'd be happy. I guess I was lying. I'd take the rash a thousand times, because it didn't come close to this type of pain. 

I hadn't even really announced it yet - I kept telling myself that was because I wanted to wait until the blood work was in, I wanted to know that everything was fine... I think that deep down, when I really thought about it, I already knew. It took almost an entire extra week to get a positive pregnancy test and I had spotting that entire week. I told myself that lots of people spotted early in pregnancy and it wasn't that big of a deal. So, when it went away - I patted myself on the back and felt like I could tell a few close friends and family.

I got to be pregnant and happy for less than a week. Last night, I started spotting again - but this time it was red blood, not brown. We called the doctor and she told us to come in first thing in the morning for an ultrasound and to 'take it easy' for the night... like that could ever happen. 

I woke up this morning from a nightmare in a cold sweat. In my dream, there had been some awful accident and there was blood everywhere. I start to get my bearings when I realize that I'm holding something small in my hands. It's my son. He's dying in my hands and I can't stop it - he's so small and there is so much blood and I can't save him. My son. Dead before he ever lived. 

I didn't want to get out of bed after I woke up - because I knew that my dream was right and that I wouldn't like what I found when I got out of bed. There was a lot of blood. We went to the ER and in the same place where I had stood, dripping wet after my water broke, shaking because this was IT and I was having a baby... I stood, dripping blood, crying because I was losing my baby. The did blood work and an ultrasound. My quantum level was 38. It should have been near 1,000 by now. My uterus is empty. I was pregnant and now I'm not. 

I have been leaking tears all day... with occasional bouts of near hysteria in the middle - when I had to tell my mom, when the doctor called to check on me, when I saw the pregnancy book on my nightstand. I understand the reasons why - something wasn't right and 1 out of 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. But now I'm part of this new group of women - who share something that I never wanted to share... the understanding that there is a type of pain that words cannot describe, and that no-one, unless she has been there herself, can even come close to comprehending.

I don't know where we go from here. Right now, I feel like I never want to chance this again - that I'm done. But a few days ago, I would have told you that nothing could compare to the feeling of knowing that I was giving Addison something that I have always wanted and never been able to have - a sibling. So, I won't make any decisions today. Or any promises. 

I didn't even have time to get these on to the computer until today... but I am not going to sit by and pretend that this pregnancy didn't happen. We lost a family member today that we never got the chance to meet... 

Baby Tweedy... Known and Loved 4/30 - 5/4