Another post where I complain about how cruel life is...

they are becoming quite frequent posts, no? The way I see it is you're either here reading this because you love me and genuinely care about the struggles in my life or your a cyber-lurker who just reads and never speaks up. If your not, than you can click on another link because this is most likely going to be another session of me venting to the world about how the universe must hate me and how I have it harder than anyone else [that was dripping with sarcasm - yes, I am aware that things could be infinitely worse]. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, allow me to blog...

We have established that I am not pregnant. You can read back over the last month's worth of posts to clarify if you have been MIA. Was pregnant, not now. We met with the doctor last week and were told that based on my blood work and having had a successful pregnancy before, that we can go ahead and try to conceive after I have a full cycle. [TMI ALERT] My period is due any day and I could very realistically be looking at trying to conceive again mid-month. Derek and I have discussed it, and I am going to do the whole barrage of osteopathic remedies again - acupuncture, herbs, etc., which helped me get pregnant with Addison. I want another baby. I know that [remember back a few weeks, I was questioning this...]. I want another baby NOW. I know that you aren't supposed to dive into a pregnancy to fix things but I feel like the only way to heal the gigantic hole in my heart is to get pregnant and have a baby. I know that probably isn't logical - but until I can do that, this miscarriage is going to haunt me.

When I was pregnant, two other women in my life were pregnant as well - one is a friend and one is a family member. We were all due within weeks of each other, and one of them had her son on the same day that I had Addison. Both of those women are pregnant right now. One is half way there, one just found out. I am thrilled for them and for their families, but I would be a liar to say that it doesn't hurt. I don't understand why what I want so badly is so hard for me to have when it comes easily to other people... I don't understand why I had to deal with YEARS of infertility, a complication wrought pregnancy, a miscarriage - why I had to go through ALL of that to have a family. When is it my turn to catch a break? I'm also terrified to set my hopes on getting pregnant right away - I feel like it will make all of these awful feelings go away, but what if it doesn't work. What if I have to deal with the pain of the miscarriage heaped on top of another bout of infertility? That, I don't think I can handle. We'll try a few more times but if it doesn't happen by winter, I don't know if my heart can survive breaking any more.

21 Months... almost.

Your three favorite friends for bedtime... blankie, bear, and doggy.

Addison,

I haven't written you a letter in a while now - you keep me too busy running around to sit down and write out a real, coherent thought. You are almost 21 months... at the end of this summer, you'll be two. I can't wrap my mind around how fast life has gone by since you arrived. Every time I turn around, you've grown or learned something new. Tonight you didn't want to go to sleep. I was holding you, and baby bear, and your 'juice' [which, by the way is really water, but I don't have the heart to tell you] and you were crying. I asked you if you wanted to go 'night-night' and you shook your head 'no'. So we sat down in the rocker and cuddled for a little bit and you were hanging on to bear and playing with my hair. While we sat there, I thought about all of the things you are able to do now that amaze me.

You run, and climb [on everything], you try to carry five things at once, you dance, and talk, and love to splash in the bath. You hate having your teeth brushed and the only veggies I can get you to eat are still baby food. You are obsessed with cheese, 'juice', and shoes - although you refuse to wear them. You have 12 teeth (and I think one on the way... but we'll see) and the curliest hair ever - perfect little ringlets all over. Recently, you have developed the strange habit of picking your nose and offering your boogs to whoever is close by. It's gross, but cute at the same time... silly girl. You have pooped in the potty twice so far and peed once and I'm excited to start potty training for real once I'm home with you this summer. I think you're excited too... because if your diaper gets too wet at night, you strip off your jammies, take off your diaper [throw it across the room], and sleep naked... often resulting in a wet bed and cold baby. You do have a mind of your own and it's landed you in time-out twice so far... once for throwing a cup at me and once for smacking me in the forehead. You REALLY don't like time-outs or getting in trouble... but you are also a little drama queen and like to play up the tears and quivering lips. I won't tell you now, but it's so hard not to give in and let you have your way. Those big, blue eyes of yours go right to your momma's heart...

It amazes me every day that something so beautiful and perfect is a part of my life - I love you so much. Never forget that. I love you peanut, more than life.

~ Mommy

Your Words:
more, juice, cheese, please, shoes, out, up, mommy [you call EVERYBODY that], potty, poo, no-no [finger wagging included], owl, light, night-night, lyla [Skyla], kitty, nose, mine, dog, outside, go, thank you, coat, bye-bye, Abby, bear, baby, ear, boots...

Your Favorite Things To Do:
take off your shoes, dance, play in your princess castle, play with rocks, go for walks, chase Skyla, climb, tub time, taking your ear plugs out, go down slides, unpack Grandma and Grandpa Tweedy's cupboards, go grocery shopping

Your Favorite Foods:
cheese, strawberry milk, pretzels, yogurt bites, chicken nuggets with ketchup, fish sticks with tarter sauce, nutra-grain bars [strawberry], noodles... all noodles, M&M's [when you go potty]

Your Favorite Things:
baby bear, blankie, doggy, Skyla, mommy's cell phone, mommy's laptop

Your Least Favorite Things:
carseats, diaper changes, earplugs, swings, shoes on your feet

Mommy's Favorite Moments:
pulling up at daycare and seeing you squeal and smile at me, any time I get hugs and kisses, watching you sleep, seeing you play with daddy, playing under the covers with you, dancing with you

Daddy's Favorite Moments:
tossing you on the bed and hearing you laugh, teaching you new words, playing in your castle with you, snuggles before bedtime

Miss Invisible...

There's a girl
Who sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something just hiding
And she can't find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry

Tears in Heaven...

Baby,

It has been twenty days since you went to heaven... the longest twenty days of my life. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was in love with you. You were the answer to my prayers for our family. I know you were a boy... I dreamt of you the night you went away and I knew that you were my son. Your daddy would have been so happy - a little, rough and tumble boy to play sports with and teach all his "boy" hobbies to. Your sister would have been enamored by you - she would have been your best friend and you would have loved her. She's funny, and energetic, and silly, and loves everyone with her whole heart. She would have been your biggest fan. Your grandpa Jeff would have been thrilled... he always teases me that Addison's name means "Add a Son" and when I told your grandma and grandpa that I was pregnant with you, that was one of the first things he said. Our whole family was so excited for you to be a part of our lives.

Now, I have to accept the fact that I won't feel you move inside my belly, I won't be the first to hold you when you come into this world, I won't get to feel you snuggle with me as you nurse, I won't get to cheer you on as you learn to roll, crawl, pull up, walk, talk, and grow into your own special person. I won't get those moments with you and that breaks this mother's heart.  You would have been the best Christmas present I could have asked for.

I know that it wasn't time for you to come in to the world and that now you are up in heaven and that someday I will get to meet the child who would have been mine. But I'm scared that you won't know me - that the sound of my voice won't calm you, that the sight of my face won't make you light up, that I could search all of heaven and not be able to find you. So, baby, please - know that when I get to heaven, I will be looking for your face and anxious to hold you in my arms for the first time. I love you and I wish that I had been given the chance to show you just how much. I wish that my body you have kept you safe and here with us. I'm sorry that wasn't able to do that for you and I will carry that sorrow with me for the rest of my life. I love you baby... don't ever forget that.

~ Mommy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please  

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

The only words that have given me comfort...

came from someone who had also experienced a miscarriage after having a successful pregnancy...

"After you lose that baby, you look at Addison and you realize that SHE is what you lost - another baby that could have been as perfect as she was."

That is what hurts the most... is that Derek and I created a child - one that I could have love and adored as much as Addison, and that baby is gone.

Anticipation of the worst Monday in the history of Mondays...

tomorrow is my appointment with Dr. H to "discuss" the miscarriage. I've been dreading this appointment since the day it was scheduled. I put off my lab work a week, I didn't call for the results, and I have refused to acknowledge that this is really happening until today... Really, what is there to discuss? I was pregnant, something went wrong, and then I was not pregnant. If I put it in those exact words, I can make it through the days and put one foot in front of the other. If I have to actually, really, honestly, talk about it though - I lose it. I break down into a sobbing mess of tears and snot and hiccups and I become incapable of any coherent thought or speech. So how in the hell am I supposed to walk into Dr. H's office tomorrow, ALONE, and "discuss" what happened and what, if anything, is next?? How do I do that without a hand to hold, without someone to rub my back, or hold me in the car afterwards when the shit really hits the fan and the reality of it all sets in? How do I walk out of that office, through the crowd of anxious pregnant women, waiting to find out if it's a boy or a girl, with tears streaming down my face, ALONE? Of all of the things that I do not want to do alone in this life - this appointment has to be right at the top of the list. Right up there with dying and being really, truly lost in the woods. I remember the appointment where I was told, in not so gentle terms, that I shouldn't set my hopes on having a child of my own. I was alone then too. I sobbed silently in the elevator with the cute pregnant couple and walked to my car. That was as far as I could get - I had never cried like that, like I had lost everything (until the day I miscarried... that put a lot in perspective). I reached the point where I just gripped the steering wheel and screamed at the top of my lungs. The drive home was treacherous - I was sobbing and more than once considered just letting go of the steering wheel and letting fate take over. Derek isn't going tomorrow. He doesn't have enough sick leave. Not even an hour to spare because of how much we have all been sick this year. Does he know how much this appointment is freaking me out? No, probably not. Why, you ask. Well, because I can't talk to him about any of it... he knew I was pregnant for all of four days and the loss didn't hit him that hard. My grief over this doesn't make sense to him. It makes it hard to show someone how badly you are hurting when they don't think it's nearly as awful as you do. He is capable of "not getting attached" and "not getting his hopes up" whereas I am obviously not.  My mom isn't here. My best friend lives an hour away and can't be here. I don't have anyone to hold my hand through this... so I am going to be praying for a lot of "virtual" hand holding tomorrow at 2:30... because that's all I'm going to get. I'm sure I'll be posting again soon to let you all know how it went...

Alone

My scars are neatly hidden,

just beneath the skin.

On the surface I look flawless, 

though I'm torn apart within.

There is no mark of torment, 

upon my flesh or bones,

Although the pain, it follows me, 

Where ever I may go.

Not pill nor touch can heal it, 

this brokenness inside,

but somehow I can numb it,

with medicated lies.

I take my pills

and count my sheep, 

and drift away to sleep,

knowing that tomorrow brings 

more tears...

             more pain.....

                         and sadness that I, alone, must keep.

If I Die Young (The Band Perry)

"If I Die Young"

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

96 hours...

I realize that spending 127 hours with your arm crushed under a boulder in the middle of the desert, dying of dehydration, and being forced to amputate your own arm makes for a much more intense story... but the result of my 96 hours has left me with an invisible amputation. I may still have all of my limbs in-tact, but I understand the how amputees can feel pain in their "ghost" limbs, even after the procedure is done. 

I have ghost pains of my own.

I think what makes this whole miscarriage so difficult to bare is that there is no physical scar, no missing limb, no visible bruise to validate the amount of pain I feel. I look just the same on the outside as I did before - but my insides feel like they have been torn apart and left to mend themselves. I would almost rather have some physical deformity that served as a reminder of the loss I suffered. Everyone else in my life has gone back to living their normal lives, my husband included, and I feel like I'm in limbo - I'm not supposed to be suffering from this anymore but I'm not healed yet either. I feel like I am the only one who thinks about it every other second of the day, who has woken up more than once and, for a second, forgotten the miscarriage and found my hand on my belly.

I'm haunted by pain.

i carry your heart [i carry it in my heart]

For my daughter... I love you Addison... more than life.

 

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling) 

i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

 

e.e. cummings

Words to hang on to...

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain. But he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for your way.

How are you doing?

I've been getting that question a lot lately... and I don't know how to answer it. I know that people are asking to show their concern after the events of this week... I know that they mean well and that they want to help and that social protocol dictates that when someone goes through something awful, you ask them how they are doing. I always say the same thing - "I'm okay." or "I'm hanging in there." or some variation of that... 

If I were to answer honestly, how would they react? If I said, "I feel like part of my soul has died." would they still smile and nod? 

If I explained that I get light headed and feel like I am going to pass out every time I go pee and see the blood, would that be TMI? Yeah, probably. But those are the things I'm thinking when people ask... 

Do I tell them that I have to take my maximum dose of anxiety meds just to get to sleep and even then that sleep is filled with dreams of babies I can't save, blood I can't stop, and tears? 

Do I tell them that I'm afraid to let myself cry again because I feel like if the flood gates open, I may never get them closed? 

Do I tell them that a student asked me today when I was going to have another baby and I considered walking out of my classroom because it felt like my heart seized in my chest?

Do I tell them that I feel like the walking dead most of the time? Going through the motions but not really feeling anything... is that what they want to hear?

Do I tell them that there is a shadow hanging over the whole idea of Mother's Day this weekend... despite the perfect child I have and love, I know I'll also be thinking about the child that could have been...

Or do I continue to lie, to placate everyone and say that "I'm fine."? 

Do I continue to smile and nod when they tell me it "just wasn't meant to be" or that it was "God's will."? 

Because I'm not fine, I'm not okay. I may smile and nod and carry on a normal conversation with you - but I'm not okay. Not yet.

Am I thankful that I have people in my life who care enough to ask? Absolutely. I'm even more thankful for the ones who are able to call 'bullshit' when I tell them everything is okay.

It hurts in my heart...

I broke down... curled up on the bathroom floor and bawled my eyes out... the sound of little footsteps and the hug of tiny arms around my neck were everything that I needed and more than I could handle. Addison, I don't know how  you knew what Mommy needed or how badly she needed it, but at 20 months, you were the first person to truly offer solace today. I love you, more than words can ever say and this awful day makes me cherish you even more.

I don't know which is worse...

... death or nonexistence.

I had a miscarriage this morning. I had a miscarriage this morning? I had a miscarriage this morning.

I can type the words but I still can't say them out loud without feeling like my soul is being ripped from my body. Okay, maybe that's a lie - I can't even type them with out my heart breaking in two but at least no one is here to watch me fall apart when I'm typing. 

Yesterday, I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. Today, I am not. Yesterday, I was laughing with a friend about how miserable my last pregnancy was and how as long as I didn't get the PUPPS rash again, I'd be happy. I guess I was lying. I'd take the rash a thousand times, because it didn't come close to this type of pain. 

I hadn't even really announced it yet - I kept telling myself that was because I wanted to wait until the blood work was in, I wanted to know that everything was fine... I think that deep down, when I really thought about it, I already knew. It took almost an entire extra week to get a positive pregnancy test and I had spotting that entire week. I told myself that lots of people spotted early in pregnancy and it wasn't that big of a deal. So, when it went away - I patted myself on the back and felt like I could tell a few close friends and family.

I got to be pregnant and happy for less than a week. Last night, I started spotting again - but this time it was red blood, not brown. We called the doctor and she told us to come in first thing in the morning for an ultrasound and to 'take it easy' for the night... like that could ever happen. 

I woke up this morning from a nightmare in a cold sweat. In my dream, there had been some awful accident and there was blood everywhere. I start to get my bearings when I realize that I'm holding something small in my hands. It's my son. He's dying in my hands and I can't stop it - he's so small and there is so much blood and I can't save him. My son. Dead before he ever lived. 

I didn't want to get out of bed after I woke up - because I knew that my dream was right and that I wouldn't like what I found when I got out of bed. There was a lot of blood. We went to the ER and in the same place where I had stood, dripping wet after my water broke, shaking because this was IT and I was having a baby... I stood, dripping blood, crying because I was losing my baby. The did blood work and an ultrasound. My quantum level was 38. It should have been near 1,000 by now. My uterus is empty. I was pregnant and now I'm not. 

I have been leaking tears all day... with occasional bouts of near hysteria in the middle - when I had to tell my mom, when the doctor called to check on me, when I saw the pregnancy book on my nightstand. I understand the reasons why - something wasn't right and 1 out of 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. But now I'm part of this new group of women - who share something that I never wanted to share... the understanding that there is a type of pain that words cannot describe, and that no-one, unless she has been there herself, can even come close to comprehending.

I don't know where we go from here. Right now, I feel like I never want to chance this again - that I'm done. But a few days ago, I would have told you that nothing could compare to the feeling of knowing that I was giving Addison something that I have always wanted and never been able to have - a sibling. So, I won't make any decisions today. Or any promises. 

I didn't even have time to get these on to the computer until today... but I am not going to sit by and pretend that this pregnancy didn't happen. We lost a family member today that we never got the chance to meet... 

Baby Tweedy... Known and Loved 4/30 - 5/4