::taps fingers::

I am sooo excited to go to Arizona, the last few weeks have seemed to drag on so slowly and I thought I was NEVER going to get on that plane - now it's less than 24 hours away and I'm not ready!!! I got up this morning and went to get a manicure and pedicure with Amanda and we were out and about until noon. Then, Derek and I went to a movie in Sunnyside (I give "I love you, man" 4 out of 5 stars, it really was pretty funny) and now I'm at home waiting (impatient ally) for the laundry to be done. I have learned a new lesson about pregnancy this week - when you only have three possible pant/capri options available to you - it makes packing in advance quite difficult. So, as soon as the dryer buzzes I'll be packing and compiling all the things I "need" to take with me this week. If you know me at all, you know why I put need in quotation marks. We have a movie to watch tonight and I'm going to have one last heaping plate full of my baked spaghetti before it's no good... Then it's off to bed and to the airport by 10am tomorrow... it's going to go by so fast!!

But in all this excitement, I'm a little bit sad. This is the first time I'll be far away from Derek since I got pregnant and I feel really guilty. I'm so worried that something will happen (bad or good) and he won't be right there with me!! I'm thrilled to see my parents and I can't wait, I just wish he was coming too. It's Hammy's first vacation and Derek won't be there to share it with us, and that makes me sad. On the other hand, I also know that this is probably the last time I'll get to go down and be with my parents for a long time. Airfare will be too expensive for the three of us and I know I won't want to leave Derek and the little one for any longer than I have to. Maybe it's all the crazy pregnancy hormones, but I'm really happy and really sad at the same time...

Alright... off I go to pack :)

14 Week Update...

No picture this week, sorry... but nothing has changed and I wasn't motivated enough to pose for my weekly shot! :)

How far along? 14 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Up one more pound to ten, but I'm blaming it on constipation... If I could poop, I'd be 3 pounds lighter!!!
Maternity clothes? Yup
!Stretch marks? No, thank god!!
Sleep: Still loving it, but now I'm able to stay up until 8:30 or 9:00... Wahooo!!
Best moment this week: Hearing baby's heartbeat after my yardwork scare...
Movement: Nope, still waiting.
Food cravings: Baked spaghetti
Gender: Not a freaking clue anymore :(
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Going out and having a good time with friends (can't drink, can't stay up late)
What I am looking forward to: Taking Hammy on our first vacation to Arizona!!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy each day - it FLIES by...
Milestones: Being able to take vitamin C pills without puking... yea me!!

Prune Juice...

makes me wanna hurl.

I'd rather be constipated, thankyouverymuch.

That is all.

Buh-Bye Bloat!!

FINALLY!!!

I woke up this morning and after 9 weeks of the most insane bloat known to man (or more appropriately - to woman) - it's gone. I can see my toes again and my skin no longer feels like it's stretched to its breaking point. I know that this won't last for long and soon enough I'll be stretched out for real - but I'll take the breaks where I can get them!! I've even lost 2 1/2 pounds!! Annnd, (nope not done yet) I've had enough energy to stay up until 8:30 (act impressed, that's an hour and a half later than usual!!) the last few nights!! So far, I like the second trimester!!!

::wooosh wooosh wooosh wooosh::

That is my favorite sound in the whole world...

I called the doctor this morning because I was having some pretty bad cramping after doing yardwork this weekend. After talking to the nurse, they decided to have me come in and get checked out just in case. Derek was sick in bed so I went alone and I was scared the whole way there - I can even imagine how I'd feel if I'd hurt the baby while planting stupid roses!! After a few minutes the doctor came in and poked and prodded me and then pulled out the doppler... and right away, there was baby's heartbeat - strong as ever. Thank God. I'm on modified bed rest for a few days - no big activities and no heavy lifting/pushing/pulling (or digging) but then I should be good as new. This pregnancy stuff really takes getting used to!

Bored. Senseless.

I have been on this computer ALL DAY. I got up at 9:30 and for a while it was entertaining... but now - I want to throw it across the room. Derek is miserably sick and watching March Madness so if I want to be around him I have to listen to basketball (groan) and play on the computer to stay entertained.

I did get some things accomplished this weekend - I weeded my garden and planted some new rosebushes. I also started my veggies in my new little windowsill "greenhouse". I don't think mother nature appreciates my attempts however, when I went out to plant my roses today it started to hail. It was perfectly sunny and calm allllll day and when I finally win the fight and get the shed door open, the sky starts spitting little pellets at me. I waited it out in the shed for 5 minutes and then continued on with my planting. I was stoked to take some pictures of the garden and greenhouse to post for progress but I think I left my camera at work (oh thank you pregnancy brain) or I lost it. Either way, I'm pissy about not having it here!!

Derek is coming down with some nasty flu bug and I just KNOW I'm going to get it right before (or during) my vacation to Arizona. :(

I guess I'm going to the store to get some soup and salad stuff... and cookies for Hammy. Then we can relax and watch Twilight tonight (chorus of angels singing) and I can sleep in tomorrow... because I get Monday off!!! Woot woot!! Sorry for the pointless post - I'm bored and I needed to include you in my boredness.

I'm having a tantrum. Deal with it.

So - I have wanted (read: CRAVED) a pita from Pita Pit for WEEKS now. It's the only thing I've wanted, a chicken caesar pita loaded with lettuce and dressing, like a little caesar salad burrito. The closest Pit to our house is in E'burg, 45 minutes away. Derek was on his way home from Seattle and I asked him to stop and get pitas yesterday. I was sick last night so I couldn't eat mine but I was super excited for it all day - I have conferences tonight and it's going to be a looooong night so a big, tasty lunch sounded perfect. I got down to the staff room, unwrapped my beautiful pita took that first glorious bit and got a mouthful of FETA CHEESE!!!! Not only is it on the "no-no" list during pregnancy but it just sounds flat out disgusting right now, especially on a caesar anything! I can't get ahold of Derek to find out if it was the Pit's screw up (I hope to God it was, because I'll call and throw a fit) or if Derek had a brain fart. Either way - I'm on the verge of tears over this stupid lunch. I don't have anything else to eat and my kids come back in 7 minutes so I can't get anywhere either. :( I'm pissed and it may have just ruined my whole day... I have to work a 12 hour day today because of conferences with NO FOOD??? effing hell... I'm off to drink my water.

13 Week Update...

This shirt makes me look much more pregnant than I really am - but I didn't realize that until AFTER we took the picture!

How far along? 13 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: None this week!! Holding steady at 9 pounds.
Maternity clothes? Yes, I love them!
Stretch marks? No, thank god!!
Sleep: I love sleep!! I go to bed at 7pm most nights!
Best moment this week: Getting on the scale and seeing 135.0 - for the second week in a row!!
Movement: I swear I felt something Tuesday night but it is still really early, it was probably just gas :)
Food cravings: Pita Pit!
Gender: I'm thinking girl right now...
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Mai Tai's
What I am looking forward to: Feeling real movement! I can't wait!
Weekly Wisdom: If something doesn't sound good - DON'T EAT IT!! You will puke for hours...
Milestones: Making it to the end of the 2nd trimester! Wahoo!!

What was it about the early bird??

I got this off justmommies.com... I guess it's not just me that likes being early - it must be genetic! Ekks!!!

"You won't need to try any secret recipes to bring on labor. Have your emergency numbers ready. Don't wait until the last minute to get your nursery ready. We predict your baby will come 1-2 weeks early. Your baby will most likely be born in the morning. Justmommies predicts that your baby will weigh approximately 6.5 pounds and that your labor will be about 12 hours long."

::pouts::

Derek is going to Olympia today to meet with the big-wigs and try to get his "2" rating back (looooong story) which would also mean getting his raise that we've been screwed out of for over a year. Anyway - he meets with them tomorrow but because of the pass conditions he has to go over today...

It's my first home alone night since I found out I was pregnant...

::wimpers::

What if I have another bad dream?? What if it's windy and the garbage can falls over and I convince myself that someone is trying to break in?? What if I need Quizno's and there is no-one there to go get it for me????? What if my flu bug comes back and there is no one to babysit the famous passer-outer???

::crosses arms and continues to pout::

Apparently Hammy does not enjoy Mexican food...

Yesterday, Derek and I were sitting around trying to decide what we wanted to do (read: eat)... I had a hankering for Safeway sandwiches and he mentioned tacos for dinner. So, off to Safeway we went to get all the goods... the sandwich was awesome (even though they don't make the best one anymore - Hail Caesar.... soooooo goood... I had to settle for California Dreamin' - same sandwich but instead of an awesome caesar cream cheese spread, it had ranch...) but when dinner rolled around, I just wasn't into the idea of tacos. But, Derek had cooked them and I felt bad for having him do all the work - so we ate tacos. He tried to make double decker tacos like at Taco Bell... well... the shells weren't exactly the right sizes...

So, after a good laugh (and a quick picture because it looked SO ridiculous) we ate, watched Grey's Anatomy, and off I went to bed.... I woke up around 1am with the most horrific pain in my stomach - it felt like I was being stabbed with a hot poker. I laid there for a while, trying to get comfortable and running through the list of pregnancy complications in my brain. When I was satisfied that it was my tummy, not my baby that was in trouble I migrated into the bathroom and waited for the storm. I puked so much and so hard that I feel like I got punched in the gut this morning when I woke up... every bit of my taco dinner came back up (don't worry, I didn't take pictures of that...). I haven't puked that hard since the night I broke my nose. After three hours of laying on the bathroom mat, the puking subsided (because I'm pretty sure there was nothing left) and I crawled back into bed. When my alarm went off this morning, I made the exectutive decision to stay home - I wasn't about to try breakfast and find out on my way to work whether or not it was going to stay down. Plus, I feel like I swallowed acid, it hurts to talk, and my gut is so sore that I'm walking around like a little old lady... I still haven't gotten up the courage to eat anything but I'm hungry so I guess I'll have to give it a go here in a few...

I rolled out of bed around 10:15 and had to laugh when I walked out into the TV room... Skyla, who apparently thinks rules only apply when there are humans to enforce them was curled up in my spot, on my pillow, with my blanket... and instead of scurrying for cover and pretending it didn't happen, like the cat would do, she just laid there and looked at me like, "but I'm so comfy, mom!" Again, had to take a picture because she's just too stinkin' cute.

and I shall call you Hammy, and you shall be mine...

So last night, for the first time, I think Derek and I came up with a nickname for the itty bitty... We had cookies in the oven (hey, I'm pregnant!!) and had just finished watching a movie. I was contemplating going to bed versus staying up for an episode of Grey's Anatomy... and sleep won out. I told Derek not to bother getting Grey's ready, that I needed to go to bed... the converstaion went as follows..

Derek: "Alright then, go brush your teeth and get ready for bed - don't worry about the cookies."
Stefani: "Well.... I could stay up long enough to have a cookie."
Derek: "You need your sleep, don't worry about it"
Stefani: "But it's not for me! The itty bitty wants a cookie!"
Derek: (Laughs and then proceeds to imitate Hammy from Over The Hedge) "But I like the cookie..."

And hence, our itty bitty now has a nickname - Hammy.

::SLAP::

That goes out to the co-worker who, while I was in the midst of discovering what sciatica is all about, says - "Every time I see you, you seem to get bigger. How much have you gained?" While I restrained the profanities that were trying to fly out of my mouth I actually said "9 pounds" (I know I'm a tard, and apparently a fat one).

My normal weight is 125 (I'm 5'3"). I gained 3 pounds over the holidays and when I got pregnant I was 128. I am now 135. I base my gain on my pre-holiday weight because that is what I'm going to be shooting for to get back to... I haven't gained anywhere except for bloat and boobs... So sorry for being a glutton... What the hell does she care what I weigh??

Now that my reasonably happy day sucks, I'm going to go eat my orange and drink my water.

12 Week Belly "Bloat"...

Well... today I am offically 12 weeks and *this* is what I look like now... It's not baby yet - baby is just pushing everything else up and making me puff out! Also, this is the debut of my new haircut and color (yay me!)... sorry for the goofy smirk - I'm contractually obligated to be tired and grumpy until after 8am - photo was taken at 6:30am... :)

How far along? 12 weeks (that's 3 months for you math people!!)
Total weight gain/loss: Up 9 pound lbs. =[
Maternity clothes? Every damn day
Stretch marks? No, thank god!!
Sleep: I'm always tired but I've been waking up at 3am every day this week!
Best moment this week: Making it to 12 weeks!! Being able to feel the top of my ute if I poke hard...
Movement: Nada
Food cravings: Fruit... lots and lots of fruit...
Gender: I'm thinking girl right now...
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Being able to do things without being out of breath in 20 seconds!
What I am looking forward to: Getting to be officially in my 2nd tri at the end of week 13...
Weekly Wisdom: Let go and let God.
Milestones: Another week without throwing up!!

I can't call it relief, but...

I just met with the superintendent and I feel a little better and a little worse...

He assured me that the district and the union will do everything in their power to make sure that teachers don't get cut - it may make teaching a tough profession for a few years, larger class sizes, no new materials, fewer support staff, etc. BUT it could save my job. He also assured me that my time here will come into play when they are looking and non-renewals, as will my ESL and Language Arts endorsements. I would also have unofficial priority in being hired back if I were let go. He said that my job performance has been great and that if I were let go, it would be a business decision, nothing else.

On the other hand, he has no idea how bad the deficit will be, when we'll get numbers that will tell us anything, or how the union will react to all of this.

So, just like yesterday, I don't really know anything - but at least I know I'm not being singled out or pushed out and that if there is any fiscal way for the district to keep me, they will.

And - you should all be proud of me, I didn't cry at all while he was here. I'm choked up now but trying to keep the mascara in place so that my 3rd period kids don't freak out... I have 25 minutes to gain composure.

::sigh:: back to work....

I guess this is where I'm supposed to put on my "big girl pants" and deal...

But I don't want to... Let me preface this entire post by saying that I know NOTHING for sure, that by nature I freak out (enhanced dramatically by pregnancy hormones), and that I have a habit of obsessing about the worst possible scenario. I have my reasons, it has served me well - you can't be surprised or let down when you have prepared yourself for the worst... So with all that in mind, here we go...

I have worked in this school district for 5 years. 1 as a tutor, 2 as a parapro, and now 2 as a teacher - I have climbed the ladder and landed exactly where I always wanted to be - teaching middle school language arts. This is one of the most desired districts in the area and I know I'm lucky to be here. All that being said, I am still a "provisional" teacher - one who has less than two years teaching experience. This state's budget is currently screwed up sixteen ways to Sunday and one of the options our district is looking at for cuts is removing provisional teachers. I have known that this possibility was real since Christmas and it has been talked about a lot in the last few weeks but this morning I received an email that made it even more terrifying. There are 7 provisional employees in our district - I am the one with the most experience of the 7. Tomorrow I have a meeting with the superintendent to discuss "the possibilities" that exist with different budget scenarios. In the email that I received today, it specifically says that the district can "non renew" any provisional employee without having to give reason. Okay, fine. But it also says that the district can "cherry pick" the ones they want to keep - seniority and endorsements don't have to play a role, which I had assumed they would. In-between hysterical crying fits, I have been trying to write down all my questions but I have a very hard time imagining myself being able to actually ask these questions without losing my composure. How do you ask someone why they don't want YOU anymore? Especially when deep down, you have that little voice telling you that spilling the beans about being pregnant was a mistake - that if nobody knew, at least I couldn't wonder if that is playing into their decision. I don't know what will come out of that meeting, if anything... I don't know what the state budget will look like, and I don't know if I will have a job in the fall...

In all of this panic and uncertainty, I am left wondering how - without a job, benefits, any certainty at all - will we be able to take care of this tiny little person we will be bringing into the world. We cannot pay our bills on Derek's salary alone - bottom line, it isn't possible. And that's just our bills now - when the baby comes I can't even imagine how much they will increase. I'm not on Derek's insurance because we were trying to save money, so if I lose my job I have to (if I'm allowed) pick up and pay the premiums because I'll be due a month AFTER I get canned. That could be $300+ a month! Unemployment is a possibility but it won't pay for enough. I took out disability insurance so that when we did get pregnant my salary would be protected - I've been paying in $100 each month and if I lose my job, I also lose the $900 in premiums that I've paid. I'm sick (literally) just thinking about it - I know that everyone says there is never a "good" time to have a baby but I want to be able to provide anything this kid needs and right now I feel like I can't even promise to know how we are going to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads. I'm scared and now that Derek is beginning to worry it seems more real. He is always the one to keep my feet on the ground and make sure that I don't freak out too much. Today he wrote a letter to the editor and didn't have a lot of encouraging words when I talked to him. I think he is finally realizing that we really have no control over this and that it is a very real possibility that we are going to be in a serious bind this fall. Obviously I'm saving every penny I can, am paying off all the excess bills, and getting everything in order, but that won't save us for long. I guess I need to quit venting here and go prepare my list of questions... keep your fingers crossed that the state gets it's head out of it's ass and realizes that cutting education is the stupidest thing they could do... I'll write more when I know more...

11 Week Update...

Found this from a bumpie and think I will use it in my posts:

How far along? 11 weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: Okay - I'm being honest here and that takes guts... 8 pounds gained. Gulp!!
Maternity clothes? Yes - I give up. Comfort trumps style.
Stretch marks? No, thank God for small favors.
Sleep: Can't get enough but the last two nights have been restless and I've been up earlier than I wanted to (read: 9am)
Best moment this week: Not throwing up!!! Wahoo!!
Movement: Nope
Food cravings: The one thing that alwasys sounds good is Quizno's (Chicken Carbonara... mmmmmm)
Gender: Still hoping for a girl...
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: My coffee...oh Starbucks!
What I am looking forward to: A short week at work = more time relaxing and blogging
Weekly Wisdom: Keep up on housework and laundry so you can relax on Sundays!
Milestones: Not a "high risk" pregnancy anymore!!!

The Queen of Frumpiness...

I doubt that "frumpiness" is even a word - but, alas, I am the Queen of it.

I can only describe this feeling by rewinding my life a few years to the first time I flew down to Arizona to see my parents. My mom and I went shopping at the Scottsdale Mall, something I had been dying to do. As we wandered through the stores, however, I began to realize something - the girls there were all prettier, skinnier, and much MUCH wealthier that I was. Every store we went in, there were hoardes of them - dropping $500 dollars without batting an eye, middle schoolers with authentic Coach bags (something I had to wait until I was out of college for!!!), perfect size 0 bodies, tanned skin, styled hair... I wanted to run them all over with a Mac truck. It took weeks (and returning to Yakima) to start feeling "normal" again. I've never hated my looks, I have always managed to stay in some semblence of shape, and I've always felt like I had the things I needed (plus enough of what I wanted, to get by) but Scottsdale really screwed that up for me.

Now, some 3 years later - I find myself in tiny, little, hicktown Yakima and feeling like a lost girl in Scottsdale. I hate skinny people. All of them. Even if I love them, I secretly want to kick them in the shins right now. I was a twig all the way through highschool, gained a few appropriate college pounds at Wazzu, and then a married pound or two for good measure. But I've always stayed in shape and my clothes, for the most part have stayed the same size since I graduated from WSU. Now, I'm a bloated disaster. While the tiny peanut growing in my ute is only the size of a lime - I look like I'm carrying a small honeydew. My fingers are swollen and it's only a matter of days or weeks before I can't get my wedding ring on anymore. There is cellulite on my freaking ass (this was hands down the most horrifying revelation so far in pregnancy - forget constipation and peeing every 8 seconds - my butt looks disgusting!!!!). And what's worse? It seems to have appeared overnight. Add to that my fear of stretch marks and spider veins and you can see that this is going to be a rough ride!

Now I always swore that when I got pregnant I'd be eating salad and plain chicken, drinking lots of water and milk and exercising every day. I was not going to let weather or "being tired" get in the way of saying fit during pregnancy. Then I got pregnant... and everything changed. I can only liken the tiredness to staying up all night, working an 8 hour shift, running a marathon, completing my entire list of spring cleaning "to-do's", and then hosting a full holiday dinner. It's amazing. There are times when I think I could actually fall asleep in the shower/on the toliet/standing up/mid conversation (or blog for that matter). So all that energy that I thought I would have to work out, get the house ready, and still be social - (laughs) is taken up simply but doing the bare minimum to get through the day and collect a paycheck. So once, maybe twice a week, I get enough of a burst of energy to talk the dog for a walk or lift weights (I'm terrified of fat arms!!) - but other than that, I'm either curled up on the couch or in bed as soon as I'm home from work.

I honestly can't remember ever criticizing one of my friends or family members during pregnancy - I've always thought that pregnant women were beautiful. I was envious of their glow, their big bellies, and nothing else really mattered. Now, when I go to work or out with friends, I'm constantly worried that people are silently lecturing me in their heads, telling me not to get "too fat" during the next 6 1/2 months. I'm totally parinoid. It's annoying.

I honestly don't know the point of this blog - I just got out of the shower, took one look at myself, and figured I had better write something down or I might explode. You would think that I would now be motivated to take the dog for a walk... but the cat is snoring and reminding me that it's Sunday afternoon and a nap sounds mighty fine... ::yawns::

Everything it's cracked up to be....

Pregnancy, that is. Today is a pretty big day - I'm 11 weeks and no longer considered "high risk" because we heard a good, strong heartbeat last night at our appointment. The doctor said that from here on out we will be treated like a "normal" (haha) pregnancy. Once a month appointments and our big ultrasound at 21 weeks. I can't even explain how happy I am to hear that things are going well, baby is healthy, and so far - everything looks great...

But...

That still leaves me with debilitating morning sickness, heartburn, bloat and gas that is undescribable (lucky for you), funky pains, exhaustion beyond belief, and the need to pee at least 100 times a day... Add to that the INSANE hormones and you have one messed up little pregnant person. I cried on my way to work today... why, you ask? Oh, because I had to wave goodbye to Derek on my way out - don't ask why that made me cry, just go with it. My students seem to be getting less independent as the year goes on... I am painfully aware of how many times I get asked the EXACT SAME question each day - and when I got in my car last night, I screamed and banged my fists on the steering wheels (totally looked like a scene from "The Whole Nine Yards")...

So you would think that I would call one of the 5 pregnant people I know who are due right around the same time as me and vent to them, or at least make sure I'm not crazy. But I don't - I feel like I'm all alone in this and like nobody understands. More than anything, I want to be with my parents (and I will at the end of the month, if I haven't been committed by then...) Parents take care of you in a way that nobody else can... I can't describe it any other way. This is one of the first times in my life that I really REALLY wish I had a sister - someone close to me that I could be honest with about how I'm feeling. I have always loved that I was an only child but now, I feel like I'm missing something. Derek tries to understand but he's not going through this the way I am - and half the time, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm crazy... :/

I don't know why I'm writing this - I guess I needed to say it somewhere... now that my venting is complete, I should go get some work done... adios.