I'll give you a stimulus package Mr. President...

Barack is struggling with this one and I woke up on the wrong side of the bed... so I figured I would take my frustration with life out on our government’s inability to pull their heads out of their asses and get things moving. This country was founded by people who were sick of having the wool pulled over their eyes - they moved out, fought back, and built a country and government that met their needs. And now, we have effectively put their sacrifices in the crapper. How do we pull our nation out of a recession? Let me tell you...

1. Welfare. It's social security's ugly half-cousin. We need it for some; we let the rest abuse it. You want welfare - congratulations. Please show up with your valid social security card and drivers license so we can confirm that you are, in fact, a tax-paying citizen. Pee in a cup so we can make sure that the money we're handing out isn't going to your meth problem. Put your feet in the stirrups and slide your bottom to the edge of the table so we can give you effective birth control - if you already can't take care of yourself, there is no need for you to be procreating and making more people you can't provide for. Welfare now equals a job application. If you apply, we will be calling you to work wherever we find jobs - construction, fast food, literally where ever. If you aren't happy with your job placement, you're more than welcome to go off welfare and get your own job. Your welfare will expire in five years - plan wisely. That is more than enough time to find a job, get situated, and become self-sufficient. If you can't figure it out in five years, we'll go ahead and leave that birth control in because we don't need any more idiots in this country. We've met our quota. 

2. Taxes. Everybody hates them but loves all the goodies we get from them. Institute a good, solid Fat Tax. You want to eat fast food and candy bars three meals a day - go ahead. But you're going to pay an extra 25% for that. We'll save that money for when you have a massive heart attack and can't afford your medical bills. You feel the need to smoke and drink? Fine - 25% tax on those as well. Our nation is obese anyway - disgustingly so - if killing yourself isn't motivation enough to quit with the crappy eating habits, maybe an empty pocketbook will be. Legalize marijuana and tax the shit out of it. People are going to be stupid enough to smoke it anyway, why not make it an income sources for our government. We have limits for drinking and driving, implement the same ones for smoking and driving. Not only do you get the taxes, you get revenue from the idiots who get pulled over from going 15 mph in a 50 mph zone.

3. Food Stamps. Same requirements as welfare - drug tests, birth control, five year limit. However, these piss me off to an exponential level. No you can not get 'cash back' on your food stamps to buy the beer and smokes you have stashed in your cart. You can buy produce, dairy, meat, and boxed goods (as long as they don't qualify for the Fat Tax). You want to drink alcohol and smoke? Great, go get a job and you're more than welcome to it.

4. Wars. It's the same lesson I tell my middle school students - if it isn't your problem, BUTT OUT. We are not the world police - if we are, we should be getting a sizable paycheck from all the other countries to help cover our costs. If people want to beat the shit out of each other - fine. That's their problem. Until we can walk down the streets and not see homeless camps and kids begging for food, we need to focus our attention on our own problems. Somebody wants our help? Alright, that'll be $100 million for getting involved and an additional $500 million for every month you occupy our armed forces and governments attention. Costs to much? Then solve your own problems.

5. Education. Well, duh. If we want a country that can run effectively, then we need to be producing citizens who aren't idiots. Fund education - class sizes and teacher credentials matter. Standardized tests are crap. Let teachers teach their material and hold STUDENTS accountable for learning. If a student doesn't want to show up and pull their weight in public education they get two options - work force training or military training. Quit filling our classrooms with lazy kids who aren't held accountable for ANYTHING. You don't want to be here? That's fine - go get a job and earn a living.

6. Illegal Immigration. We can't even take care of our own; we sure as hell don't need to be taking care of everyone else’s too. Want to be a citizen? YAY! We'd love to have you. Just take the test, get a valid ID and social security number, and guarantee that for the first 5 years you live in the country, you will pay 10% of your wage to the US government. Not a legal citizen and not interested in making the effort. I'd like to introduce you to Immigration Services; they have a few questions and a one-way ticket for you. Buh-bye.


There you have it. I have just effectivley solved at least half of this countries problems. Quit being PC about it and worrying about hurting people feelings and start being a government that is charged with the well-being and inerests of millions - not just the suits in the White House.