I think I've said this before...

but parenting is really hard.

I thought it was hard with a newborn - no sleep, no clue what I was doing, pumping milk every 3 hours, spit up, blow out diapers, packing an entire car load just to run to the store... it was hard.

Then I had a toddler - suddenly I was operating on no sleep {okay, more sleep than in the newborn days but compared to pre-baby, it was hardly sufficient}. We had moved past the pumping and spit up and cruised right into a cupboard raiding, electricity outlet seeking, temper tantrum throwing 2 year old... and it was hard.

Then I had a preschooler and a newborn and shit hit the fan {pardon my language... but in some instances, we could be talking about actual poop here... this is the stage where potty training when horribly wrong AND I had a new born with blow out diapers}... and everything that was hard about the first two stages got smooshed together under one roof and this mama may have come ever-so-slightly unglued.

Now, everything that I've just written up there ^ is exactly why this blog has been neglected since Cohen's birth. Parenting TWO children is exceptionally more challenging than parenting one... and I would hedge a bet that it is even more fun with three, and four, and so on... but I have no intentions of discovering that first-hand.

So fast forward to now, I'm mama-ing a 4-year-old and an 18-month-old, working more than full time, grieving the loss of my dad, holding together a marriage that on some days feels like it's on the verge of crumbling down {and on others, feels like perfection.. go figure.}, and trying to do it all and make it look like it's no big deal.

So, basically, I'm a big, fat liar.

Like I've said before, parenting is hard. Being an adult is hard. Being a wife is hard. LIFE IS FREAKING HARD.

{I do have a point, pinkie-swear}.

In the pre-baby days, I could lose my shit - scream, cry, throw things, buy things, starve myself, do whatever it took to make myself feel in control. I looked like an idiot more often than not, but it worked for me. Even in the early days when Addison was so little that I could be letting loose with a string of swear words that would make a sailor blush, but as long as I did it in my 'mommy voice' and had a smile on my face, she was none the wiser. Then, she started to get it. Addison knew when I was mad or sad, reacted when I was angry, and paid attention to whether or not what I did matched what I said I was going to do. Suddenly, I had to follow through. I had to watch what I said. I had to be a PARENT {read: role model} and it was terrifying. Back in the days when Addison was tiny and she cried or did something naughty, I could soothe or scold her and move on with life. However, four years old means memories and grudges tiny broken hearts over tiny broken promises. Four means laying down the law and teaching respect and asking WHY did it seem like a good idea to bite daddy... four means shit is getting real.

Addison is a mini-me... it's adorable most of the time - she's wonky and silly and loves people and runs on high octane... but minus a nap or with an unplanned change in the schedule or just because the moon is full, she can turn into a small, but mighty terror. Please understand, that until she turned three, I just thought that 'those people' with 'those obnoxious children' simply had no parenting skills and knew that no offspring of my womb would EVER dare act that way sohelpmeGod. Mmmmhmmm... That was the naivety of a first time parent. I know better now. The higher the stakes, the classier the joint, the more likely it is that my child will do something crazy. And I never wanted to be 'that parent' with 'that kid'... so I scolded and I YELLED. And then one day, Addison dropped her drink in the kitchen and I turned around  with what I'm assuming it the typical "take cover, mom is going to explode" look... and my kid flinched.

My child was scared that I was going to yell. She was expecting it. And it stopped me dead in my tracks.

{^ point, if you missed it}.

I don't want to be that mom. I want to be a mom who has well-behaved kids because they don't want to disappoint her, not because they fear her. I want to have kids who come clean about their mistake before I even find out because they know that I am a safe haven and that even though there will be consequences - they are SAFE. I don't want to be the mom who screams. I never want to see fear in my child's eyes.

So, I'm starting over. I don't think you really get to do that but it's better than mucking through the way I've been going. I read several articles today as I planned this blog and, as He has a way of doing - God guided me to this decision and gave me the resources and the support from other mom's to say that I'm not going to yell anymore. {I realize this is the goal, and not likely the actual reality... but I'm talking about my children, so I'm setting the bar high.} I'm taking the OrangeRhino Challenge. 365 days {and hopefully many, many more - of no yelling}. I may vent on here, I may lock myself in the bathroom to count to 100, but I will do my absolute best not to yell.

Because as I realized today... that even though I carried these two tiny humans inside my body, pushed them out into this world, nursed them, and fell madly in love with them - THEY ARE NOT MINE TO KEEP. God blessed me with these to precious souls and has charged me with caring for them and raising them up until they are ready to go out into the world and do His work. When I fully realize that these are children of God, not just children of Stefani and Derek, I feel even more pressure to do the right thing. And the right thing, the thing that God has done with me, is to raise them with love. God has never yelled at me and I want to mirror that parenting that He has shown me. I want to be worthy of being called 'mama' by these two precious souls.

So, my first step, is to stop yelling, to treat them with love and to be honest with myself, with God, and with my children about the kind of parent I need to be.

Today was my first day... 364 to go {and hopefully 6552 after that...}

I had one major trigger and I snapped, but I didn't yell. I caught Addison coloring in pencil on the door panel in the new Pilot while we were driving to the store. When I realized what was happening, I snapped at her to stop and give me the pencil. I asked her why she thought it was okay to color on the car {and herself, which happened yesterday when she came home from preschool with washable marker toenail polish, fingernail polish, lipstick, and body paint}. Then I handed her a wipe and made her clean up every mark of pencil we could see. She didn't get a treat at the store {as she had been promised} but I explained that it was a consequence of making the choice to color on the car. She didn't like it, but she didn't cry and she still held my hand as we walked across the parking lot.

I have a long way to go and I know that I am going to slip up more than once and end up back a zero, but I can handle that as long as I can turn around when juice goes crashing to the floor and not see fear in the eyes of my child.

I will do this. With God, all things are possible. {Matthew 19:26}

Here is a list of what I've been reading today:

Orange Rhino Challenge
10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling At My Kids
When Your Temper Scares You
How To Have A Temper Tantrum {This is the one that started it all for me... it brought tears.}
The Passion of Parenting

Bittersweet...

Today I had a moment... I'm not sure if it was a result of pregnancy hormones or just the sheer realization of how drastically our lives are about to change but it hit me like a ton of bricks.

In the face.

Hard.

In a very short while, Addison will no longer be my only baby. She will always be my baby girl, my first love... but she won't be my only love anymore. Very soon there will be another little love in our lives, with his own charm and personality and Addison will no longer be the sole focus of my motherly affection. I feel like somehow, I'm about to 'cheat' on my baby girl.

I'm not sure why that realization brought tears to my eyes today [and again as I'm writing this] - I am thrilled that we are having Cohen and knowing that Addison will have a sibling by her side no matter what life throws at her is the best gift I can give her as a parent. But just as I had to mourn the life we had before we became parents and put the fancy dinners and shopping sprees and vacations aside for mac-n-cheese and Gymboree and trips to the park, I have to mourn the fact that I will never again be 'just Addison's mommy'.

We went to the park after daycare to play for a bit while the carpets were drying and I watched her run and climb and slide and play and it really sunk in. I will be a mommy of two very soon - two sets of needs to balance, two opinions to weigh, two tiny people will be vying for my attention - and I will have to share it. Cohen will never know what it's like to be the 'only one' - he will always have had to share us with his sister. But Addison will know, and once Cohen arrives her life is going to be thrown into upheaval - a different schedule, shared attention... things that I never dealt with as an only child and have no way of preparing her for. I realize that in the long run, she won't remember this time before Cohen - when she looks back at her life it will seem like he has always been there. Maybe that is the part that I'm mourning - that she won't remember this special time, these past two years where it's just been the three of us even though the memories we have from the last two years are some of the most special and dear to my heart. Maybe it's the fact that she will no longer be the baby - that Cohen will take that role and that somehow we're 'replacing' her. I don't know...

As I'm writing this, I'm frustrated because I can't put words together to explain how or why this hurts my heart so much - part of me feels like a terrible parent for being sad at a time when I should be nothing but excited and anxious, part of me feels like admitting this makes me a bad mother and that people are going to read this post and think less of me, and part of me just feels heartbroken and lost for words.  But most of me - all of me - wishes I could freeze time for just a few moments and memorize these last few days... just like I did when she was a newborn and I swore I'd never forget how tiny she felt in my arms or how her little foot fit just along the inside of my thumb... but I can't remember how tiny she felt. And I'm scared that I will lose this special bond that we have and the thought of losing that terrifies me more than anything on this planet.

My big girl can climb like a pro...

She was taking my order at the drive up window...

One of our last days as the dynamic duo... <3

Raising my spirited child...

Yup... This one.

I don't normally do book reviews on this blog - I have a GoodReads.com account for that. However, this book was different and since I took pages of notes while reading it, I thought I might as well put them somewhere where I can refer back to them and where other parents of 'spirited' children (I grin as I say that) can possibly relate. 

This book was recommended to me by our daycare provider and friend... she was reading it and mentioned that during a large part of the book she found herself saying, "That sounds a lot like Addison!" Uh-oh. =] So, since I have been at my wits end with this little munchkin, I hopped on Barnes and Noble, ordered it and have spent the past couple of months reading it. It did take me a while to get through but that was more because of that huge amount of information I was trying to process, not a reflection of the quality of book. I fully intend to read it again in a couple of years, when Addison is older, because I'm sure that I'll need to tweak my approach to just about every aspect of parenting again when we get closer to pre-school and kindergarten (gulp). So, what you are about to read are my note/reflections/musings that I jotted down while reading - this is NOT a summary of the book, you'll have to read it yourself for that. This is, however, how the book applies to my very 'spirited' two and a half year old.

First off, a look at the traits that we see in Addison as they relate to the book...

Addison is extremely extroverted. For her to 'refuel' she needs to feed off of people around her - playing, talking, cuddling, or whatever she can do to be near the people she loves. She (like her mama, the blogger) is an 'over-sharer' of emotions - she doesn't hold anything back and isn't afraid to tell the world when she is happy, excited, disappointed, mad, etc. 

The next trait discussed in the book is intensity. If you have met my child, you know she is very intense - her reactions are super strong, whether they are positive or negative. She's not just happy, she's ecstatic. She's not just upset, she's devastated. Her emotional pendulum swings higher that most of her little friends. She doesn't just cry when she's upset, she explodes. When she's happy, she squeals and screams. She can go from one extreme emotion to the other and back again in a matter of minutes. Sometimes, she gets so upset that she really does need our help calming down - hugs and soothing voices to get her off that 'intense' ledge because the feelings that she is having can make her feel out of control and scared. We have to keep that in mind and instead of getting on her case about being so amped up, we need to help her learn to calm down by teaching her to relax and breathe. If we get irritated or yell, it's just going to send her farther into the 'red zone'. We also need to keep in mind that this kid is full of emotions and that running and playing and being active each day can help her alleviate some of the intensity she's feeling.

The third trait is persistence and I really feel like Addison demonstrates this in certain areas but not across the board. If she wants something - a snack, Bubble Guppies, juice, to play on the slide, whatever it is - she doesn't give up. You don't get to distract this child with alternate activities. Once she has zoned in on something - it's got her full attention. Sometimes, if we fight her on something, even once she gets it she's still upset. For example, she dropped her baby in the car one day and I couldn't reach it while driving. She wailed all the way to the grocery store that she wanted her baby and when we got there and I was able to give it to her - she STILL wailed that she wanted her baby, even though it was in her arms. We need to try and give her a say in certain things - choosing between two healthy snacks, picking out jammies, picking her bedtime story, etc. so she can feel in control of some parts of her day. 

The next trait is sensitivity and I feel like she shows this a lot. Much of the chapter is dedicated to kids who are sensitive to textures and what they wear and THAT part doesn't really apply to Addison (except that she hates tags and socks). However, she is very sensitive to hot and cold - sometimes we think she's just being a pain, but I'm starting to think she really does find that her food or bath water or sweater is too hot and it irritates her. She moves constantly to get comfortable - readjusting blankets, requiring pillows, stuffed animals, etc. to be just right before she can relax. She is a SUPER light sleeper and has been from the very beginning - and disturbance in light or sound and she's wide awake and wondering what's going on. She also tells us that she's hurt - ALL. THE. TIME. It's been driving us nuts but now I'm wondering if she really isn't displaying hyper-sensitivity to how things feel. I know that people would look at me like I was crazy if they saw me try to walk barefoot on concrete because, even if it's smooth, it hurts my feet. I think she may be the same way, things that hurt, really hurt her and she needs reassurance that it's going to be okay.

I think that perceptiveness is definitely one of her strong traits. When she gets focused on something, she completely zones out. We like to joke and call it 'screensaver mode' because she locks in to whatever she is watching/doing and truly doesn't hear or see us trying to get her attention. I could be screaming her name and she wouldn't even flinch. She doesn't like to be distracted from something that she's devoting her attention to - she gets upset when she has to stop an activity that she's enjoying. When we are trying to get her attention and move her from one activity to the next we have to be really careful to get down to her level, make eye contact, and give her precise directions.

Another strong trait is adaptability. Transitions are really hard for her and are the source of most of our meltdowns during the day. Things like mealtime, leaving daycare, stopping a TV show or playing, getting in and out of the car all test her limits and agitate her. She's not really a fan of surprises - it's important to tell her the schedule and stick to it and let her know who will be around. It's also really important to plan time for closure - we're asking for trouble if we just sweep in and expect her to be ready to go - tell her she can finish what she is doing and give her a chance to finish the activity (within reason). The author compared it to being all snuggled in and watching your favorite show and then having someone come in during the middle, turn it off, and tell you it was time to go. I have to admit, I'd be pissy too. It's also important for us to limit the number of transitions where we can (getting in and out of the car, different activities, etc.) to avoid overloading her.

The next trait is one of the first ones we discovered with Addison - irregularity. Since she was born, she has pooped, eaten, and slept according to her own 'schedule' (or lack thereof). She can goes days without pooping, is never hungry at the same time, and picks and chooses that days and times when she is willing to take a nap. Some days it's no nap at all, some days it's 30 minutes, and others it's 3 hours. You just never, ever know with this child.

Energy. Ha. Again... if you've met my daughter, you just know. If you haven't... well... energy is something she has endless amounts of... singing, dancing, running, jumping, squirming, climbing... she can do it all day and not get worn out. I did learn a few things in this chapter that I didn't fully realize... first, she doesn't get 'worn out' because she's not hyper - the energy we're seeing is her personality so she can go at full speed all day. Another is that we need to coach her and teach her how to be calm - how to walk calmly, speak quietly, and play quietly. She needs to learn the social situations when it's okay to play and run but also needs to realize that there are many times when those behaviors are not socially acceptable (classrooms, restaurants, doctors' offices, etc.). 

The final two traits in the book I didn't really feel applied to Addison. The first was 'first reaction' (in terms of new people, activities, or places). Addison is pretty comfortable going out and joining groups, staying in new places, or trying new things - one thing this child does not have is apprehension. The other trait that didn't really apply to her was mood. She can get mad and upset, don't get me wrong - but she isn't sullen or withdrawn when she's being herself. 

Other musings from the text...

It's easy to go overboard creating rules but the more we create the more we have to stick to and enforce. We really need to look at what is going on and ask ourselves the following questions:

- Is it safe?
- Are you respecting others?
- Are you respecting the environment?

If the answer is yes, then it's probably okay. If the answer is no, we need to redirect her.

Use "stop" instead of no. (We've started this and I really think it's helped a lot).

Pick your battles - if she doesn't want to eat, put it away. If she wants a snack later, she gets what is left of her meal. If she wants to eat with her fingers (or pizza with a fork), who care - as long as she's eating it doesn't really matter HOW she's eating.

Consequences need to fit the crime, especially for 2-4 year olds.  If she doesn't eat, she doesn't get any snacks, just her refused meal but don't take away play time or other things (story time) because she won't see the connection. Natural consequences are best - if you don't eat, you get hungry - this makes more sense to kids.

Don't use 'please' or 'okay' when giving a direction unless it's an option. Little kids don't understand the politeness aspect; they think you are really giving them a choice. Make the direction clear and to the point.

Make a point of telling her what she CAN do instead of what she CAN'T do - giving her options will help her comply while still feeling like she has a say and isn't in trouble.

Make eye contact... don't have your discussion until she's willing to make and keep eye contact, even if it means sitting out for a bit.

Transitions are hard for her - give her a heads up she can understand (NOT in minutes) like, 'after this show' or 'after we read this book' so she knows when a change is coming. Extra important when it’s an unexpected transition.

Tantrums for spirited kids are often spill over of building emotions, not just an attention getter. Look closely for the source...

Make a toddler survival kit for outings - wipes, snacks, juice box, crayons, coloring book, etcha sketch, and other quiet activities to take into places where 'spirited' behavior might not be appreciated.

Our tone of voice is important - if she's stressed or amped up, yelling or taking a 'stern' tone may just stress her out more. Talk quietly, but firmly.

Mealtime is a major source of contention in our house...

"You are responsible for the what, when, and where, of feeding. Your child is responsible for the how much, and the whether of eating. If parents provide opportunities throughout the day of healthy, balanced snacks and meals they have done their part - the rest lies on the shoulder of the child." 

We shouldn't over rule her if she says she isn't hungry or doesn't like something. Imagine being set down with someone else’s lunch and told you have to eat every piece whether you like it or not - not a good feeling. Addison has irregularity as one of her strongest traits - she doesn't doing anything according to s a set schedule - it's silly of us to think that she would eat according to one. 

Toddler portions are actually much smaller than we thing - 1/6 of an egg is their "serving" or two tablespoons of meat. We are giving her a lot more than that at each meal so she really is getting the nutrition she needs. 

Food should not be a punishment or a reward. This is a biggie - no food bribery (eat this and you can have desert) or 'you have to eat every bite (or five bites or whatever) because it tells her not to listen to her bodies cues for when she is full which is a huge cause of obesity. Offer a bit of everything and realize that while she may only eat one part of the meal today, she'll eat a different part tomorrow and that it will balance out. 

The two most important questions to ask a child is,” Are you hungry and,”Are you full?" Let them take it from there. 

Make sure the snacks she is getting are balanced - protein, carbs, little fat, and a fruit or veggie so that she doesn't feel constantly hungry. Then offer her a meal when dinnertime rolls around. If she doesn't eat, put it away and let her try again later. If she says she doesn't like something, that's okay. Keep giving it to her but realize that it can take twenty exposures before she decides its ok. Toddlers really typically only eat one good, solid meal a day - the rest of the time they pick and choose. 

It's normal for kids to put food in their mouths and spit it out - don't punish - she's not rejecting, she's experimenting, It's not okay to throw or drop food but if the amount is too large, the texture is new, the temperature is unexpected or any other factor she may need to spit it out.

Socializing...

We need to teach her how to wait and approach a group or activity without jumping in and taking over. We should physically show her how to leave enough space in-between bodies, praise her when she uses an inside voice. She doesn't know what we mean by "quiet voice" but if we catch her in the act she'll understand. 

When she flips out on someone, pull her aside and remind her it's not okay to hit/kick whatever other people and that she needs to use her words. If she’s too upset, pull her aside and make her wait until she calms down but then she needs to go say she's sorry - when she's older she needs to have dialog about what she and the other child were feeling.

Kids have tantrums - it's not realistic to expect them not to. It is realistic to set expectations for tantrums - for example, stomping and yelling/crying is okay but hitting or screaming in someone’s face/ear is not. There should also be a time limit on tantrums - for example, "You have five minutes to be mad, but then we are moving on." If they can't get it under wraps in five minutes, then there will be consequences after that. 

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Well... there you have it, my lessons in parenting from Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. There is so much more in the book, especially as it relates to older children, school behavior, and other hot-spots that we haven't run into trouble with yet. I will most certainly find myself reading this again in a couple of years. Happy parenting!! ;]