Maybe this is my midlife crisis...

Maybe this is my midlife crisis.

If you had asked me two months ago what my plan for the future was, I wouldn't have even had to think about it. My future was working in Zillah, doing what I love, watching my kids grow up here, and being a part of the community that I love. This was my home. It was where I intended to put down my roots. I have spent 12 years working in the Zillah School District. I started as a para-pro at the elementary and worked while I put myself through night classes to earn my BA in Education. My dream from the start was to teach English or reading at the middle school in Zillah and that was the first position I was offered when I applied. It was perfect. As I grew to love the quirky middle school age group. I started coaching and eventually took on ASB which led to teaching a leadership class and running a mentoring program. I adored my job. 

Then this year happened. It was by far the most challenging year of my career - by miles. I started the year with a new principal and in the beginning, we got along great. We had similar ideas about student leadership and I thought that it was the beginning of a beautiful thing. It wasn't. In November I left for an NCTE conference in Atlanta. When my plane touched down and my notifications started coming in, I discovered that the guest speaker that I had booked and had approved a year in advance had been canceled without my knowledge or consent. To say that I was furious was an understatement. I had booked someone who would have had an amazing impact on our students. I could have dealt with being told that we had to cut the speaker but I believe strongly that I should have at least been consulted. If I hadn't heard from the company themselves, I wouldn't have even known that anything had happened. When I came home, I had to tell my ASB students that the speaker had been canceled and that instead, a friend of our principal would be speaking. I was angry and so were they. I know that I didn't keep some of my thoughts to myself and I should have but because of the way it was done, I had a lot of trouble with that.

A few weeks later we did our online StuCo survey. It is a routine that we do at the end of each semester to get a feel for what the student body is interested in for upcoming events and what suggestions they have for improving our school and activities. When the results came in and my students brought them to me, I was shocked. A significant number of the responses were related to our principal and they were incredibly negative and cruel. After sharing the results with her, she became convinced that somehow I was turning the students against her. Ironically, I was spending a lot of time trying to stop the negative comments about her - both in my content classes and in leadership. If you've ever worked with middle schoolers, you know how difficult that is. Needless to say, by Christmas break the tension was high. Things didn't get any better after we came back from break. In March I left for my ASB conference in Vancouver. The first day that I was gone was an in-service day for staff. First thing in the morning I started getting texts from coworkers that the topic of the morning was moving leadership to a before school class or an after school club - neither of which would work in our community. Again, I felt like as soon as I was out of the building, my program was on the table without me there to discuss or defend it. When I got back, I was reassured that the leadership program would stay and that things would go on pretty much as before.

Fast forward to May. Things were winding down for the year and I had started working on a presentation for some leadership kids to present at the board meeting at the end of May. We wanted to acknowledge the support that we had to put on new activities throughout the year and show them what we had planned for the coming year. I talked to the kids about presenting at the meeting and told them if they wanted to sign up to do it, we would put it on the agenda. Then we watched our TED talk for the day (if you haven't watched it, you should) about the use of language and the mindset that we have about gender roles. The speaker drops the f-bomb when quoting a player that she interviewed. A parent called the school the next day concerned about the content of the video. In hindsight, I should have sent home a note to parents about it and if it had been one of my ELA or history classes, I absolutely would have. However, in leadership, most of our conversations are about hard topics and I made the mistake of assuming that it was something they all could handle. My principal asked for the link so she could watch the video and then, throughout the rest of the day, students were pulled out of my classes and were interviewed. At the end of the day, some students came to me and confided in me the interviews made them really uncomfortable and that the questions were related to my character and the quality of teacher that they believed I am. I went into the weekend in tears, trying to understand what on earth I had done to make her question my character.

The following week, my union rep and I sat down with my principal and vice principal. She proceeded to tell me that she had interviewed students from my classes and that she believed that I was trying to pit students against her and that I was a poor role model for leadership. She had heard bits and pieces about students presenting to the board and somehow twisted it to believe that we were going to the board to try and get her fired. She could not have been further from the truth. She then told me that she was going to take my leadership program away from me and that I would no longer be the leadership teacher OR the ASB advisor at ZMS. My rep asked her if this was something that I could earn back if the following year went well and I was told, unequivocally, NO. Prior to the meeting, I had asked if I needed a rep, if there was some sort of discipline that I needed to be aware of, and I was told that there was no discipline to be assigned. After she told me that I would no longer be working with student leadership, I said I had been under the impression that no discipline was occurring. She smiled and said that it wasn't. She explained that she could assign or take away supplemental contracts as she saw fit. So I wasn't be disciplined but I was losing everything that I held dear. I lost it. I left school in hysterics. I went to my best friend's house and I bawled until I didn't have any tears left to cry. Then, I started updating my resume and applying for jobs. I knew that if I couldn't teach leadership or do ASB, the things that brought the deepest joy in my job, that I did not want to be a part of ZMS anymore. Leadership and ASB kept me grounded and made it so I could tolerate the bullshit that was thrown my way. I took two days off, updated my resume, and applied for several jobs around the valley.

The kicker came the day that I returned to work. A district administrator came to see me first thing in the morning and told me in no uncertain terms that the interviews and "investigation" did not yield ANY results that warranted discipline. Let me say that again - there wasn't anything in the investigation that HE conducted that warranted discipline. Then, a few days later I was visited by another administrator. He went on to tell me that the relationship between my principal and I was too toxic for us to continue in the same building. So, after 9 years at ZMS, I was told that I would be moved to a position at the elementary school. That sealed the deal for me. I was done with Zillah.

I have given 12 years to the Zillah School District and I intended to give my entire career to the students in Zillah. In nine short months, all of that was undone by one human. The saddest part is that I am not the only teacher at ZMS who has been put in this position, who has had to contact the union, who has considered leaving the district, who has felt isolated and unappreciated. I am one of several. In conversations with educators and administrators from other districts in the valley who have worked with this person, I am one of many. Prior to my resignation, I was told that I wasn't to share my story. Now that I am no longer a ZSD employee, I am exercising my right to free speech and I am sharing my story. I believe that I was treated unfairly and I believe that my reputation in Zillah speaks for itself. I know the truth about the situation and I know that truth about what went on in our building. I may not have been allowed to share it before, but I am choosing to share it now. I don't believe that silence solves anything.

It hasn't only been my career that has been impacted. This all came to a head as we were in the process of moving to Zillah. My commute has literally been flipped around. My kids will be in Zillah this year since we are living here but next year they will be moved to Selah. This has impacted every aspect of my life.

The saddest part of all of this and the actual point of this incredibly long post is that this entire year has made me question every part of myself. After I got the call from the principal in Selah, who expressed how excited he was to bring me on board, I realized how much my perception of myself had changed this year. I have always struggled with self-esteem but this year has been horrendous. I have questioned my ability as a teacher, as a wife, as a mom, and as a friend. I have doubted myself in every regard and I am so angry about it. I have lost an entire year of my life. I have lost a year of my kids' lives. I have been so depressed and full of self-loathing that I haven't been the wife or parent that I was designed to be. I will never get to go back and relive this time in my kids' lives, I can't go back and be more present in my marriage. I can't undo the poor decisions I made in regard to my health and wellness. I have lost an entire year to negativity, anger, doubt, fear, and hate. I am trying to find a healthy way to process that anger and harness it into being a better wife, a better mom, and a better human in general - but it is hard. I can choose to let it fester or I can write it out, share it, and move on with my life. I choose the latter.

I have a new chapter beginning - a new school, a new community, and new opportunities. I am excited and I am optimistic. I feel like in the weeks since I walked out of the middle school for the last time, I have started to see pieces of the real me again. I have started working out, playing with my kids, and being a human who participates in life again. This post is the endcap of a part of my life - it is the final lines in a dark chapter and I am so ready to turn the page. I am so grateful for the experiences and relationships that have been a result of my time in Zillah. The community has been awesome and supportive and I have taught some of the most amazing students and have watched them grow into kind, compassionate, successful adults. I value those memories and relationships more than I can express and they have shaped me into the teacher and human that I am today.

Thank you Zillah. I will love you always. <3 p="">

Selah... let's do this.

Measuring up...

It's been an entire year since I sat down with a blank page and cursor in front of me... I wish that my first post back was something positive, something uplifting. I DO have those posts in my drafts folder - they are unfinished and don't have the burning urgency to post that this one does. So they will stay there and the raw, icky reality of life will make its way onto this page instead.

My life has forever been a battle of measuring up. Before I continue let me assure you that I KNOW that this isn't reality, I know that the things I tremble before are NOT the important things in life. Intellectually, I know this. I may know it but I can't make myself believe it lately.

I have been trying to unravel the mess of how I ended up here - how I went from relatively "okay" with life back to a place where I am on a razor-sharp precipice between holding it together and absolute darkness. There isn't one event or circumstance that has landed me here - it's a mess of different little things that have snowballed together. This is my attempt at untangling it all..

Weight. This is probably the most all-consuming thought on my mind. It would appear that five pounds is the difference between sanity and insanity for me. I know that (rationally) it is a small number, that my overall weight is not something to be concerned about... blah. blah. blah. As I said before, knowing and believing are two different concepts completely in my book. My clothes don't fit right. I loathe what I see in the mirror and in pictures. I have never tried to lose weight by doing anything normal. When I have wanted to drop pounds, I starved myself. It was a very simple equation. No food = smaller numbers on the scale. I don't know how to pick just healthy items. I don't know how to moderate my intake anymore. Binge eating is new to me and completely terrifying. When I was in out-patient therapy for my last bought with anorexia I was told to "just eat" and to learn to enjoy food again. That advice worked for a time but now it has come back to bite me in the ass in a completely different way. I can't make portion control work. I want Oreos, especially when I feel like the world is laying its weight on my shoulders. I don't want to go back, I don't want to ever have to deal with my eating disorder like that again. The problem is that I value my weight more than my health. I don't want to. I wish it to be different but it's not.

Parenting. I feel like the ultimate failure as a mother. I watch other people with their kids and I wonder what in the hell I am doing wrong. One child doesn't sleep. Ever. I have had to lock her door at night because she roams the house at all hours of the night, watching Netflix and eating everything in the house. She goes into the garage to search for food and I am terrified she'll find some chemical that wasn't put away properly or eventually, walk right out the front door. She lies. Constantly. She has ADHD that drives me up the wall. She still doesn't sleep through the night without a pull up. My son is nearly 4 and still barely communicates verbally (in human). I can't get him to sit through Sunday school because he refuses to listen to a teacher. He will not potty train. No matter what I do I can't fix these things. I can't find a way to make my kid sleep. She walks around with dark circles under her eyes and is exhausted 98% of the time but I can't make her sleep. I can't even keep her in her room, despite child locks and threats and every incentive system Pinterest has to offer. I can't get my son to talk. There is no amount of coaxing or teaching that will get this child to speak unless he wants to. The exact same problem arises whenever I try to feed him something that doesn't start with "peanut butter and...". We don't eat as a family. I don't cook family meals. Hell, I barely cook. On my days off I spend my time avoiding them, not playing with them because I am so tired and angry and resentful. What kind of mother feels that way about her kids?? I love them with every fiber of my being... and yet I want to lock myself in my bedroom and hid under the covers whenever I am home alone with them.

Work. I can't go into detail about this lest someone file a complaint about it. It's safe to say I could write pages on this topic.

Faith. This season of my life is one of isolation. I feel alone even when I am in a room with the people I love most. My prayer life feels repetitive and empty. I am constantly "doing my homework" in my devotions, not yearning for the knowledge and connection to Christ that I felt six months ago.

I have lost my joy. I have lost who I know I am and who I know I can be. I have been sucked back to this void, this darkness where I can't feel anything anymore.

I know it is temporary. I know this is just a bumpy patch. I know that I will look back on this at some indeterminate time in the future and see the lesson that I learned or some person strength that I acquired. I have been through the dark before and come out the other side but being in the midst is painful, its scary, and it is so very lonely.

Bittersweet...

Today I had a moment... I'm not sure if it was a result of pregnancy hormones or just the sheer realization of how drastically our lives are about to change but it hit me like a ton of bricks.

In the face.

Hard.

In a very short while, Addison will no longer be my only baby. She will always be my baby girl, my first love... but she won't be my only love anymore. Very soon there will be another little love in our lives, with his own charm and personality and Addison will no longer be the sole focus of my motherly affection. I feel like somehow, I'm about to 'cheat' on my baby girl.

I'm not sure why that realization brought tears to my eyes today [and again as I'm writing this] - I am thrilled that we are having Cohen and knowing that Addison will have a sibling by her side no matter what life throws at her is the best gift I can give her as a parent. But just as I had to mourn the life we had before we became parents and put the fancy dinners and shopping sprees and vacations aside for mac-n-cheese and Gymboree and trips to the park, I have to mourn the fact that I will never again be 'just Addison's mommy'.

We went to the park after daycare to play for a bit while the carpets were drying and I watched her run and climb and slide and play and it really sunk in. I will be a mommy of two very soon - two sets of needs to balance, two opinions to weigh, two tiny people will be vying for my attention - and I will have to share it. Cohen will never know what it's like to be the 'only one' - he will always have had to share us with his sister. But Addison will know, and once Cohen arrives her life is going to be thrown into upheaval - a different schedule, shared attention... things that I never dealt with as an only child and have no way of preparing her for. I realize that in the long run, she won't remember this time before Cohen - when she looks back at her life it will seem like he has always been there. Maybe that is the part that I'm mourning - that she won't remember this special time, these past two years where it's just been the three of us even though the memories we have from the last two years are some of the most special and dear to my heart. Maybe it's the fact that she will no longer be the baby - that Cohen will take that role and that somehow we're 'replacing' her. I don't know...

As I'm writing this, I'm frustrated because I can't put words together to explain how or why this hurts my heart so much - part of me feels like a terrible parent for being sad at a time when I should be nothing but excited and anxious, part of me feels like admitting this makes me a bad mother and that people are going to read this post and think less of me, and part of me just feels heartbroken and lost for words.  But most of me - all of me - wishes I could freeze time for just a few moments and memorize these last few days... just like I did when she was a newborn and I swore I'd never forget how tiny she felt in my arms or how her little foot fit just along the inside of my thumb... but I can't remember how tiny she felt. And I'm scared that I will lose this special bond that we have and the thought of losing that terrifies me more than anything on this planet.

My big girl can climb like a pro...

She was taking my order at the drive up window...

One of our last days as the dynamic duo... <3

Raising my spirited child...

Yup... This one.

I don't normally do book reviews on this blog - I have a GoodReads.com account for that. However, this book was different and since I took pages of notes while reading it, I thought I might as well put them somewhere where I can refer back to them and where other parents of 'spirited' children (I grin as I say that) can possibly relate. 

This book was recommended to me by our daycare provider and friend... she was reading it and mentioned that during a large part of the book she found herself saying, "That sounds a lot like Addison!" Uh-oh. =] So, since I have been at my wits end with this little munchkin, I hopped on Barnes and Noble, ordered it and have spent the past couple of months reading it. It did take me a while to get through but that was more because of that huge amount of information I was trying to process, not a reflection of the quality of book. I fully intend to read it again in a couple of years, when Addison is older, because I'm sure that I'll need to tweak my approach to just about every aspect of parenting again when we get closer to pre-school and kindergarten (gulp). So, what you are about to read are my note/reflections/musings that I jotted down while reading - this is NOT a summary of the book, you'll have to read it yourself for that. This is, however, how the book applies to my very 'spirited' two and a half year old.

First off, a look at the traits that we see in Addison as they relate to the book...

Addison is extremely extroverted. For her to 'refuel' she needs to feed off of people around her - playing, talking, cuddling, or whatever she can do to be near the people she loves. She (like her mama, the blogger) is an 'over-sharer' of emotions - she doesn't hold anything back and isn't afraid to tell the world when she is happy, excited, disappointed, mad, etc. 

The next trait discussed in the book is intensity. If you have met my child, you know she is very intense - her reactions are super strong, whether they are positive or negative. She's not just happy, she's ecstatic. She's not just upset, she's devastated. Her emotional pendulum swings higher that most of her little friends. She doesn't just cry when she's upset, she explodes. When she's happy, she squeals and screams. She can go from one extreme emotion to the other and back again in a matter of minutes. Sometimes, she gets so upset that she really does need our help calming down - hugs and soothing voices to get her off that 'intense' ledge because the feelings that she is having can make her feel out of control and scared. We have to keep that in mind and instead of getting on her case about being so amped up, we need to help her learn to calm down by teaching her to relax and breathe. If we get irritated or yell, it's just going to send her farther into the 'red zone'. We also need to keep in mind that this kid is full of emotions and that running and playing and being active each day can help her alleviate some of the intensity she's feeling.

The third trait is persistence and I really feel like Addison demonstrates this in certain areas but not across the board. If she wants something - a snack, Bubble Guppies, juice, to play on the slide, whatever it is - she doesn't give up. You don't get to distract this child with alternate activities. Once she has zoned in on something - it's got her full attention. Sometimes, if we fight her on something, even once she gets it she's still upset. For example, she dropped her baby in the car one day and I couldn't reach it while driving. She wailed all the way to the grocery store that she wanted her baby and when we got there and I was able to give it to her - she STILL wailed that she wanted her baby, even though it was in her arms. We need to try and give her a say in certain things - choosing between two healthy snacks, picking out jammies, picking her bedtime story, etc. so she can feel in control of some parts of her day. 

The next trait is sensitivity and I feel like she shows this a lot. Much of the chapter is dedicated to kids who are sensitive to textures and what they wear and THAT part doesn't really apply to Addison (except that she hates tags and socks). However, she is very sensitive to hot and cold - sometimes we think she's just being a pain, but I'm starting to think she really does find that her food or bath water or sweater is too hot and it irritates her. She moves constantly to get comfortable - readjusting blankets, requiring pillows, stuffed animals, etc. to be just right before she can relax. She is a SUPER light sleeper and has been from the very beginning - and disturbance in light or sound and she's wide awake and wondering what's going on. She also tells us that she's hurt - ALL. THE. TIME. It's been driving us nuts but now I'm wondering if she really isn't displaying hyper-sensitivity to how things feel. I know that people would look at me like I was crazy if they saw me try to walk barefoot on concrete because, even if it's smooth, it hurts my feet. I think she may be the same way, things that hurt, really hurt her and she needs reassurance that it's going to be okay.

I think that perceptiveness is definitely one of her strong traits. When she gets focused on something, she completely zones out. We like to joke and call it 'screensaver mode' because she locks in to whatever she is watching/doing and truly doesn't hear or see us trying to get her attention. I could be screaming her name and she wouldn't even flinch. She doesn't like to be distracted from something that she's devoting her attention to - she gets upset when she has to stop an activity that she's enjoying. When we are trying to get her attention and move her from one activity to the next we have to be really careful to get down to her level, make eye contact, and give her precise directions.

Another strong trait is adaptability. Transitions are really hard for her and are the source of most of our meltdowns during the day. Things like mealtime, leaving daycare, stopping a TV show or playing, getting in and out of the car all test her limits and agitate her. She's not really a fan of surprises - it's important to tell her the schedule and stick to it and let her know who will be around. It's also really important to plan time for closure - we're asking for trouble if we just sweep in and expect her to be ready to go - tell her she can finish what she is doing and give her a chance to finish the activity (within reason). The author compared it to being all snuggled in and watching your favorite show and then having someone come in during the middle, turn it off, and tell you it was time to go. I have to admit, I'd be pissy too. It's also important for us to limit the number of transitions where we can (getting in and out of the car, different activities, etc.) to avoid overloading her.

The next trait is one of the first ones we discovered with Addison - irregularity. Since she was born, she has pooped, eaten, and slept according to her own 'schedule' (or lack thereof). She can goes days without pooping, is never hungry at the same time, and picks and chooses that days and times when she is willing to take a nap. Some days it's no nap at all, some days it's 30 minutes, and others it's 3 hours. You just never, ever know with this child.

Energy. Ha. Again... if you've met my daughter, you just know. If you haven't... well... energy is something she has endless amounts of... singing, dancing, running, jumping, squirming, climbing... she can do it all day and not get worn out. I did learn a few things in this chapter that I didn't fully realize... first, she doesn't get 'worn out' because she's not hyper - the energy we're seeing is her personality so she can go at full speed all day. Another is that we need to coach her and teach her how to be calm - how to walk calmly, speak quietly, and play quietly. She needs to learn the social situations when it's okay to play and run but also needs to realize that there are many times when those behaviors are not socially acceptable (classrooms, restaurants, doctors' offices, etc.). 

The final two traits in the book I didn't really feel applied to Addison. The first was 'first reaction' (in terms of new people, activities, or places). Addison is pretty comfortable going out and joining groups, staying in new places, or trying new things - one thing this child does not have is apprehension. The other trait that didn't really apply to her was mood. She can get mad and upset, don't get me wrong - but she isn't sullen or withdrawn when she's being herself. 

Other musings from the text...

It's easy to go overboard creating rules but the more we create the more we have to stick to and enforce. We really need to look at what is going on and ask ourselves the following questions:

- Is it safe?
- Are you respecting others?
- Are you respecting the environment?

If the answer is yes, then it's probably okay. If the answer is no, we need to redirect her.

Use "stop" instead of no. (We've started this and I really think it's helped a lot).

Pick your battles - if she doesn't want to eat, put it away. If she wants a snack later, she gets what is left of her meal. If she wants to eat with her fingers (or pizza with a fork), who care - as long as she's eating it doesn't really matter HOW she's eating.

Consequences need to fit the crime, especially for 2-4 year olds.  If she doesn't eat, she doesn't get any snacks, just her refused meal but don't take away play time or other things (story time) because she won't see the connection. Natural consequences are best - if you don't eat, you get hungry - this makes more sense to kids.

Don't use 'please' or 'okay' when giving a direction unless it's an option. Little kids don't understand the politeness aspect; they think you are really giving them a choice. Make the direction clear and to the point.

Make a point of telling her what she CAN do instead of what she CAN'T do - giving her options will help her comply while still feeling like she has a say and isn't in trouble.

Make eye contact... don't have your discussion until she's willing to make and keep eye contact, even if it means sitting out for a bit.

Transitions are hard for her - give her a heads up she can understand (NOT in minutes) like, 'after this show' or 'after we read this book' so she knows when a change is coming. Extra important when it’s an unexpected transition.

Tantrums for spirited kids are often spill over of building emotions, not just an attention getter. Look closely for the source...

Make a toddler survival kit for outings - wipes, snacks, juice box, crayons, coloring book, etcha sketch, and other quiet activities to take into places where 'spirited' behavior might not be appreciated.

Our tone of voice is important - if she's stressed or amped up, yelling or taking a 'stern' tone may just stress her out more. Talk quietly, but firmly.

Mealtime is a major source of contention in our house...

"You are responsible for the what, when, and where, of feeding. Your child is responsible for the how much, and the whether of eating. If parents provide opportunities throughout the day of healthy, balanced snacks and meals they have done their part - the rest lies on the shoulder of the child." 

We shouldn't over rule her if she says she isn't hungry or doesn't like something. Imagine being set down with someone else’s lunch and told you have to eat every piece whether you like it or not - not a good feeling. Addison has irregularity as one of her strongest traits - she doesn't doing anything according to s a set schedule - it's silly of us to think that she would eat according to one. 

Toddler portions are actually much smaller than we thing - 1/6 of an egg is their "serving" or two tablespoons of meat. We are giving her a lot more than that at each meal so she really is getting the nutrition she needs. 

Food should not be a punishment or a reward. This is a biggie - no food bribery (eat this and you can have desert) or 'you have to eat every bite (or five bites or whatever) because it tells her not to listen to her bodies cues for when she is full which is a huge cause of obesity. Offer a bit of everything and realize that while she may only eat one part of the meal today, she'll eat a different part tomorrow and that it will balance out. 

The two most important questions to ask a child is,” Are you hungry and,”Are you full?" Let them take it from there. 

Make sure the snacks she is getting are balanced - protein, carbs, little fat, and a fruit or veggie so that she doesn't feel constantly hungry. Then offer her a meal when dinnertime rolls around. If she doesn't eat, put it away and let her try again later. If she says she doesn't like something, that's okay. Keep giving it to her but realize that it can take twenty exposures before she decides its ok. Toddlers really typically only eat one good, solid meal a day - the rest of the time they pick and choose. 

It's normal for kids to put food in their mouths and spit it out - don't punish - she's not rejecting, she's experimenting, It's not okay to throw or drop food but if the amount is too large, the texture is new, the temperature is unexpected or any other factor she may need to spit it out.

Socializing...

We need to teach her how to wait and approach a group or activity without jumping in and taking over. We should physically show her how to leave enough space in-between bodies, praise her when she uses an inside voice. She doesn't know what we mean by "quiet voice" but if we catch her in the act she'll understand. 

When she flips out on someone, pull her aside and remind her it's not okay to hit/kick whatever other people and that she needs to use her words. If she’s too upset, pull her aside and make her wait until she calms down but then she needs to go say she's sorry - when she's older she needs to have dialog about what she and the other child were feeling.

Kids have tantrums - it's not realistic to expect them not to. It is realistic to set expectations for tantrums - for example, stomping and yelling/crying is okay but hitting or screaming in someone’s face/ear is not. There should also be a time limit on tantrums - for example, "You have five minutes to be mad, but then we are moving on." If they can't get it under wraps in five minutes, then there will be consequences after that. 

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Well... there you have it, my lessons in parenting from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. There is so much more in the book, especially as it relates to older children, school behavior, and other hot-spots that we haven't run into trouble with yet. I will most certainly find myself reading this again in a couple of years. Happy parenting!! ;]