A letter to myself at 20...

First picture [age 20] taken circa 2002 on Dad's weekend at WSU {and obviously not on a digital camera}, second picture [age 31] taken this fall. We are in the process of selling/packing/eventually moving and I wanted to participate in this post but wasn't about to climb into the attic to retrieve a photo from EXACTLY ten years ago. Please forgive.

Dear 20 year-old self,

As I sit here and look at your smiling face I find myself trying to think of the things that you need to know to survive the next ten years. You are so young right now - although as a new college student, finally living on your own, and experiencing life in a whole new way - you think that you've finally made it to the adult world. There is so much that lies ahead of you - both good and bad. You will experience some of the highest peaks and lowest valleys in the next decade but you will come out of it a better person - stronger, wiser, and with a vision of what you want the next ten years to look like.

You are two years out of high school and starting fresh at WSU. Little do you know, you have already met the man you are going to marry and with whom you will create a family you never dared to dream of having. You will cross paths with him several times and through mutual friends, you'll spend time together. Then, one night - when you have been careless and others have malice on their minds, he will save you. He will carry you home, keep you safe, and respect you enough to keep his distance. The next morning you will understand how much differently the situation could have been. You will start the friendship and eventually the relationship that will lead to your vows just a few short years from now. On your wedding day, you will be caught up in all the details and emotions, and the idea of being husband and wife. Shortly thereafter, you will buy your first home, start to search for a career, and begin to think about a family of your own.

During these first few years of marriage you will learn a lot about yourself and about your husband. First, and foremost, that neither one of you are perfect. You will learn to fight and make up, negotiate and compromise. You will find yourself wanting to throw in the towel somedays and others you will be hoping and praying that he doesn't give up on you. You will learn that you picked up more from your parents' relationship than you ever thought possible - about roles in a marriage, acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and you will discover that you are very much like both of your parents - much to your surprise.

You will decide that you no longer have the desire to find  your birth parents - something that you have waited for all your life. You will finally be mature enough to see that you have all the family you could ever need and that no stranger - blood relative or not - could be more important that that.

As a result of your first degree, which you earned carelessly I might add, you will find yourself unable to settle on a career. You will go to work for a small school district tutoring middle school students and working at a summer camp your first year. That experience will show you that your guidance counselor wasn't crazy and that teaching really is the profession you want to dedicate your life to. You will go back to school at night and will come out with a teaching degree and dreams of educating middle schools in literature and writing. That summer you will search for work and miss out on one opportunity after another. You will be devastated but it will work out perfectly because a language arts position will open up at the school you had been dreaming of teaching at and you will find yourself setting up your classroom that August.You will spend each year trying new things - some that will succeed and some that will fail. You will have the chance to find friendship among your colleagues and they will mentor you and guide you when you get in over your head. You will come to love your students and will learn that middle school truly is your calling. You will watch your first group of 8th graders move on to high school and you will be there in the stands, cheering them on the day they graduate.

You will decide to start a family and after two years you will begin to feel the stress and weight that come with infertility. You will meet with doctors and surgeons and specialists who will all tell you that, while having a baby is not impossible for you, it is not likely. You will suffer through tests and procedures and will again and again hear the same devastating news. You will reach a low at this point - you will feel inadequate because you can't give your husband the child you both want so badly. You'll question whether it's fair for him to have to be married to you even though he will reassure you every day that there is no place else he'd rather be. You will finally hit a wall where the options will have run out - you're young and there won't be enough money saved up for IVF. You will give up on trying to have a baby and simply try and get yourself back together. One of the ways you will do this is through acupuncture. One month after you meet with the naturopathic doctor, who is also your friend, you will discover that you are pregnant. It will be a Sunday morning in mid-January and you will go to church and cry throughout the sermon in sheer relief and awe. You will learn several months into pregnancy that, although your body was able to get pregnant, it is not well suited for staying that way. At 28 weeks you will be put on bed rest until your due date. It will be miserable but you will crawl into bed one night after watching the Seahawks game and wake a short while later to your water breaking. You and Derek will rush to the hospital and the next afternoon you will welcome a beautiful, healthy baby girl into this world. Motherhood will change you on a molecular level that there are not words to explain. The center of your universe will shift and your purpose, your life, will revolve around this precious baby girl.

It won't take long for you to discover that parenthood is both exhilarating and terrifying, energizing and exhausting. You'll forget what it means to sleep until 10am or to drop everything and drive to the beach or to a movie. You'll learn that you never leave the house without a diaper bag and a change of clothes and that any errand you run will take twice as long to prepare for and twice as long to complete. You will watch this little baby that you nurtured and carried for nine months grow into a baby, and a toddler, and then a child. You will marvel at how fast the time flies and how much things can change in week, a day, even an hour. You'll learn what it means to have a blood relative for the first time and it will give you a sense of belonging and home that you have never known before. That little girl will teach you patience {and test it} and will give you the chance to see the world through a new, fresh pair of eyes. You will marvel at snow and pretty rocks and stop to watch the leaves blow across the park. You'll take her to the ocean and watch her squeal and kick and the salt water washes over her and the seaweed tickles her feet. You will look at her and realize that you never fully understood what love was until she came into your life. You will also want her to have the one thing that was missing from your life as a child - a sibling.

You will fight the same battle to get pregnant again but after six months you will see that + sign appear. You will know in your heart this time that something isn't right but you will refuse to admit it to anyone. Less than a week after discovering the pregnancy, you will discover the blood. You will find yourself in a sterile ER room, looking at an ultrasound, and listening to the doctor explain that there is nothing there anymore. The life that was growing inside you will have vanished and you will feel the soul crushing loss of a child. You will want to curl up and die those next few days and the agony will drive you to scream one moment and cry the next and stare blankly at the wall after that. You will find yourself sobbing on the bathroom floor and a tiny pair of arms will wrap themselves around you and a little girl will crawl in your lap. She won't say anything, but the tears in her eyes will be enough for you to see that you have to be strong and you have to pull through because that beautiful little girl is counting on you. So you will start to piece yourself back together. You will reconsider for a while the idea of having another baby - the fear of another loss outweighing the potential joy of another life.

Not long after the loss of the baby, you will be hit with equally devastating news. You're dad will go in for a routine appointment for back pain and will discover that he has multiple myeloma - a cancer that is eating away his spine and bones. You will watch your dad age ten years in the matter of a few short weeks and will find yourself in mid-summer, sitting next to his hospital bed, holding his hand, and praying to God that he will pull through. You will stare at the tubes running in and out of his body, hear about the chemicals being pumped into him every day, and watch as he becomes more fragile with every passing hour. There will be a point where you believe that he won't pull through - and for the first time in your life you will begin to realize the gaping whole that would be left if he were not to survive. Thankfully, he has taken care of himself and has the stubborn, iron will that you have inherited and you will watch him slowly, painfully slowly, begin to return to his former self. It will take cutting edge science and months of rehabilitation but eventually, the dad that you have known and loved all your life will start to make his recovery.

You will decide to try to have another baby and just before your 30th birthday, you'll discover you are pregnant again. This time, the baby will stick but you're pregnancy will be wrought with preterm labor and bed rest again. You will make it to 29 weeks this time but in mid-February, you'll rush to the hospital with contractions and learn that you can either stay there for the next 11 weeks or stay at home in bed. So again, you will find yourself on bed rest - but this time will be so much harder. You will be a bystander to your daughter's life for what will feel like an eternity. She will come to expect you to be in bed, will understand that you can't play with her because 'your tummy hurts', and will turn to her daddy to meet all her needs. And just like always, he will be amazing. He will parent, keep house, care for you, work, and still manage to have a smile on his face most days. When you go into labor this time, it won't be on your own terms. The baby will be in distress and  you will be induced. It will be terrifying to watch the heart monitor for hours on end and wonder if everything is going to be okay. But you will deliver a perfect baby boy the next day who was simply wearing his umbilical cord around his neck. You will learn again what true love is and you will realize that, with each child, your capacity for love only grows bigger. You will fall in love with this little boy and you will be brought to tears watching his big sister fawn over him every chance she gets. He won't stay little for long and before you know it you'll be watching him crawl across the floor as you are searching Pinterest for 1st birthday party themes.

The next ten years will probably be filled with more change than at any other point in your life. You will have to be strong, have faith in God and the people you choose to surround yourself with, and realize that no good thing in this world comes without hard work and dedication. A good marriage is work. Being a good parent is work. Being an educator is work. Maintaining worthwhile friendships is work. Nothing good in this life comes for free... but it is so worth the effort that you will put into it. You will look back on yourself in ten years and wonder where the time is gone, wonder where those wrinkles came from, and when 9pm became your bedtime. You will still feel like you are a 20 year old impostor - pretending to be someone much more accomplished and mature than you really are. You have an amazing path laid out in front of you. Enjoy it. Savor every moment because minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days to weeks, and weeks to years... and in the blink of an eye you'll be 31 and left wondering where all the time has gone.

Love,

Me

-------

Linkin up with MamaKat

Cohen's Surgery...

Today was the day.

I kissed my baby boy and handed him to a stranger in scrubs {albeit a nice one} who took him away to a surgical suite. He was put under general anesthesia, given an IV, and a plastic surgeon removed the skin tag and underlying cartilage from his right ear. In return I was given a Motorola pager and told to report back to the desk when it went off. I have to say, it was not a fair trade. Derek and I went upstairs and got ourselves some Starbucks for breakfast and waited nervously for the stupid thing to beep. We finally gave up and decided to go sit in the lobby so we would be right there when they paged us... it went off as we stepped into the elevator. We waited in a room for the surgeon to come and update us and started to get panicked when we heard that the family that was put in the room next to us was receiving 'bad news' {we don't know what, they closed the door}. We had also been put in one of the two 'private' counseling rooms, instead of the more public cubical conference rooms in the waiting area. Every terrifying thought that can go through a mother's head started right then and by the time the doctor came in to tell us that everything was fine, the tears were welling up in my eyes. But, EVERYTHING WAS FINE. We waited again, this time for him to come out of recovery so we could cuddle him and feed him and snuggle him... and it felt like we waited forever. But finally, a blanket with a familiar fuzzy head came around the corner and my boy was back in my arms, hungry and demanding food, which was a wonderful sign. He ate, we snuggled, I finally took a full breath and after three hours of waiting for it to be over.

When Cohen was born I didn't even notice the ear tag... everybody always jokes about how they count their baby's fingers and toes to make sure everything was perfect but it took the pediatrician pointing it out at his first check-up (12ish hours old) for me to even know it existed. And for some reason, that fact made me feel so awful - how could I have not noticed this thing on my child that a perfect stranger picked up on in a few seconds. And then I felt awful because I couldn't believe something was 'wrong' {this was 12 hours postpartum, exhausted, hormonal me thinking - not me now} with my baby and so I felt the need to point it out and explain it to everyone, so they wouldn't wonder what it was. And then I felt awful for deciding to have it removed. I know it was the right decision - it would continue to grow and could impact him when he's older. The chinstrap on a football helmet would rub on it or the jerks in middle school would say something mean - and we wanted to prevent that if we could. But honestly, I fell in love with that little nub. It was part of my boy - my perfect, sweet, amazing little boy. And a part of me feels that by opting to remove it we are somehow sending a message that he wasn't perfect, that he needed to be 'fixed' and that is something that this mama's heart is going to have to wrestle with. I know to the rest of the world it's a small matter - but I want my babies to know that I love them unconditionally and they are perfect and beautiful - no matter what. So today was bittersweet... I believe that we did what was right and healthy {this type of defect can [rarely] be a sign of other developmental problems but Cohen doesn't have any of the signs. However, the nub was sent to the pathology lab just to be safe.}.

So it was a hard day - a long trip over the mountains in torrential rain, an early 3am feeding, followed by a happy baby who thought 3am was the PERFECT time to play and chatter, a 4:45am wake-up call to get ready and get to the hospital, a 6:45 am check in time, an 8am surgery, and a 10am drive back home. Luckily, Addison was ready for a nap {as was her brother and parents}, so we all got a two hour siesta and were surprised by our neighbor who brought us a delicious home cooked meal. 

At the days end, the only thing that matters is that my baby boy is sleeping soundly in his crib and that his sister's first words when we got home were, "Is baby Cohen's ear all better?". I love my babies, so much that sometimes it hurts.

Cohen was DETERMINED to steal Daddy's ID badge... it was a fun game while we were waiting for surgery.

My Bub's little nub...

All ready to go and rockin' the hospital gown... Derek wouldn't let me take a picture with his little bum hanging out :)

A much deserved meal after a long morning!

This was almost as painful for me to deal with as the surgery... :(

No more nub, just a band aid and some stitches... sorry it's blurry - 6 month old boys fresh out of surgery aren't particularly cooperative when it comes to picture taking.

 {Thank you Instagram for allowing me to document this entire process AND edit photos at the same time...}

Becoming a family of four...

The arrival of Cohen has been the most talked about and most anticipated event in our house for the past nine months. We have anxiously awaited the moment where Addison would become a big sister and we would be able to share our new son with the world.

Addison's first moments with Cohen were while we were in the hospital and it's one of the moments that I regret the most from this whole experience. I was stranded in the bathroom for the first thirty minutes of Addison's time with Cohen. Then I had to spend the next 30 minutes with three nurses and a catheter while my new little family waited in the hall. I missed Addison's first reaction and first moments with Cohen. I wasn't present when my family of three officially became a family of four and that breaks my heart. I didn't get to see the look on Addison's face when she saw her brother for the first time and I didn't get to watch as she took in his tiny features for the first time.

I really didn't get to see any interaction between my two babies until after we got home from the hospital. I've wondered all along how Addison would handle all of the change that goes along with a new sibling and despite the fact that my 'spirited' child is still just as spirited - I feel like she's handling it really well. She's constantly concerned about 'baby Cohen' and what we are doing with him. She asks where he is and what he's doing, she asks to see Cohen first thing in the morning after waking up, and wants to make sure that he is in his swing and content before we eat dinner. She wants to hold him and give him kisses and she would give ANYTHING to put him in with her babies and push him in one of her strollers. She loves showing off her baby brother to new visitors and peeking in on him when he's nursing or sleeping or being changed... or just hanging out. Addison wants to be a good big sister and she is trying so hard. We still have to work on how to handle baby - I was putting him in her lap yesterday and she grabbed him in a bear hug to hold him. She wants to give him all her toys - even the ones that are bigger than he is. She would love to feed him [crackers, juice, grapes... anything] and doesn't really understand why or how mom's boob is the one place where this baby gets his meals. Sometimes, especially when she's extra excited, she bounces around and the potential for wonking her brother on the head increases exponentially - these are the moments when we have to redirect her or help her find a way to show her energy without pouncing on anybody.

Becoming a family of four didn't go exactly how I planned it in my mind. I visualized holding Cohen and having Addison crawl up into the hospital bed with me where we quietly marveled at the tiny man who just entered our lives. We would hold him and talk about how small he was and she would get to give him a kiss for the first time. I visualized all this happening in a quiet moment which would be captured on film and memorialized forever on our fridge. Instead I was crying on the toilet and trying to listen to what was happening in the other room. Instead of a warm fuzzy family moment, Addison was wound up and getting in trouble for running/climbing/crawling/toddlering, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't focus on anything but getting relief, and most of the interactions between my children took place in the hallway of the hospital. It wasn't what I had planned and I was disappointed when the moment had passed and I realized that we didn't get a do-over. But, despite all that, we did become a family of four that day. It may not have gone the way I had planned [I don't even have a picture of us from that day] but we made it, and that is what counts in the end.

Addison holding baby Cohen's hand...

My babies <3

Addison couldn't WAIT to put Cohen in his baby swing. She helped mommy and daddy put it together last week!

My big girl <3

Cohen's Birth Story

Well, I have to give it to my children... they certainly do know how to make an entrance.

I spent Tuesday morning doing housework and weeding the vegetable garden in hopes that I would somehow jump-start labor. After my shower and lunch I started having contractions and by 2pm they were painful enough and close enough that I started thinking about calling Derek. At 3pm I gave in and called him and told him that he needed to come home so we could head to the hospital. His dad came over to watch Addison and we left for the hospital. We checked in to L&D at 4pm and the nurses hooked me up to the monitors to check my contractions and see how baby was handling everything. My contractions slowed down a bit once we got there [go figure, my uterus NEVER wants to behave] and Derek and I started talking about how we most certainly about to get sent home. I was dilated to 1cm and 60% effaced which wasn't much of a change from my appointment last week. After a while the nurse came in and looked over the print-out from the monitor. She wasn't impressed with the contractions [and neither were we] but she was concerned about Cohen's fetal monitor strip. Each time I had a contraction, Cohen's heart rate would drop significantly. It wasn't the fact that it dropped that was concerning but WHEN it dropped [after the contraction instead of during it]. There is certain criteria that the fetal print-out has to meet in order for patients to be sent home and our information didn't meet the criteria to go home. The nurse said that the strip was 'concerning' but not 'worrysome' which, of course, left me worrying like crazy. They called Dr. H to see what he thought about the situation and he came over to the hospital to talk with us and do an ultrasound to see if he could figure out what was going on. The ultrasound didn't help us much - we couldn't see where the cord was [and the suspicion was that it was pinned between his skull and my pelvis] but we did see that Cohen was not nearly as active as he normally was and seemed to be staying in a 'sleep cycle' despite being poke, prodded, and having loud noises played up against my tummy. Dr. H explained that while he didn't feel like we needed to deliver right that moment but that baby was definitely sending the message that he wanted out sooner rather than later and that meant inducing my labor right away.

Hospital bling...

The infamous 'strip' that started it all...

At 7pm we were admitted to the hospital and moved into room 428, two door down from where I delivered Addison. Once we got settled the nurse came in and started my IV and started my Pitocin drip. I started having more regular, stronger contractions around 10pm but Cohen's heart rate dropped several times and set off all the alarms on the monitors so they backed off the Pitocin drip for several hours. Derek and I tried to get some sleep over night but with the nurse checking my vitals every 30 minutes and being hooked up to an IV and having to pee every hour or so, sleep was kind of a joke. As the night progressed, the nurse continued to increase my Pitocin dose because my contractions kept petering off and stalling out. At 5am the contractions started to get a lot more intense - enough that I couldn't play Scramble with Friends during one [that's how we measure contractions around here...] They were really strong but not unbearable and I wanted to go as long as I could before getting my epidural because when I had Addison the epidural caused my labor to stall out. Dr. H came in at 7am to check me - I was dilated to a whopping 2 cm and 80% effaced. He opted to break my water to get things rolling. My water broke on it's own with Addison so I didn't realize what I was in for during that procedure. I think I about crawled out the top of the bed while breaking Derek's hands - it was horrifically painful. After that, the contractions started coming A LOT stronger, longer, and closer together and I was left crying and hanging on to the bed rail begging for the epidural. My heroics of waiting for labor to progress further went right out the window and thankfully we didn't have to wait too long for the anesthesiologist to get there and get started. At 8am they started the epidural and I finally got some relief from the pain. I was way more comfortable afterward and was able to play on Facebook, play Words, and text friends while we were waiting and chatting with our nurses. At 10:30 I told the nurse that I was feeling some pressure with each contraction and she decided to check me - I was dilated to 8 cm and almost completely effaced. I was surprised that things went so fast after breaking my water and finally had hope that we were going to have a normal delivery and not a c-section. We thought it'd be another hour or so before it was time to push but 20 minutes later I was feeling more pressure and when the nurse checked me she said it was time to go. They broke down the room and got ready and some time around 11am Dr. H arrived and I started to push. It took 6 or 7 contractions worth of pushing to deliver Cohen - almost twice as long as it took with Addison and by the time he was born at 11:20am, I was EXHAUSTED. I don't know how women push for hours on end - I would most certainly die or pass out if that was the case!

Cohen Jeffrey Tweedy was born at 11:20am on Wednesday, April 25th 2012. He weighed 6 lbs. 14 oz [EXACTLY the same weight as his sister] and was 20 inches long.

Our first seconds as new parents...

Streeeeetch!!!

He's giving the nurse the side-eye for taking his vitals...

All bundled up...

Proud Papa...

My new little man...

 

Sleeping like a baby...

He looks too little to be in this giant car seat!!

Getting ready to head home...

Recovery and Postpartum...

Delivery is hard... I don't think that is any big surprise. However, delivering Cohen was significantly more difficult that delivering Addison, despite them being the same size. It took me almost twice as long to push him out and I feel like the aftermath of his birth was harder on my body this time around. I'm almost 100% convinced that my tailbone is severely bruised and I wouldn't be surprised at all if someone told me it was actually broken - the pain that I feel every time I sit down or bend over is excruciating. Add to that the joy of an episiotomy and you can imagine that my girl parts have seen better days. One thing that was much different with Cohen is that after delivery I was totally unable to pee due to the massive swelling. When Dr came to check on me I was sitting on the potty crying because I was in such pain from trying to pee. He sent for a nurse to re-insert a catheter and drain my bladder. Placing the catheter was almost as painful as the contractions I was feeling after Dr broke my water - it was horrible. Once they got it in, they drained 1600 ml of pee out of my bladder (FYI - that's almost a 2 liter)... the nurse said that with that amount of fluid my bladder had been the size of a newborn. No wonder it hurt like hell! The catheter was left in overnight and ended up being a lifesaver. When they removed it the next morning I was able to pee without any pain (hallelujah!).

The only thing that we left behind at the hospital that made me sad was the nurses. We were blessed (again) to have some of the most wonderful nurses that I've ever met. Some were new to us - Christa, Becky, Jamie, and Pat... and one was dear to our hearts from when we had Addison - Carla. They made the difference in everything - from finding out that things weren't ideal with Cohen's vitals and the stress and tears that followed that, to the painful contractions, and right on through delivery.

I'm just thankful that, despite all the challenges of this pregnancy and birth, this little man is healthy, happy, and sweeter than we ever could have hoped for... Now my new challenge will be to learn how to be a parent of two little munchkins =] I'm sure there will never be a dull moment...

Bittersweet...

Today I had a moment... I'm not sure if it was a result of pregnancy hormones or just the sheer realization of how drastically our lives are about to change but it hit me like a ton of bricks.

In the face.

Hard.

In a very short while, Addison will no longer be my only baby. She will always be my baby girl, my first love... but she won't be my only love anymore. Very soon there will be another little love in our lives, with his own charm and personality and Addison will no longer be the sole focus of my motherly affection. I feel like somehow, I'm about to 'cheat' on my baby girl.

I'm not sure why that realization brought tears to my eyes today [and again as I'm writing this] - I am thrilled that we are having Cohen and knowing that Addison will have a sibling by her side no matter what life throws at her is the best gift I can give her as a parent. But just as I had to mourn the life we had before we became parents and put the fancy dinners and shopping sprees and vacations aside for mac-n-cheese and Gymboree and trips to the park, I have to mourn the fact that I will never again be 'just Addison's mommy'.

We went to the park after daycare to play for a bit while the carpets were drying and I watched her run and climb and slide and play and it really sunk in. I will be a mommy of two very soon - two sets of needs to balance, two opinions to weigh, two tiny people will be vying for my attention - and I will have to share it. Cohen will never know what it's like to be the 'only one' - he will always have had to share us with his sister. But Addison will know, and once Cohen arrives her life is going to be thrown into upheaval - a different schedule, shared attention... things that I never dealt with as an only child and have no way of preparing her for. I realize that in the long run, she won't remember this time before Cohen - when she looks back at her life it will seem like he has always been there. Maybe that is the part that I'm mourning - that she won't remember this special time, these past two years where it's just been the three of us even though the memories we have from the last two years are some of the most special and dear to my heart. Maybe it's the fact that she will no longer be the baby - that Cohen will take that role and that somehow we're 'replacing' her. I don't know...

As I'm writing this, I'm frustrated because I can't put words together to explain how or why this hurts my heart so much - part of me feels like a terrible parent for being sad at a time when I should be nothing but excited and anxious, part of me feels like admitting this makes me a bad mother and that people are going to read this post and think less of me, and part of me just feels heartbroken and lost for words.  But most of me - all of me - wishes I could freeze time for just a few moments and memorize these last few days... just like I did when she was a newborn and I swore I'd never forget how tiny she felt in my arms or how her little foot fit just along the inside of my thumb... but I can't remember how tiny she felt. And I'm scared that I will lose this special bond that we have and the thought of losing that terrifies me more than anything on this planet.

My big girl can climb like a pro...

She was taking my order at the drive up window...

One of our last days as the dynamic duo... <3

Raising my spirited child...

Yup... This one.

I don't normally do book reviews on this blog - I have a GoodReads.com account for that. However, this book was different and since I took pages of notes while reading it, I thought I might as well put them somewhere where I can refer back to them and where other parents of 'spirited' children (I grin as I say that) can possibly relate. 

This book was recommended to me by our daycare provider and friend... she was reading it and mentioned that during a large part of the book she found herself saying, "That sounds a lot like Addison!" Uh-oh. =] So, since I have been at my wits end with this little munchkin, I hopped on Barnes and Noble, ordered it and have spent the past couple of months reading it. It did take me a while to get through but that was more because of that huge amount of information I was trying to process, not a reflection of the quality of book. I fully intend to read it again in a couple of years, when Addison is older, because I'm sure that I'll need to tweak my approach to just about every aspect of parenting again when we get closer to pre-school and kindergarten (gulp). So, what you are about to read are my note/reflections/musings that I jotted down while reading - this is NOT a summary of the book, you'll have to read it yourself for that. This is, however, how the book applies to my very 'spirited' two and a half year old.

First off, a look at the traits that we see in Addison as they relate to the book...

Addison is extremely extroverted. For her to 'refuel' she needs to feed off of people around her - playing, talking, cuddling, or whatever she can do to be near the people she loves. She (like her mama, the blogger) is an 'over-sharer' of emotions - she doesn't hold anything back and isn't afraid to tell the world when she is happy, excited, disappointed, mad, etc. 

The next trait discussed in the book is intensity. If you have met my child, you know she is very intense - her reactions are super strong, whether they are positive or negative. She's not just happy, she's ecstatic. She's not just upset, she's devastated. Her emotional pendulum swings higher that most of her little friends. She doesn't just cry when she's upset, she explodes. When she's happy, she squeals and screams. She can go from one extreme emotion to the other and back again in a matter of minutes. Sometimes, she gets so upset that she really does need our help calming down - hugs and soothing voices to get her off that 'intense' ledge because the feelings that she is having can make her feel out of control and scared. We have to keep that in mind and instead of getting on her case about being so amped up, we need to help her learn to calm down by teaching her to relax and breathe. If we get irritated or yell, it's just going to send her farther into the 'red zone'. We also need to keep in mind that this kid is full of emotions and that running and playing and being active each day can help her alleviate some of the intensity she's feeling.

The third trait is persistence and I really feel like Addison demonstrates this in certain areas but not across the board. If she wants something - a snack, Bubble Guppies, juice, to play on the slide, whatever it is - she doesn't give up. You don't get to distract this child with alternate activities. Once she has zoned in on something - it's got her full attention. Sometimes, if we fight her on something, even once she gets it she's still upset. For example, she dropped her baby in the car one day and I couldn't reach it while driving. She wailed all the way to the grocery store that she wanted her baby and when we got there and I was able to give it to her - she STILL wailed that she wanted her baby, even though it was in her arms. We need to try and give her a say in certain things - choosing between two healthy snacks, picking out jammies, picking her bedtime story, etc. so she can feel in control of some parts of her day. 

The next trait is sensitivity and I feel like she shows this a lot. Much of the chapter is dedicated to kids who are sensitive to textures and what they wear and THAT part doesn't really apply to Addison (except that she hates tags and socks). However, she is very sensitive to hot and cold - sometimes we think she's just being a pain, but I'm starting to think she really does find that her food or bath water or sweater is too hot and it irritates her. She moves constantly to get comfortable - readjusting blankets, requiring pillows, stuffed animals, etc. to be just right before she can relax. She is a SUPER light sleeper and has been from the very beginning - and disturbance in light or sound and she's wide awake and wondering what's going on. She also tells us that she's hurt - ALL. THE. TIME. It's been driving us nuts but now I'm wondering if she really isn't displaying hyper-sensitivity to how things feel. I know that people would look at me like I was crazy if they saw me try to walk barefoot on concrete because, even if it's smooth, it hurts my feet. I think she may be the same way, things that hurt, really hurt her and she needs reassurance that it's going to be okay.

I think that perceptiveness is definitely one of her strong traits. When she gets focused on something, she completely zones out. We like to joke and call it 'screensaver mode' because she locks in to whatever she is watching/doing and truly doesn't hear or see us trying to get her attention. I could be screaming her name and she wouldn't even flinch. She doesn't like to be distracted from something that she's devoting her attention to - she gets upset when she has to stop an activity that she's enjoying. When we are trying to get her attention and move her from one activity to the next we have to be really careful to get down to her level, make eye contact, and give her precise directions.

Another strong trait is adaptability. Transitions are really hard for her and are the source of most of our meltdowns during the day. Things like mealtime, leaving daycare, stopping a TV show or playing, getting in and out of the car all test her limits and agitate her. She's not really a fan of surprises - it's important to tell her the schedule and stick to it and let her know who will be around. It's also really important to plan time for closure - we're asking for trouble if we just sweep in and expect her to be ready to go - tell her she can finish what she is doing and give her a chance to finish the activity (within reason). The author compared it to being all snuggled in and watching your favorite show and then having someone come in during the middle, turn it off, and tell you it was time to go. I have to admit, I'd be pissy too. It's also important for us to limit the number of transitions where we can (getting in and out of the car, different activities, etc.) to avoid overloading her.

The next trait is one of the first ones we discovered with Addison - irregularity. Since she was born, she has pooped, eaten, and slept according to her own 'schedule' (or lack thereof). She can goes days without pooping, is never hungry at the same time, and picks and chooses that days and times when she is willing to take a nap. Some days it's no nap at all, some days it's 30 minutes, and others it's 3 hours. You just never, ever know with this child.

Energy. Ha. Again... if you've met my daughter, you just know. If you haven't... well... energy is something she has endless amounts of... singing, dancing, running, jumping, squirming, climbing... she can do it all day and not get worn out. I did learn a few things in this chapter that I didn't fully realize... first, she doesn't get 'worn out' because she's not hyper - the energy we're seeing is her personality so she can go at full speed all day. Another is that we need to coach her and teach her how to be calm - how to walk calmly, speak quietly, and play quietly. She needs to learn the social situations when it's okay to play and run but also needs to realize that there are many times when those behaviors are not socially acceptable (classrooms, restaurants, doctors' offices, etc.). 

The final two traits in the book I didn't really feel applied to Addison. The first was 'first reaction' (in terms of new people, activities, or places). Addison is pretty comfortable going out and joining groups, staying in new places, or trying new things - one thing this child does not have is apprehension. The other trait that didn't really apply to her was mood. She can get mad and upset, don't get me wrong - but she isn't sullen or withdrawn when she's being herself. 

Other musings from the text...

It's easy to go overboard creating rules but the more we create the more we have to stick to and enforce. We really need to look at what is going on and ask ourselves the following questions:

- Is it safe?
- Are you respecting others?
- Are you respecting the environment?

If the answer is yes, then it's probably okay. If the answer is no, we need to redirect her.

Use "stop" instead of no. (We've started this and I really think it's helped a lot).

Pick your battles - if she doesn't want to eat, put it away. If she wants a snack later, she gets what is left of her meal. If she wants to eat with her fingers (or pizza with a fork), who care - as long as she's eating it doesn't really matter HOW she's eating.

Consequences need to fit the crime, especially for 2-4 year olds.  If she doesn't eat, she doesn't get any snacks, just her refused meal but don't take away play time or other things (story time) because she won't see the connection. Natural consequences are best - if you don't eat, you get hungry - this makes more sense to kids.

Don't use 'please' or 'okay' when giving a direction unless it's an option. Little kids don't understand the politeness aspect; they think you are really giving them a choice. Make the direction clear and to the point.

Make a point of telling her what she CAN do instead of what she CAN'T do - giving her options will help her comply while still feeling like she has a say and isn't in trouble.

Make eye contact... don't have your discussion until she's willing to make and keep eye contact, even if it means sitting out for a bit.

Transitions are hard for her - give her a heads up she can understand (NOT in minutes) like, 'after this show' or 'after we read this book' so she knows when a change is coming. Extra important when it’s an unexpected transition.

Tantrums for spirited kids are often spill over of building emotions, not just an attention getter. Look closely for the source...

Make a toddler survival kit for outings - wipes, snacks, juice box, crayons, coloring book, etcha sketch, and other quiet activities to take into places where 'spirited' behavior might not be appreciated.

Our tone of voice is important - if she's stressed or amped up, yelling or taking a 'stern' tone may just stress her out more. Talk quietly, but firmly.

Mealtime is a major source of contention in our house...

"You are responsible for the what, when, and where, of feeding. Your child is responsible for the how much, and the whether of eating. If parents provide opportunities throughout the day of healthy, balanced snacks and meals they have done their part - the rest lies on the shoulder of the child." 

We shouldn't over rule her if she says she isn't hungry or doesn't like something. Imagine being set down with someone else’s lunch and told you have to eat every piece whether you like it or not - not a good feeling. Addison has irregularity as one of her strongest traits - she doesn't doing anything according to s a set schedule - it's silly of us to think that she would eat according to one. 

Toddler portions are actually much smaller than we thing - 1/6 of an egg is their "serving" or two tablespoons of meat. We are giving her a lot more than that at each meal so she really is getting the nutrition she needs. 

Food should not be a punishment or a reward. This is a biggie - no food bribery (eat this and you can have desert) or 'you have to eat every bite (or five bites or whatever) because it tells her not to listen to her bodies cues for when she is full which is a huge cause of obesity. Offer a bit of everything and realize that while she may only eat one part of the meal today, she'll eat a different part tomorrow and that it will balance out. 

The two most important questions to ask a child is,” Are you hungry and,”Are you full?" Let them take it from there. 

Make sure the snacks she is getting are balanced - protein, carbs, little fat, and a fruit or veggie so that she doesn't feel constantly hungry. Then offer her a meal when dinnertime rolls around. If she doesn't eat, put it away and let her try again later. If she says she doesn't like something, that's okay. Keep giving it to her but realize that it can take twenty exposures before she decides its ok. Toddlers really typically only eat one good, solid meal a day - the rest of the time they pick and choose. 

It's normal for kids to put food in their mouths and spit it out - don't punish - she's not rejecting, she's experimenting, It's not okay to throw or drop food but if the amount is too large, the texture is new, the temperature is unexpected or any other factor she may need to spit it out.

Socializing...

We need to teach her how to wait and approach a group or activity without jumping in and taking over. We should physically show her how to leave enough space in-between bodies, praise her when she uses an inside voice. She doesn't know what we mean by "quiet voice" but if we catch her in the act she'll understand. 

When she flips out on someone, pull her aside and remind her it's not okay to hit/kick whatever other people and that she needs to use her words. If she’s too upset, pull her aside and make her wait until she calms down but then she needs to go say she's sorry - when she's older she needs to have dialog about what she and the other child were feeling.

Kids have tantrums - it's not realistic to expect them not to. It is realistic to set expectations for tantrums - for example, stomping and yelling/crying is okay but hitting or screaming in someone’s face/ear is not. There should also be a time limit on tantrums - for example, "You have five minutes to be mad, but then we are moving on." If they can't get it under wraps in five minutes, then there will be consequences after that. 

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Well... there you have it, my lessons in parenting from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. There is so much more in the book, especially as it relates to older children, school behavior, and other hot-spots that we haven't run into trouble with yet. I will most certainly find myself reading this again in a couple of years. Happy parenting!! ;]