Another post where I complain about how cruel life is...

they are becoming quite frequent posts, no? The way I see it is you're either here reading this because you love me and genuinely care about the struggles in my life or your a cyber-lurker who just reads and never speaks up. If your not, than you can click on another link because this is most likely going to be another session of me venting to the world about how the universe must hate me and how I have it harder than anyone else [that was dripping with sarcasm - yes, I am aware that things could be infinitely worse]. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, allow me to blog...

We have established that I am not pregnant. You can read back over the last month's worth of posts to clarify if you have been MIA. Was pregnant, not now. We met with the doctor last week and were told that based on my blood work and having had a successful pregnancy before, that we can go ahead and try to conceive after I have a full cycle. [TMI ALERT] My period is due any day and I could very realistically be looking at trying to conceive again mid-month. Derek and I have discussed it, and I am going to do the whole barrage of osteopathic remedies again - acupuncture, herbs, etc., which helped me get pregnant with Addison. I want another baby. I know that [remember back a few weeks, I was questioning this...]. I want another baby NOW. I know that you aren't supposed to dive into a pregnancy to fix things but I feel like the only way to heal the gigantic hole in my heart is to get pregnant and have a baby. I know that probably isn't logical - but until I can do that, this miscarriage is going to haunt me.

When I was pregnant, two other women in my life were pregnant as well - one is a friend and one is a family member. We were all due within weeks of each other, and one of them had her son on the same day that I had Addison. Both of those women are pregnant right now. One is half way there, one just found out. I am thrilled for them and for their families, but I would be a liar to say that it doesn't hurt. I don't understand why what I want so badly is so hard for me to have when it comes easily to other people... I don't understand why I had to deal with YEARS of infertility, a complication wrought pregnancy, a miscarriage - why I had to go through ALL of that to have a family. When is it my turn to catch a break? I'm also terrified to set my hopes on getting pregnant right away - I feel like it will make all of these awful feelings go away, but what if it doesn't work. What if I have to deal with the pain of the miscarriage heaped on top of another bout of infertility? That, I don't think I can handle. We'll try a few more times but if it doesn't happen by winter, I don't know if my heart can survive breaking any more.