Stefani's most-fantastical-reads book montage

Crooked Kingdom
Six of Crows
Yellow Brick War
The Wicked Will Rise
Charm & Strange
Their Fractured Light
These Broken Stars
Big Little Lies
I'll Be There
Red Queen

Stefani's favorite books »

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

It's not okay...

Do people who are going crazy know they are going crazy before they've gone crazy or is that just part of going crazy?

I got an email from a blogger friend that asked something like, "How are things going?" and as I sat down to key out the words, "Great, and you?" I started bawling.

Seriously. Something is wrong.

I'm a mess lately. I can't name it and I can't explain how it feels or what's causing it and that is frustrating me beyond belief. I'm panicky - I worry constantly about Addison being safe, about something happening to her, about the week in March where I'll be home alone with her because Derek will be on a work trip, about a car hitting us on our drive in the morning, about SIDS, about something happening at daycare, at her being kidnapped, about EVERY POSSIBLE THING that could happen - and it's exhausting. I have these horrid scenes playing through my head where something happens to her and I can't save her or protect her. I panic in the car that somehow I left the house/store/school without her and I have to reach back into her car seat and physically touch her to make sure she's there.

I'm irritable... like raging BITCH irritable, not just cranky. I try so hard to keep a lid on it because I know I'm being irrational but I want to scream most of the time. I'm pissed that the house is a mess, that I have more bills than money, that Derek is addicted to a stupid online game, that my parents are leaving the country again for the whole summer, that I have to go back to school AGAIN, that my husband has the audacity to think sex is on my 'to do list', hell, I'm even pissed at myself for being pissed. How productive is that???

I'm anxious all the time and it leaves me doing stupid, repetitive things instead of getting productive things done. I lock doors. Again. and again. and again. I clean counter tops. Over and over again. My mind races to the point that I feel like I can't even understand my own thoughts. I get stupid, repetitive phrases or song stuck in my head and I can't get them out. I just repeat it over, and over, and over in my head. I want to cry and I don't even have a reason.

It just feels like I've been juggling all these different things and now I've got so many balls going in the air that something is sure to fall to the ground and shatter... I don't know how else to explain it. It's like living on the edge of a razor blade. I'm so busy being a stressed out mess that I'm losing sleep, weight, and my sanity. Seriously, I'm at the end of my rope.

The only time I have felt sane and happy in the last few weeks has been when I'm curled up with Addison in the chair at night waiting for her to go to sleep. That's my 'happy place'... everything else is my scary place.


  1. I'm so sorry that you're going through this hun. It sounds terrible. As mother's we seem to always think of the worst case scenario in order to keep our babies safe, but your situation seems a bit extreme. If you would like to talk off the blog about what's bothering you you could email me at eclipsed823@aol.com Hang in there sweetie.

    Oh and I can't find the place on your blog where I can follow it. Is it not there or am I just being a dope?

  2. So sorry you're feeling this way!! I think you need to call your doc. It sounds like it could be PPD (it can show up as late as 4-6 months pp). Getting some meds for a little while may help you cope. Hang in there!

  3. I hate that you are in such a tough & scary place & I don't mean this offensivly but have you talked to your doctor about how you are feeling? I don't pretend to understand what you are going through but my wonderful, loving & caring hubby has issues with his mind racing, stress, & depression & I know that it is very draining & tough on him so if you need a shoulder or need to vent I will listen......lance.mitzig@yahoo.com is my email & sometimes talking it out helps my hubby!

    I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers & just know that God blessed you with a wonderful husband & little girl for you to enjoy them as well as protect them :)

  4. I'm going to have to agree with whoever Rsgrl is, Post-pardum is real and many women experience it, including me with each of my kiddos. I think you need to go to the doctor ASAP and get some help. I had to take meds for it because I felt the same emotional stressors and anger that you are feeling and the meds helped. You won't have to be on them for long most likely just until your hormones go back to normal. PPD is one of the most commonly undiagnosed disorders in women because as women we feel we should be able to handle it all by ourselves, so go to the doctor because undiagnosed it can be dangerous. As for sex, that feeling won't go away for a while probably because you're always going to be tired and he's never going to understand, I feel your pain and hope this helps. Any questions you know how to get a hold of Ryan and I, I can always look back in my psychology books for you to help you out if you need!!!

  5. Stef, I've felt just like you at times. It was really overwhelming for me in the beginning. I talked with my dr. about it and she gave me some medicine to help with the anxiety. I didn't take it at first because I was embarrassed. Once I started to, things got so much better. I don't really like the idea of taking meds so I talked with her about gradually lowering the doses and we've been doing that. Please know that SO many people go through this and you're not alone!!! I admire you for speaking out about it. I never did. Well, until now. Thinking about you!! Sending love your way.


Total Pageviews