Just breathe...

I usually don’t write about this kind of stuff because I know that occasionally I get a random blog visit from a student or parent and I don’t want to put too much of myself out there in cyberspace. That being said, writing is my way of dealing, and I hope that I can be forgiven for being human in this instance and needing to express all the craziness that is going on inside my brain.

I’m stressed out to the max. The problem is I don’t really know what is causing it. I work well under pressure – being a working mom isn’t too much for me; I actually enjoy the balance between the two. I love my job (most of the time) and I like being at work. It allows me to feel like I’ve really accomplished something important during the day. I absolutely adore being a mom. As soon as I walk out the door at 3pm, I forget about my work life and turn back into Addison’s mommy. So, I know that it isn’t my job that is causing this... Addison’s health problems are under control (her tummy seems to be sorting itself out and her reflux isn’t as bad) and she is generally a happy, loving, fun baby... so that isn’t it. Derek and I are doing great – we have adjusted to this whole parenting thing much better than I expected. We both have our ‘jobs’ and we approach parenting like everything else in our life – as a team. Those are the things that would be the stressors in most people lives – work, parenting, marriage. Not for me.

The thing that is keeping me up at night, stressing me out, and wrecking all sorts of havoc in my life right now is how fast Addison is growing up... I know it sounds silly to most people – growing up is part of life. It’s just that I really thought I’d have more time before she was rolling around, eating solid foods, and thinking about crawling. It feels like this part of my life is speeding by and all I can do is hold on for dear life. On Friday, Derek texted me to tell me that she was rolling over (just like laughing out loud, she only does her ‘firsts’ for her daddy) and then last night we plopped her in the high chair and she tried rice cereal for the first time. It was so fun and so exciting but at the same time so sad to me that she’s already at that point. I had to pack up her 0 – 3 clothes the other day and it brought tears to my eyes. Plus, I know that very shortly she’ll quit nursing and that scares me more than anything else. Since the moment she was conceived, she has depended on me for her most basic needs – food and protection being at the top of the list. I feel like as long as she’s still nursing, we still have a special connection, a bond, that she NEEDS me for something and when that stops... ah, I can’t even think of it. I’m so scared of her not needing me anymore. I know that sounds selfish but I can’t help it...

So, when things in my life spin out of control, I panic. I’m a control freak and I hate this feeling of free falling through space... I have anxiety induced obsessive compulsive disorder (it took a lot of therapy to earn that big title...). Basically, it means when I get stressed out, I deal by finding things I can control. Usually it’s manageable and the only side effect is an incredibly clean house. These last few weeks, however, have been worse. I’ve been insane about cleaning – it’s like spring cleaning every couple of weeks in our house. I got up last night to put the last of the milk in the fridge before we went to bed and I found myself wiping down the counters and lining up things in the fridge. Ugh. My other two naughty control behaviors are shopping – for anything, and eating (more specifically, not eating). I’ve been shopping like a madwoman since Christmas – clothes, Sephora, diapers.com, itunes, you name it, and I’m shopping there. I racked up over $400 in January alone... thankfully, I’ve had the cash to support my habit but I need to be saving, not spending! Last, but not least, is my food issues. I struggled with eating disorders in high school and college – I’ve had body image issues all my life. I don’t starve myself and I don’t puke but I get stressed out and I can’t make myself eat more than a meal a day. I think it’s half of the reason I lost the pregnancy weight so fast... I didn’t mind it when I was trying to rid myself of the 50 pounds I gained during pregnancy but now it just keeps falling off... I know it isn’t healthy but I can’t stop...

It hit me like a ton of bricks last night – as I was cleaning the house for the third time since Friday. I can’t slow time down; I can’t make Addison stay tiny for very long. She’s going to grow up, she’s going to think I’m totally uncool (which, in reality, is very true), she’s going to go to school, move out, get married, and live her own life... she won’t always be this tiny little person and that scares me. Now I get why some people have five kids... I’m not ready to be done with this stage yet, even though she is. I never knew that being a mom would mean this much to me...

I know this is the most random post ever but I really needed to get it all out – I tried to explain it to Derek last night as I was lying in his arms crying but I just couldn’t put it into words for him. I just laid there and thought instead about the dog hair that needed to be vacuumed out of the back of the CR-V... ::sigh::