I did manage to accomplish ONE thing so far today... I found and booked a pediatrician. This is no small feat considering most pediatric practices in our area are not taking new patients and I don't trust my family doctor as far as I can throw him (yet I still go there... hmmmm.) so I'm happy to say that we have a doctor for baby Addison and I have an appointment with her on August 5th to meet her and pick her brain.
Now, if I could just get off my butt and either shower or make lunch I'd be doing alright today...
Monday, June 22, 2009
I'm too fat to do yardwork...
::sigh::
I have a list. If you know me, you know that I LIVE by lists and that being able to accomplish something and cross it off is on par with getting sparkly gifts for no reason at all. My summer was supposed to be about accomplishing the grand "to do" list. I was going to break it up, work on a project a week, and then ::presto change-o:: by the end of summer - all of my projects would be done and I'd be ready for baby to arrive. My lofty goal this week was to tear out two shrubs in the front flowerbed that I HATE and get that area ready for some replacements and to organize the garage. I started plucking these shrubs last week but realized they were more deeply rooted than I had originally thought and pawned off the chore on Derek. He pulled and sprayed them and all that was left (in theory) was to dig out the root ball and pull the remaining stragglers. So, I went for my walk, worked out, cleaned our bedroom and bathroom (Derek has demanded that I start cleaning one room a day instead of going for my marathon cleaning on Fridays because I get so worn out), watched Regis and Kelly and then headed out to tackle these two, supposedly dead, harmless plants. Fifteen minutes later I knew I was in trouble. I *think* I got one root ball out but only after heaving and pulling, loosing my grip and toppling over backwards. Then, I tried to get up to move to the other bush and realized that with my screwy center of gravity and nothing to grab onto - I was going to have a helluva time getting up. I'm sure the neighbors across the street were amused but after some grunting and rocking, I managed to get myself back onto my feet. I stood and stared at the second bush for a while and then, defeated, headed into the house. On the way, I stopped to look around the garage - which was going to be my master project for the week - and realized that I can no longer move the things that need to be moved in order to clean. So, I'm 0 for 2 already and it's not even noon. I'm starting to see that my bigger projects may not happen or I'll have to bribe Derek to do them (he has his own, even bigger list he's already working on) for me...
I have a list. If you know me, you know that I LIVE by lists and that being able to accomplish something and cross it off is on par with getting sparkly gifts for no reason at all. My summer was supposed to be about accomplishing the grand "to do" list. I was going to break it up, work on a project a week, and then ::presto change-o:: by the end of summer - all of my projects would be done and I'd be ready for baby to arrive. My lofty goal this week was to tear out two shrubs in the front flowerbed that I HATE and get that area ready for some replacements and to organize the garage. I started plucking these shrubs last week but realized they were more deeply rooted than I had originally thought and pawned off the chore on Derek. He pulled and sprayed them and all that was left (in theory) was to dig out the root ball and pull the remaining stragglers. So, I went for my walk, worked out, cleaned our bedroom and bathroom (Derek has demanded that I start cleaning one room a day instead of going for my marathon cleaning on Fridays because I get so worn out), watched Regis and Kelly and then headed out to tackle these two, supposedly dead, harmless plants. Fifteen minutes later I knew I was in trouble. I *think* I got one root ball out but only after heaving and pulling, loosing my grip and toppling over backwards. Then, I tried to get up to move to the other bush and realized that with my screwy center of gravity and nothing to grab onto - I was going to have a helluva time getting up. I'm sure the neighbors across the street were amused but after some grunting and rocking, I managed to get myself back onto my feet. I stood and stared at the second bush for a while and then, defeated, headed into the house. On the way, I stopped to look around the garage - which was going to be my master project for the week - and realized that I can no longer move the things that need to be moved in order to clean. So, I'm 0 for 2 already and it's not even noon. I'm starting to see that my bigger projects may not happen or I'll have to bribe Derek to do them (he has his own, even bigger list he's already working on) for me...
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Buckle up kids... this could be a long one...
For the past 8 hours Derek and I have been sitting in very uncomfortable chairs learning all there is to know about childbirth. I figured this was one of those times where it would be good to sit down, write out what I'm thinking, and get it all out... My jumbled thoughts may not make complete sense to anyone not currently residing in my brain but the purpose of this blog is simply to process all the information that is rattling around in my cranium...
I doubt it comes as a surprise that labor and delivery are weighing heavily on my mind lately. We have somewhere in the ballpark of 13 weeks to go and I really don't have a "plan" in my mind of how I'd like things to happen. Obviously I want to have a safe, short labor and deliver a healthy baby but there is a lot more that goes into it... I have never claimed to be brave enough or strong enough to want a natural birth. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't handle pain well - I throw up, I pass out, I panic... it's ugly. So, from the beginning, I have wanted pain medication. My problem has come in choosing that particular form of medication. The first "level" of pain meds that are offered are given through an I.V. and are narcotics. I've had enough narcotics in my life to know that they make me feel woozy, sick to my tummy, sleepy, and they really don't do anything to help me deal with pain. Add to that the fact that they make the baby woozy too and you can't have them during the hour before you deliver and it makes narcotics easy to cross off the list. The next step (and the one I wanted all along) is a "walking epidural". It's still a spinal, but it's a lower dose and you can walk and move around during labor. You still have some sensation and feeling but it's cut WAY back. The problem is, after talking with my doctor, that they wear off and sometimes don't work properly so our hospital doesn't do them. That leaves a full epidural as my last option. It would numb me pretty much completely but I would be confined to the bed, on my back, hooked up to a whole host of machines and wires - a blood pressure cuff, oxygen monitor, catheter, uterine monitor, fetal monitor... the list goes on. All of that weighs into my decision but the thing that worries me the most is the feeling of being helpless and paralyzed in the bed. I have anxiety issues (big ones) and I can't imagine feeling okay with the idea that I'm totally at the mercy of strangers (other than Derek) while I'm so vulnerable and exposed. That thought horrifies me almost as much as the idea of natural birth...
Continuing on with horrifying ideas... the idea of having a c-section is the scariest complication about childbirth. With my malformed uterus the chances of baby staying breech or transverse are pretty high. At my last appointment, Dr. H told me that as we got down to the wire we would do an ultrasound to check baby's position. If she's head down, then we're good to go for a vaginal delivery... which is my goal. But if she stays in her current position then we schedule a c-section. I know that there are a lot of scary reasons to have a c-section and that having a scheduled one isn't nearly as bad as some things that could go wrong but I still really, REALLY don't want one. It's not even the fact that it's major surgery - I get that and I understand that I'll be sore and that there are a whole list of complications to go along with it, but that isn't what bothers me about the procedure. It's the idea that my first act of motherhood is something that I am unable to do. It screams "failure" to me. All through high school and college I imagined having kids and secretly prayed for a c-section delivery so I could escape the uncomfortable and unattractive aspects of labor. But now that I'm married and pregnant I want that experience more than anything. I want to feel contractions, to work through it with Derek and have his support, I was us to drive to the hospital on an unexpected day, and I want him to hold my hand as I push her out and bring her into the world - there is nothing I want more than to have that experience. I feel like anything less than that would be cheating me out of my rite of passage into motherhood.
Somehow, if I survive all that - I have the whole idea of postpartum depression... I've dealt with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager and I know that I'm susceptible to have trouble with postpartum. I went off my antidepressants just before getting pregnant and things have gone okay so far but I worry that with stress, lack of sleep, and a brand new baby to take care of that I might get overwhelmed and have to go back onto the meds. I don't have a problem with the meds but I worry that I'll wait too long to go on them and that the first few months of motherhood will be clouded by depression.
I have thought about so much of this - laying awake at night going over every possibility - and I realize that much of it is out of my control and my struggles will be more in responding to these things rather than choosing them. Pregnancy and the idea of birth are so new and unlike anything else I have ever experience and for much of it, I feel like I don't really have anyone who I can confide in who has been through it and understands the fear and apprehension that goes along with so much of it. Derek is the best support person I could ask for and I know that in the end he won't let anything bad happen to me but I hate going into it with so many unknowns. It may not sound like it, but I really do feel more prepared after taking this class and I have a list of things that I need to discuss at my next appointment. Now that I have sprewed all that onto my blog - I'm going to try to make something good for dinner, watch a few episodes of Weeds, and get some sleep... maybe tomorrow I'll have all the answers.
I doubt it comes as a surprise that labor and delivery are weighing heavily on my mind lately. We have somewhere in the ballpark of 13 weeks to go and I really don't have a "plan" in my mind of how I'd like things to happen. Obviously I want to have a safe, short labor and deliver a healthy baby but there is a lot more that goes into it... I have never claimed to be brave enough or strong enough to want a natural birth. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't handle pain well - I throw up, I pass out, I panic... it's ugly. So, from the beginning, I have wanted pain medication. My problem has come in choosing that particular form of medication. The first "level" of pain meds that are offered are given through an I.V. and are narcotics. I've had enough narcotics in my life to know that they make me feel woozy, sick to my tummy, sleepy, and they really don't do anything to help me deal with pain. Add to that the fact that they make the baby woozy too and you can't have them during the hour before you deliver and it makes narcotics easy to cross off the list. The next step (and the one I wanted all along) is a "walking epidural". It's still a spinal, but it's a lower dose and you can walk and move around during labor. You still have some sensation and feeling but it's cut WAY back. The problem is, after talking with my doctor, that they wear off and sometimes don't work properly so our hospital doesn't do them. That leaves a full epidural as my last option. It would numb me pretty much completely but I would be confined to the bed, on my back, hooked up to a whole host of machines and wires - a blood pressure cuff, oxygen monitor, catheter, uterine monitor, fetal monitor... the list goes on. All of that weighs into my decision but the thing that worries me the most is the feeling of being helpless and paralyzed in the bed. I have anxiety issues (big ones) and I can't imagine feeling okay with the idea that I'm totally at the mercy of strangers (other than Derek) while I'm so vulnerable and exposed. That thought horrifies me almost as much as the idea of natural birth...
Continuing on with horrifying ideas... the idea of having a c-section is the scariest complication about childbirth. With my malformed uterus the chances of baby staying breech or transverse are pretty high. At my last appointment, Dr. H told me that as we got down to the wire we would do an ultrasound to check baby's position. If she's head down, then we're good to go for a vaginal delivery... which is my goal. But if she stays in her current position then we schedule a c-section. I know that there are a lot of scary reasons to have a c-section and that having a scheduled one isn't nearly as bad as some things that could go wrong but I still really, REALLY don't want one. It's not even the fact that it's major surgery - I get that and I understand that I'll be sore and that there are a whole list of complications to go along with it, but that isn't what bothers me about the procedure. It's the idea that my first act of motherhood is something that I am unable to do. It screams "failure" to me. All through high school and college I imagined having kids and secretly prayed for a c-section delivery so I could escape the uncomfortable and unattractive aspects of labor. But now that I'm married and pregnant I want that experience more than anything. I want to feel contractions, to work through it with Derek and have his support, I was us to drive to the hospital on an unexpected day, and I want him to hold my hand as I push her out and bring her into the world - there is nothing I want more than to have that experience. I feel like anything less than that would be cheating me out of my rite of passage into motherhood.
Somehow, if I survive all that - I have the whole idea of postpartum depression... I've dealt with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager and I know that I'm susceptible to have trouble with postpartum. I went off my antidepressants just before getting pregnant and things have gone okay so far but I worry that with stress, lack of sleep, and a brand new baby to take care of that I might get overwhelmed and have to go back onto the meds. I don't have a problem with the meds but I worry that I'll wait too long to go on them and that the first few months of motherhood will be clouded by depression.
I have thought about so much of this - laying awake at night going over every possibility - and I realize that much of it is out of my control and my struggles will be more in responding to these things rather than choosing them. Pregnancy and the idea of birth are so new and unlike anything else I have ever experience and for much of it, I feel like I don't really have anyone who I can confide in who has been through it and understands the fear and apprehension that goes along with so much of it. Derek is the best support person I could ask for and I know that in the end he won't let anything bad happen to me but I hate going into it with so many unknowns. It may not sound like it, but I really do feel more prepared after taking this class and I have a list of things that I need to discuss at my next appointment. Now that I have sprewed all that onto my blog - I'm going to try to make something good for dinner, watch a few episodes of Weeds, and get some sleep... maybe tomorrow I'll have all the answers.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
26 Weeks...
This is my new hair color/cut... I was talking when Derek took the picture so sorry for the goofy smirk...
How far along? 26 weeksMaternity clothes? Yes
Stretch marks? Still none, not that I want any... but I do have enough cellulite to keep my butt warm for the next decade... ::pouts::
Sleep: I got my snoogle pillow and I LOVE IT!!! We were out of town for a week so sleep was hit and miss but the last two nights at home have been great...
Best moment this week: Celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary in Seattle...
Movement: Every day and every night... she's getting way stronger!
Food cravings: Reeses Peanut Butter Cups...
Gender: GIRL!!
Labor Signs: None
What I miss: Eating whatever I want and not gaining weight...
What I am looking forward to: Finishing some of the biggies on our big to do list...
Weekly Wisdom: EXERCISE.
Movement: Every day and every night... she's getting way stronger!
Food cravings: Reeses Peanut Butter Cups...
Gender: GIRL!!
Labor Signs: None
What I miss: Eating whatever I want and not gaining weight...
What I am looking forward to: Finishing some of the biggies on our big to do list...
Weekly Wisdom: EXERCISE.
Milestones: Double digits!!! Only 98 days to go!
Skyla rushed in to give me a belly kiss at the last second... :)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
School's out for summer!!
And not a moment too soon... Tomorrow I'm going in to work for a half day and then it's my intention to stay out of the school until mid-August... I need a break so badly and I could never actually finish anything there because every time I start a new project, it opens up a million new things to do!! So - tomorrow is it... Yay!!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Wait... what??
I had my monthly check-up today and all is good. Addison's heartbeat was 152 and I was measuring right on schedule. I did, however, get a raised eyebrow from the nurse at my 5 pound weight gain this month... I'm doing the best I can - it's not like I'm eating cake and cheeseburgers everyday (not EVERY day :) Oh well... skinny nurse can kiss my cellulite-riddled ass.
I had a point to this blog and it wasn't actually about weight...
My doctor told me to come back in a month for my check-up (on Derek's birthday:) but then after that I go back in 3 weeks, then 2, then weekly!! I can't believe how fast this is going - it's amazing (and kind of scary...). Every once in while it sinks in that in a few short months (three!!) we're going to be parents!!
I had a point to this blog and it wasn't actually about weight...
My doctor told me to come back in a month for my check-up (on Derek's birthday:) but then after that I go back in 3 weeks, then 2, then weekly!! I can't believe how fast this is going - it's amazing (and kind of scary...). Every once in while it sinks in that in a few short months (three!!) we're going to be parents!!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Pregnancy + Swimsuit = Low Self-Esteem
But even though I dreaded (there isn't a strong enough word) putting on that damn swimsuit today, once I was in the water (and out of the wind) I did feel quite sea-creature-like. That's not to say that there weren't a few "AH!" moments along the way - changing in a public locker room when your gut sticks out so far that you can't see you own toes is not a good way to start the morning... but I made it to the pool and once I got in and got moving it actually felt pretty good. We did our little aerobics routine for about an hour (I added to the workout by fighting with my ill-fitting swimsuit the whole time) and when we hauled our butts out of the pool, I really did feel like I actually got a workout. I have to go 12 more times to make the $59 price tag worth it, but as the weather gets nicer and as summer drags on with nothing fun for me to do - I doubt that'll be a problem.
Now I need a snack... :p
Now I need a snack... :p
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I'd like an IV with a side of cherry popsicle, please...
Yesterday started out crappy - I must have turned my alarm off in my sleep because 20 minutes after I was supposed to be up, Derek woke me and I hurried off to the shower. I felt sick but I thought it was because I went from a dead slumber to a million miles an hour in 3.2 seconds but as the day wore on I started feeling worse and worse. I called for a sub just before lunch and headed home, praying that I wouldn't puke all over myself before I got there. I walked in the door, set my stuff down, changed clothes, walked into the bathroom... and puked my guts out. Afterwards, I tried sipping on some water but that all came back up too. My fever wasn't horrific, only 100.5, but I felt like crap. I tried to sleep it off but when Derek got home he insisted I take some Tylenol for the fever and try to drink some Gatorade... I kept it down for about 15 minutes but then it all came back up. So, got our stuff and headed to Memorial (I had called earlier and they said if I couldn't keep liquids down, I needed to come in). We got there around 6pm and got set up in a room. They hooked me up to a fetal monitor and a uterine monitor and we listened to Addison rockin' and rollin' around - obviously not please with the state of my uterus. I think she was hot and thirsty and having something clamped down on her really pissed her off. It took about two hours to get hooked up to an IV, we got there just after shift change and apparently 6 women had come in all at once and all of them were in labor. Once they got the IV in, the nurse fed me a Popsicle (she's my hero for that small gesture) and left me to absorb the meds and fluids. I drained that bag and since I really didn't have to pee, she decided to hook me up to another bag. I drained that one too... and still didn't have to pee. Apparently, I was a tad dehydrated. At 11pm, she unhooked me and sent us home. We were both thankful because neither one of us was very comfortable - the hospital bed almost killed my back and Derek couldn't lay out on the couch because he's too long... I slept until about 11am this morning and so far, I'm feeling better. I've been drinking my Gatorade and had some toast and so far (fingers crossed) it's all stayed down. There is never a dull moment in this house... that's for sure.
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