Stefani's most-fantastical-reads book montage

Crooked Kingdom
Six of Crows
Yellow Brick War
The Wicked Will Rise
Charm & Strange
Their Fractured Light
These Broken Stars
Big Little Lies
I'll Be There
Red Queen

Stefani's favorite books »

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I don't know which is worse...

... death or nonexistence.

I had a miscarriage this morning. I had a miscarriage this morning? I had a miscarriage this morning.

I can type the words but I still can't say them out loud without feeling like my soul is being ripped from my body. Okay, maybe that's a lie - I can't even type them with out my heart breaking in two but at least no one is here to watch me fall apart when I'm typing. 

Yesterday, I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. Today, I am not. Yesterday, I was laughing with a friend about how miserable my last pregnancy was and how as long as I didn't get the PUPPS rash again, I'd be happy. I guess I was lying. I'd take the rash a thousand times, because it didn't come close to this type of pain. 

I hadn't even really announced it yet - I kept telling myself that was because I wanted to wait until the blood work was in, I wanted to know that everything was fine... I think that deep down, when I really thought about it, I already knew. It took almost an entire extra week to get a positive pregnancy test and I had spotting that entire week. I told myself that lots of people spotted early in pregnancy and it wasn't that big of a deal. So, when it went away - I patted myself on the back and felt like I could tell a few close friends and family.

I got to be pregnant and happy for less than a week. Last night, I started spotting again - but this time it was red blood, not brown. We called the doctor and she told us to come in first thing in the morning for an ultrasound and to 'take it easy' for the night... like that could ever happen. 

I woke up this morning from a nightmare in a cold sweat. In my dream, there had been some awful accident and there was blood everywhere. I start to get my bearings when I realize that I'm holding something small in my hands. It's my son. He's dying in my hands and I can't stop it - he's so small and there is so much blood and I can't save him. My son. Dead before he ever lived. 
I didn't want to get out of bed after I woke up - because I knew that my dream was right and that I wouldn't like what I found when I got out of bed. There was a lot of blood. We went to the ER and in the same place where I had stood, dripping wet after my water broke, shaking because this was IT and I was having a baby... I stood, dripping blood, crying because I was losing my baby. The did blood work and an ultrasound. My quantum level was 38. It should have been near 1,000 by now. My uterus is empty. I was pregnant and now I'm not. 

I have been leaking tears all day... with occasional bouts of near hysteria in the middle - when I had to tell my mom, when the doctor called to check on me, when I saw the pregnancy book on my nightstand. I understand the reasons why - something wasn't right and 1 out of 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. But now I'm part of this new group of women - who share something that I never wanted to share... the understanding that there is a type of pain that words cannot describe, and that no-one, unless she has been there herself, can even come close to comprehending.

I don't know where we go from here. Right now, I feel like I never want to chance this again - that I'm done. But a few days ago, I would have told you that nothing could compare to the feeling of knowing that I was giving Addison something that I have always wanted and never been able to have - a sibling. So, I won't make any decisions today. Or any promises. 

I didn't even have time to get these on to the computer until today... but I am not going to sit by and pretend that this pregnancy didn't happen. We lost a family member today that we never got the chance to meet... 

Baby Tweedy... Known and Loved 4/30 - 5/4


  1. Oh Stephanie I am so sorry, I don't know how to ease your pain, I am not going to give you all the reasons it might have happened because that doesn't ease the pain of it happening. My daughter has miscarried as many times as she has given birth. Its hard, its difficult and doesn't make sense, In the year we have lived next door to you I have grown to love having you as a neighbor, I know I cannot give you what you need right now, no one can but I am thinking about you and praying for you. Jan

  2. I'll say a prayer for you. Your sweet baby girl is wearing that shirt for a reason, it'll come in due time. Give her a kiss and be thankful for such a beautiful gift.

  3. i'm so sorry stefani--this post just broke my heart. it hurts and is absolutely awful.....i hate this!

  4. Stefani- I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Life just sucks sometimes. I feel your pain so much. One year ago, I went this very same thing. You can read about it on my blog if you would like. http://keelyarnold.blogspot.com/2010/04/mothers-love.html
    All I can say is that I am so truly sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!

  5. So sorry for your loss. I know all too well how painful that is :( Big hugs and prayers are being sent your way!

  6. I am just catching up on blogs & I am so sorry for your loss. I know that I can't take away your pain but I will keep you guys in my thoughts & prayers.

  7. I stumbled across your blog because I was looking for tattoo ideas to symbolise the bond between mother and child and yours appeared in my search. But after reading your blog, I felt a connection - particularly to this post and the name. I have to say you are a very wise, brave and inspirational woman. Stay strong and know that prayers are being said for you and all your family from a stranger on the otherside of the world.

  8. You wrote all of that so very well. I've had 3 miscarriages followed by 3 pregnancies. It hurts every time - but thankfully I don't think about them too much anymore. Until I read something fabulous, like this!


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