Do people who are going crazy know they are going crazy before they've gone crazy or is that just part of going crazy?
I got an email from a blogger friend that asked something like, "How are things going?" and as I sat down to key out the words, "Great, and you?" I started bawling.
Seriously. Something is wrong.
I'm a mess lately. I can't name it and I can't explain how it feels or what's causing it and that is frustrating me beyond belief. I'm panicky - I worry constantly about Addison being safe, about something happening to her, about the week in March where I'll be home alone with her because Derek will be on a work trip, about a car hitting us on our drive in the morning, about SIDS, about something happening at daycare, at her being kidnapped, about EVERY POSSIBLE THING that could happen - and it's exhausting. I have these horrid scenes playing through my head where something happens to her and I can't save her or protect her. I panic in the car that somehow I left the house/store/school without her and I have to reach back into her car seat and physically touch her to make sure she's there.
I'm irritable... like raging BITCH irritable, not just cranky. I try so hard to keep a lid on it because I know I'm being irrational but I want to scream most of the time. I'm pissed that the house is a mess, that I have more bills than money, that Derek is addicted to a stupid online game, that my parents are leaving the country again for the whole summer, that I have to go back to school AGAIN, that my husband has the audacity to think sex is on my 'to do list', hell, I'm even pissed at myself for being pissed. How productive is that???
I'm anxious all the time and it leaves me doing stupid, repetitive things instead of getting productive things done. I lock doors. Again. and again. and again. I clean counter tops. Over and over again. My mind races to the point that I feel like I can't even understand my own thoughts. I get stupid, repetitive phrases or song stuck in my head and I can't get them out. I just repeat it over, and over, and over in my head. I want to cry and I don't even have a reason.
It just feels like I've been juggling all these different things and now I've got so many balls going in the air that something is sure to fall to the ground and shatter... I don't know how else to explain it. It's like living on the edge of a razor blade. I'm so busy being a stressed out mess that I'm losing sleep, weight, and my sanity. Seriously, I'm at the end of my rope.
The only time I have felt sane and happy in the last few weeks has been when I'm curled up with Addison in the chair at night waiting for her to go to sleep. That's my 'happy place'... everything else is my scary place.