Stefani's most-fantastical-reads book montage

Crooked Kingdom
Six of Crows
Yellow Brick War
The Wicked Will Rise
Charm & Strange
Their Fractured Light
These Broken Stars
Big Little Lies
I'll Be There
Red Queen

Stefani's favorite books »

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Mirror, mirror...

I've always had issues with body image... but this is ridiculous.

The day I found out I was pregnant I weighed 117 pounds. Nine months later, on the day Cohen was born, I weighed in at 159 pounds. I should be happy because that is 15 pounds less than I gained with Addison. I didn't document my postpartum weight loss with Addison but I do [vividly] remember that at her baptism [one month postpartum]I crammed myself into some pre-pregnancy slacks and had to leave them unzipped and unbuttoned. After the baptism, one of my relatives came up and congratulated me on 'almost having my figure back'. I know that she meant well but it was like a dagger in my heart. I don't want to hear that I look good 'considering I just had a baby' or all of the other things people say when they don't know how to address the fact that I'm no longer pregnant but also not nearly back to my normal self.

Three weeks after having Cohen I am weighing in at 139 pounds. I am trying to figure out how to lose this weight the healthy way. When I look in the mirror I am disgusted. I hate the image that is looking back at me. I won't lie - the thought of carving the fat off my body with a kitchen knife has crossed my mind. When I go jogging I can feel the flab bouncing around, when I look in the mirror all I see is fat, my clothes don't fit - in short, I am disgusted with myself. I know that severe calorie reduction isn't an option because I'm nursing but that has always been my go to method. I've started jogging [just this week] and am going to add in more exercises this week but so far the scale hasn't budged. I want it gone. NOW.

I hate that I'm writing this post and that I'm having these thoughts because the one thing I never want to pass on to my daughter is my obsession with the scale. I know that my self-esteem shouldn't be tied to the numbers on the scale, but it is. I know that I should say that as long as I'm healthy that is all that matters, but it's not true. I starved myself for years to stay thin and it's something that I don't want to battle again but those are the thoughts that creep into my mind at times like this. I don't want to be a bad example for my children. I want to be fit and healthy and THIN. I want to fit back into my favorite jeans. I don't want to tear up when I turn sideways and look in the mirror.

I am getting rid of this weight. Starting now. 

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