Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
This one time in the Starbucks parking lot...
I seriously considered using boiling hot latte to sterilize a bink. Allow me to explain...
I picked Addison up from daycare today and headed for town. Since we started feeding rice and solids, we've been going through jammies like you would not believe (okay, if you have an itty bitty, maybe you would believe it...). Carters was on sale at Fred Meyer's and so our mission was to get several new pairs of jammies (and apparently several spring outfits that were just TOO cute to pass up). For the first few minutes of the car ride, Addison was a happy camper and talked to her bugs (not real ones, her furry light up ones on the car seat bar) but pretty soon she was peeved that she couldn't see me and started crying. Not to mention, she hadn't pooped since Sunday, so her tummy was so bloated that she looked like Buddha. So, 20 minutes of crying all the way up to Freddy's ensued. As soon as I got her in the stroller and headed inside, she was peachy again. We shopped, discussed the merits of spring dresses, polka dots, and hats, and then headed next door to Starbucks for a little pick-me-up. We ran into a teacher from my district so we chatted it up for a bit and Addison smiled and cooed at her and showed off her adorable personality. We headed for the car and as I put the brake on to start loading the car I see Addison's bink go flying through the air in slow motion and land, sucky side down, on the nasty pavement.
Oh. (Insert four letter word of your choice here).
This is the exact moment when I realize that I don't have a back-up bink in my bag (::face palm::) - it bit the dust at the doctor's office and I forgot to replace it. So, I stand there for a moment, waiting for the shiznit to hit the proverbial fan. I know I have a twenty minute drive home a little girl who is going to have a fit as soon as I start the car. That's when I looked at my steaming hot latte and briefly considered using it to clean the bink (no, I didn't actually do it. Although there is a distinct possibility that caffeine may actually SLOW my little munchkin down...). I loaded the baby, the stroller, and the loot into the car and said a silent little prayer that we could make it home without screaming. I think it was Garth Brooks who once said something about unanswered prayers... she screamed. And screamed. And screamed some more. It's almost comical to think of how we looked from the outside of the car versus what was actually going on in the inside. From the outside, you see me sipping on Starbucks and a baby in the back seat, batting at her toys. On the inside however, things are much different. Addison is wailing at the top of her lungs about the injustices that she has suffered as John Mayer sings about Heartbreak Warfare... Instead singing along to the music, as it would appear from the outside, I'm chanting, "It's okay, we're almost home." Over and over and over again. And for those mom's who have nursed their babies, you can understand what happens when your baby starts to cry... Oh yes. Massive milk letdown as she howled in the backseat. So, this went on for 20 minutes until we got home, pulled into the garage, and I took her out of the car... then presto, chango - I have a happy little girl again!
Fast forward a few hours, one dose of laxative, and a suppository later to when the magical sound of poo fills my ears from the bouncy seat next to me (and the smell that followed confirmed it). I whisked her away to the changing table to find that one of the most dreaded events possible had occurred. She pooped up her back. Massively. I have no idea how poop can defy gravity and travel UP a diaper and to her armpits, but it did. She was in a onsie that required being pulled over her head and there were massive quantities of poo to contend with. I managed to turn the shirt inside out to avoid getting it in her hair but then had to put down a towel to keep her from rolling around in it. Gross. About a dozen wipes and a new outfit later she's clean and happy and ready to go play again. Twenty minutes later, we enter round two of poop up the back and this time I was lucky enough to stick my finger in it. Ew. I'm totally blaming this episode on The Lame Sauce because if he hadn't posted about it, it NEVER would have happened.
So, that was my day. How was yours?
I picked Addison up from daycare today and headed for town. Since we started feeding rice and solids, we've been going through jammies like you would not believe (okay, if you have an itty bitty, maybe you would believe it...). Carters was on sale at Fred Meyer's and so our mission was to get several new pairs of jammies (and apparently several spring outfits that were just TOO cute to pass up). For the first few minutes of the car ride, Addison was a happy camper and talked to her bugs (not real ones, her furry light up ones on the car seat bar) but pretty soon she was peeved that she couldn't see me and started crying. Not to mention, she hadn't pooped since Sunday, so her tummy was so bloated that she looked like Buddha. So, 20 minutes of crying all the way up to Freddy's ensued. As soon as I got her in the stroller and headed inside, she was peachy again. We shopped, discussed the merits of spring dresses, polka dots, and hats, and then headed next door to Starbucks for a little pick-me-up. We ran into a teacher from my district so we chatted it up for a bit and Addison smiled and cooed at her and showed off her adorable personality. We headed for the car and as I put the brake on to start loading the car I see Addison's bink go flying through the air in slow motion and land, sucky side down, on the nasty pavement.
Oh. (Insert four letter word of your choice here).
This is the exact moment when I realize that I don't have a back-up bink in my bag (::face palm::) - it bit the dust at the doctor's office and I forgot to replace it. So, I stand there for a moment, waiting for the shiznit to hit the proverbial fan. I know I have a twenty minute drive home a little girl who is going to have a fit as soon as I start the car. That's when I looked at my steaming hot latte and briefly considered using it to clean the bink (no, I didn't actually do it. Although there is a distinct possibility that caffeine may actually SLOW my little munchkin down...). I loaded the baby, the stroller, and the loot into the car and said a silent little prayer that we could make it home without screaming. I think it was Garth Brooks who once said something about unanswered prayers... she screamed. And screamed. And screamed some more. It's almost comical to think of how we looked from the outside of the car versus what was actually going on in the inside. From the outside, you see me sipping on Starbucks and a baby in the back seat, batting at her toys. On the inside however, things are much different. Addison is wailing at the top of her lungs about the injustices that she has suffered as John Mayer sings about Heartbreak Warfare... Instead singing along to the music, as it would appear from the outside, I'm chanting, "It's okay, we're almost home." Over and over and over again. And for those mom's who have nursed their babies, you can understand what happens when your baby starts to cry... Oh yes. Massive milk letdown as she howled in the backseat. So, this went on for 20 minutes until we got home, pulled into the garage, and I took her out of the car... then presto, chango - I have a happy little girl again!
Fast forward a few hours, one dose of laxative, and a suppository later to when the magical sound of poo fills my ears from the bouncy seat next to me (and the smell that followed confirmed it). I whisked her away to the changing table to find that one of the most dreaded events possible had occurred. She pooped up her back. Massively. I have no idea how poop can defy gravity and travel UP a diaper and to her armpits, but it did. She was in a onsie that required being pulled over her head and there were massive quantities of poo to contend with. I managed to turn the shirt inside out to avoid getting it in her hair but then had to put down a towel to keep her from rolling around in it. Gross. About a dozen wipes and a new outfit later she's clean and happy and ready to go play again. Twenty minutes later, we enter round two of poop up the back and this time I was lucky enough to stick my finger in it. Ew. I'm totally blaming this episode on The Lame Sauce because if he hadn't posted about it, it NEVER would have happened.
So, that was my day. How was yours?
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
A walk in the park...
Yesterday we loaded up the dog, the baby, and the stroller and headed down to the Greenway path next to the river. It was beautiful out and we spent the afternoon enjoying the weather. Skyla even got to go make some new friends at the dog park :) It was the perfect way to spend the afternoon...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Good morning!!
I've never been a morning person. I guess I have always been more of an early-afternoon person... but how can you resist getting up in the morning when you get to walk in and find this little cutie waiting for you??
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Follow up to the word vomit from the other day...
First off, THANK YOU to those of you who posted comments, sent emails, and facebooked me after that last post. It really means a lot to me that people take time out of their day to respond (hell, even to read what I write). When I sat down to type out that post I fully intended it to be a "my day sucked" blurb and that was it... but once my fingers hit the keys - well, it just all came pouring out. But, I'm glad it did. I've always written things out to make sense of them in my head - talking has just never worked for me because I go round and round and back and forth and my conversations (when I'm upset) end up making no sense... So I blogged. And I did take the advice that I got from all of you (and of course, my husband) and I went to see our family doctor this morning. He diagnosed me with PPD and PPD related anxiety. We talked about my irrational fears, my panic attacks, my compulsive behavior, and how all of that coupled with working full time, running on no sleep, crummy eating habits, and stress can be a bit much. He also said it's even more common in mom's of fall babies because of the lack of sunlight (vitamin D). I guess I knew that's what was going on but I just thought that after five months, I would be past that 'hormonal stage' and back to normal (I use the term normal verrrrry loosely). So, tonight I start on antidepressants and hopefully within a few weeks I'll see some improvements. He is also running a ton of blood work to make sure there isn't anything else going on too but it'll be a week or so before we hear back on that. So... hopefully this is the bottom and we're on the upswing now. Thanks again for all the support - it really means a lot to me to know that I'm not the only going through this.
I'm off for the night... Addison is ready to play, dinner is ready to be eaten, and a movie is ready to be popped into the DVD player... TGI(almost)F =]
I'm off for the night... Addison is ready to play, dinner is ready to be eaten, and a movie is ready to be popped into the DVD player... TGI(almost)F =]
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
It's not okay...
Do people who are going crazy know they are going crazy before they've gone crazy or is that just part of going crazy?
I got an email from a blogger friend that asked something like, "How are things going?" and as I sat down to key out the words, "Great, and you?" I started bawling.
Seriously. Something is wrong.
I'm a mess lately. I can't name it and I can't explain how it feels or what's causing it and that is frustrating me beyond belief. I'm panicky - I worry constantly about Addison being safe, about something happening to her, about the week in March where I'll be home alone with her because Derek will be on a work trip, about a car hitting us on our drive in the morning, about SIDS, about something happening at daycare, at her being kidnapped, about EVERY POSSIBLE THING that could happen - and it's exhausting. I have these horrid scenes playing through my head where something happens to her and I can't save her or protect her. I panic in the car that somehow I left the house/store/school without her and I have to reach back into her car seat and physically touch her to make sure she's there.
I'm irritable... like raging BITCH irritable, not just cranky. I try so hard to keep a lid on it because I know I'm being irrational but I want to scream most of the time. I'm pissed that the house is a mess, that I have more bills than money, that Derek is addicted to a stupid online game, that my parents are leaving the country again for the whole summer, that I have to go back to school AGAIN, that my husband has the audacity to think sex is on my 'to do list', hell, I'm even pissed at myself for being pissed. How productive is that???
I'm anxious all the time and it leaves me doing stupid, repetitive things instead of getting productive things done. I lock doors. Again. and again. and again. I clean counter tops. Over and over again. My mind races to the point that I feel like I can't even understand my own thoughts. I get stupid, repetitive phrases or song stuck in my head and I can't get them out. I just repeat it over, and over, and over in my head. I want to cry and I don't even have a reason.
It just feels like I've been juggling all these different things and now I've got so many balls going in the air that something is sure to fall to the ground and shatter... I don't know how else to explain it. It's like living on the edge of a razor blade. I'm so busy being a stressed out mess that I'm losing sleep, weight, and my sanity. Seriously, I'm at the end of my rope.
The only time I have felt sane and happy in the last few weeks has been when I'm curled up with Addison in the chair at night waiting for her to go to sleep. That's my 'happy place'... everything else is my scary place.
I got an email from a blogger friend that asked something like, "How are things going?" and as I sat down to key out the words, "Great, and you?" I started bawling.
Seriously. Something is wrong.
I'm a mess lately. I can't name it and I can't explain how it feels or what's causing it and that is frustrating me beyond belief. I'm panicky - I worry constantly about Addison being safe, about something happening to her, about the week in March where I'll be home alone with her because Derek will be on a work trip, about a car hitting us on our drive in the morning, about SIDS, about something happening at daycare, at her being kidnapped, about EVERY POSSIBLE THING that could happen - and it's exhausting. I have these horrid scenes playing through my head where something happens to her and I can't save her or protect her. I panic in the car that somehow I left the house/store/school without her and I have to reach back into her car seat and physically touch her to make sure she's there.
I'm irritable... like raging BITCH irritable, not just cranky. I try so hard to keep a lid on it because I know I'm being irrational but I want to scream most of the time. I'm pissed that the house is a mess, that I have more bills than money, that Derek is addicted to a stupid online game, that my parents are leaving the country again for the whole summer, that I have to go back to school AGAIN, that my husband has the audacity to think sex is on my 'to do list', hell, I'm even pissed at myself for being pissed. How productive is that???
I'm anxious all the time and it leaves me doing stupid, repetitive things instead of getting productive things done. I lock doors. Again. and again. and again. I clean counter tops. Over and over again. My mind races to the point that I feel like I can't even understand my own thoughts. I get stupid, repetitive phrases or song stuck in my head and I can't get them out. I just repeat it over, and over, and over in my head. I want to cry and I don't even have a reason.
It just feels like I've been juggling all these different things and now I've got so many balls going in the air that something is sure to fall to the ground and shatter... I don't know how else to explain it. It's like living on the edge of a razor blade. I'm so busy being a stressed out mess that I'm losing sleep, weight, and my sanity. Seriously, I'm at the end of my rope.
The only time I have felt sane and happy in the last few weeks has been when I'm curled up with Addison in the chair at night waiting for her to go to sleep. That's my 'happy place'... everything else is my scary place.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Addison's Adventures...
Allow me to narrate for you...
Addison: "Hi, Sawyer! Wow, those are super cute jeans! Did your mom buy those for you? I love shopping!"
Sawyer: "Um, yeah. Can you pass the remote?"
Addison: "OMG! Sawyer, look at my super cute new shoes!! Don't you just love them!? I got them at the mall. Did I mention that I love shopping?! Do you want to touch them? Here, lick them, they taste delicious!"
Sawyer: "Um, thanks. Yeah, they're great. Are the Olympics on yet?"
Addison: "Sawyer, look at this blanket! It has fringy thingys all over it! Wanna chew on one? Here, this spot is super!"
Sawyer: "Hey, that does look good! Thanks!"
But... at the end of the night, they were holding hands and sharing a blanket :) Little cuties!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Peas... attempt one.
I'm going to file this one under... "Ew. Not really a fan."
Addison, as a side note, I'm really REALLY sorry that your first culinary experience had to be peas. I promise, it gets better. Hang in there little girl!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hanging out with Mommy...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I'd like to thank the academy...
::gushes with excitement:: My very first bloggie award!! Thanks Holls for picking me!! :)
Here are rules of the award:
1. Thank & link to the person that gave you the award
2. Pass this award onto 5 bloggers you’ve recently discovered & think are fantastic.
Laura @ Lily Loves
Julia @ Unexpectedly Expecting
Jamie @ Grumbles and Grunts
Kristen @ Motherhood Uncensored
Blair @ Heir to Blair
3. Contact said Blogs & let them know they've won
4. State 7 interesting things about yourself
Okay... here we go...
1. I would buy anything COACH... even a kitty litter box. Seriously.
2. I won't drink certain brands of water because I think they taste funny. Yeah, I said water.
3. I'm totally OCD about lining things up - if the trivet in the kitchen is squared perfectly with the counter tops, I become homicidal. On that same note, my husband like to set it off kilter just to piss me off. Not cool.
4. I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies (okay, except the newest one)... in fact, I don't think I've ever seen a movie that is older than I am.
5. My feet are so sensitive that I can tell if I'm wearing mismatched socks without looking.
6. I'm terrified of being alone in the dark. I can't even walk to the kitchen at night without getting the heeby-jeebies.
7. I'm secretly a little sad that Addison doesn't look more like me, I've always wanted to have someone that looked like me but she is the spitting image of her daddy...
EDIT: I realized last night that #7 sounded a little mean... I'm adopted and Addison is the first blood relative I've ever met so that's where the desire to have someone look like me comes from... I love that she looks like her daddy :) and she's beautiful no matter who she takes after... :)
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
::frolicks around the interwebs::
I just got the B E S T news...
WE DON'T HAVE A BILL FOR LABOR AND DELIVERY... OUR INSURANCE PAID IT ALL!!!
We were expecting $1000 plus and after not hearing anything for months I got up the nerve to call today... WaHOOOOOOOO!!!
WE DON'T HAVE A BILL FOR LABOR AND DELIVERY... OUR INSURANCE PAID IT ALL!!!
We were expecting $1000 plus and after not hearing anything for months I got up the nerve to call today... WaHOOOOOOOO!!!
Addison and Joey
Tasha, Joey, Addison, and I at Sea Galley last week... Joey and Addison were born five hours apart :)
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
99 things...
I found this on another blog and liked the idea... enjoy! I've done more than I realized!
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightening storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Received flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (does a crab count??)
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightening storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Received flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (does a crab count??)
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
Monday, February 1, 2010
Addison vs. the sippy cup... round 1.
The best part of this video is listening to her gummy on the cup and making the silly squeaky noise :) She LOVED this cup, even though she poured more milk down her front than anything...
Just breathe...
I usually don’t write about this kind of stuff because I know that occasionally I get a random blog visit from a student or parent and I don’t want to put too much of myself out there in cyberspace. That being said, writing is my way of dealing, and I hope that I can be forgiven for being human in this instance and needing to express all the craziness that is going on inside my brain.
I’m stressed out to the max. The problem is I don’t really know what is causing it. I work well under pressure – being a working mom isn’t too much for me; I actually enjoy the balance between the two. I love my job (most of the time) and I like being at work. It allows me to feel like I’ve really accomplished something important during the day. I absolutely adore being a mom. As soon as I walk out the door at 3pm, I forget about my work life and turn back into Addison’s mommy. So, I know that it isn’t my job that is causing this... Addison’s health problems are under control (her tummy seems to be sorting itself out and her reflux isn’t as bad) and she is generally a happy, loving, fun baby... so that isn’t it. Derek and I are doing great – we have adjusted to this whole parenting thing much better than I expected. We both have our ‘jobs’ and we approach parenting like everything else in our life – as a team. Those are the things that would be the stressors in most people lives – work, parenting, marriage. Not for me.
The thing that is keeping me up at night, stressing me out, and wrecking all sorts of havoc in my life right now is how fast Addison is growing up... I know it sounds silly to most people – growing up is part of life. It’s just that I really thought I’d have more time before she was rolling around, eating solid foods, and thinking about crawling. It feels like this part of my life is speeding by and all I can do is hold on for dear life. On Friday, Derek texted me to tell me that she was rolling over (just like laughing out loud, she only does her ‘firsts’ for her daddy) and then last night we plopped her in the high chair and she tried rice cereal for the first time. It was so fun and so exciting but at the same time so sad to me that she’s already at that point. I had to pack up her 0 – 3 clothes the other day and it brought tears to my eyes. Plus, I know that very shortly she’ll quit nursing and that scares me more than anything else. Since the moment she was conceived, she has depended on me for her most basic needs – food and protection being at the top of the list. I feel like as long as she’s still nursing, we still have a special connection, a bond, that she NEEDS me for something and when that stops... ah, I can’t even think of it. I’m so scared of her not needing me anymore. I know that sounds selfish but I can’t help it...
So, when things in my life spin out of control, I panic. I’m a control freak and I hate this feeling of free falling through space... I have anxiety induced obsessive compulsive disorder (it took a lot of therapy to earn that big title...). Basically, it means when I get stressed out, I deal by finding things I can control. Usually it’s manageable and the only side effect is an incredibly clean house. These last few weeks, however, have been worse. I’ve been insane about cleaning – it’s like spring cleaning every couple of weeks in our house. I got up last night to put the last of the milk in the fridge before we went to bed and I found myself wiping down the counters and lining up things in the fridge. Ugh. My other two naughty control behaviors are shopping – for anything, and eating (more specifically, not eating). I’ve been shopping like a madwoman since Christmas – clothes, Sephora, diapers.com, itunes, you name it, and I’m shopping there. I racked up over $400 in January alone... thankfully, I’ve had the cash to support my habit but I need to be saving, not spending! Last, but not least, is my food issues. I struggled with eating disorders in high school and college – I’ve had body image issues all my life. I don’t starve myself and I don’t puke but I get stressed out and I can’t make myself eat more than a meal a day. I think it’s half of the reason I lost the pregnancy weight so fast... I didn’t mind it when I was trying to rid myself of the 50 pounds I gained during pregnancy but now it just keeps falling off... I know it isn’t healthy but I can’t stop...
It hit me like a ton of bricks last night – as I was cleaning the house for the third time since Friday. I can’t slow time down; I can’t make Addison stay tiny for very long. She’s going to grow up, she’s going to think I’m totally uncool (which, in reality, is very true), she’s going to go to school, move out, get married, and live her own life... she won’t always be this tiny little person and that scares me. Now I get why some people have five kids... I’m not ready to be done with this stage yet, even though she is. I never knew that being a mom would mean this much to me...
I know this is the most random post ever but I really needed to get it all out – I tried to explain it to Derek last night as I was lying in his arms crying but I just couldn’t put it into words for him. I just laid there and thought instead about the dog hair that needed to be vacuumed out of the back of the CR-V... ::sigh::
I’m stressed out to the max. The problem is I don’t really know what is causing it. I work well under pressure – being a working mom isn’t too much for me; I actually enjoy the balance between the two. I love my job (most of the time) and I like being at work. It allows me to feel like I’ve really accomplished something important during the day. I absolutely adore being a mom. As soon as I walk out the door at 3pm, I forget about my work life and turn back into Addison’s mommy. So, I know that it isn’t my job that is causing this... Addison’s health problems are under control (her tummy seems to be sorting itself out and her reflux isn’t as bad) and she is generally a happy, loving, fun baby... so that isn’t it. Derek and I are doing great – we have adjusted to this whole parenting thing much better than I expected. We both have our ‘jobs’ and we approach parenting like everything else in our life – as a team. Those are the things that would be the stressors in most people lives – work, parenting, marriage. Not for me.
The thing that is keeping me up at night, stressing me out, and wrecking all sorts of havoc in my life right now is how fast Addison is growing up... I know it sounds silly to most people – growing up is part of life. It’s just that I really thought I’d have more time before she was rolling around, eating solid foods, and thinking about crawling. It feels like this part of my life is speeding by and all I can do is hold on for dear life. On Friday, Derek texted me to tell me that she was rolling over (just like laughing out loud, she only does her ‘firsts’ for her daddy) and then last night we plopped her in the high chair and she tried rice cereal for the first time. It was so fun and so exciting but at the same time so sad to me that she’s already at that point. I had to pack up her 0 – 3 clothes the other day and it brought tears to my eyes. Plus, I know that very shortly she’ll quit nursing and that scares me more than anything else. Since the moment she was conceived, she has depended on me for her most basic needs – food and protection being at the top of the list. I feel like as long as she’s still nursing, we still have a special connection, a bond, that she NEEDS me for something and when that stops... ah, I can’t even think of it. I’m so scared of her not needing me anymore. I know that sounds selfish but I can’t help it...
So, when things in my life spin out of control, I panic. I’m a control freak and I hate this feeling of free falling through space... I have anxiety induced obsessive compulsive disorder (it took a lot of therapy to earn that big title...). Basically, it means when I get stressed out, I deal by finding things I can control. Usually it’s manageable and the only side effect is an incredibly clean house. These last few weeks, however, have been worse. I’ve been insane about cleaning – it’s like spring cleaning every couple of weeks in our house. I got up last night to put the last of the milk in the fridge before we went to bed and I found myself wiping down the counters and lining up things in the fridge. Ugh. My other two naughty control behaviors are shopping – for anything, and eating (more specifically, not eating). I’ve been shopping like a madwoman since Christmas – clothes, Sephora, diapers.com, itunes, you name it, and I’m shopping there. I racked up over $400 in January alone... thankfully, I’ve had the cash to support my habit but I need to be saving, not spending! Last, but not least, is my food issues. I struggled with eating disorders in high school and college – I’ve had body image issues all my life. I don’t starve myself and I don’t puke but I get stressed out and I can’t make myself eat more than a meal a day. I think it’s half of the reason I lost the pregnancy weight so fast... I didn’t mind it when I was trying to rid myself of the 50 pounds I gained during pregnancy but now it just keeps falling off... I know it isn’t healthy but I can’t stop...
It hit me like a ton of bricks last night – as I was cleaning the house for the third time since Friday. I can’t slow time down; I can’t make Addison stay tiny for very long. She’s going to grow up, she’s going to think I’m totally uncool (which, in reality, is very true), she’s going to go to school, move out, get married, and live her own life... she won’t always be this tiny little person and that scares me. Now I get why some people have five kids... I’m not ready to be done with this stage yet, even though she is. I never knew that being a mom would mean this much to me...
I know this is the most random post ever but I really needed to get it all out – I tried to explain it to Derek last night as I was lying in his arms crying but I just couldn’t put it into words for him. I just laid there and thought instead about the dog hair that needed to be vacuumed out of the back of the CR-V... ::sigh::
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